Not Feline Fine [depressed!Ichi x depressed!Reader]

Karamatsu's Redemption

(Ichimatsu's P.O.V)

I can't believe I almost told her. What was I thinking, she would've probably said no anyways.. These feelings can't be real, right? Well, I've been finding that less and less to be true since that dream. (Y/N) took us back.. I wonder what made her push us away in the first place..

"Ichimatsu? Oi, Ichimatsu," Osomatsu said, shaking me from my thoughts.

"Hm?" I tried not to look too startled by his sudden interruption as I looked over with my usual poker face.

"Did you really not find that girl adorable?" Is he serious? Well, I had to admit she was cute, but.. I could not share what I feel for (Y/N). Or at least what I think I feel.

"Oh. She was cute," I shrugged, looking away. Osomatsu smirked.

"You like (Y/N), don't you?" I halted, as did the others. They all looked back at me, all of them looking at me. They all had.. mixed expressions at the question. Kusomatsu looked like he didn't need an answer.. He pays too much attention to me.. Choro looked genuinely curious or surprised that Osomatsu would think I had emotions other than lust or hate. Jyushimatsu and Todomatsu on the other hand looked nervous.. They knew what was going on.

"Tch.. Why the hell would I have feelings for her?" I smiled. "It doesn't matter, she'd never feel anything for trash like me." I huffed, continuing forward. I really wanted to believe that what I felt wasn't real. I don't want to love someone that I'd just disappoint. Maybe if I just ignore the way she made me feel.. the way her voice makes my heart sing and the way her presence sends shivers up my spine and makes me feel nervous and jittery.. No, shut up. I don't need her. I don't want her.. I don't want to feel her warm body curled up against mine.. I don't want to run my fingers through her beautiful, silky hair..

I mentally kicked myself for continuously thinking about her, my thoughts repeatedly contradicting themselves. The others decided to leave me alone, probably scared of annoying me more than they had already. I made my way onto the roof where Karamatsu usually sat and just relaxed. My gaze rested on the horizon as I brought my knees up to my chest with a sigh. I need to figure this out.

My brothers had decided to go out to Chibita's for the night, but I decided to stay home. The quietness could aid my thoughts.. Actually no, it made things worse. Why did I stay home alone tonight? I kept thinking about how amazing she is, and then how shitty I was. Then it got to me thinking about just how shitty I was. How I should have jumped. How I don't deserve to be friends with someone as beautiful and kind and smart as her.. I turned the small blade over in my hand, hesitant as my eyes caught the faint blood stains from previous *ahem* "incidents." She wouldn't want you doing this, I thought as I slowly rolled up my sleeve. I kept repeating that in my head as I looked down my scarred arm. No, she doesn't care about what you do..

I bit my lip and pressed the blade against my skin, shuttering slightly at the cool touch. Again, I was hesitant. She wouldn't want this.. She doesn't want you to hurt yourself.. No matter how hard I tried to combat these thoughts, they kept nagging at me and making me feel guilty for doing this.

"Pathetic.. You couldn't even stand up to your own thoughts," I mumbled to myself, tossing the blade away and burying my face into my arms on the table. "You fucking idiot.. Stop thinking about her. You don't love her.."

"You can not keep lying to yourself, brother," I flinched and instinctively lunged for the blade, shoving it into my pocket. What was Kusomatsu doing here..

"Tch.. How long have you been there?" I snapped, trying to look natural.

"You don't need to hide from me.. I know what's going on," Karamatsu spoke softly and in a comforting manner, slowly entering the room. "Ichimatsu.."

"I don't want to talk to you," I growled, clenching my fists in my hoodie pocket. He was just going to say the same thing he always did.

"Ichimatsu, please.. I want to help you be happy. I want to help you understand your feelings-"

"I don't have feelings for (Y/N) so fuck off! If anyone has feelings for her, it's Osomatsu so go talk to him about her lovely hair and.. her beautiful eyes.. or.." I clenched my teeth and ran my fingers through my shaggy hair, balling my fists as I slouch further in my seat. "She's so fucking perfect, Karamatsu. I don't understand." I felt a hand on my shoulder, causing me to tense up. I didn't push him away though.. As much as I hated to admit, I think I need help with this..

"Ichimatsu.. I know it's hard for you to express yourself to others or have the confidence to talk to people other than your brothers, but maybe you should try telling her how you feel."

"I don't know how.."

"Hm.. Maybe dress up nice, buy her a bouquet of roses and ask her out on a date." I looked up at Karamatsu, who was smiling.

"I don't have the money to afford a date," I sighed, tugging gently at my hair to relieve some of the tension. Then Kara pulled out and handed me a couple bills with a wink.

"Heh.. Do not worry, brother. I will cover your expenses." I didn't want to know how he got the cash, but I was grateful for it. I suddenly felt extremely sick, realizing that I was grateful for something the second brother had done.

"Th...anks..." I looked down at the money that was now in my spare hand, realizing that I now had to actually talk to her, which made me feel even more sick than before...