Still Waters

Chapter 60

Sammie and I went to visit my parents a couple of weeks later. We were there for about a week. It wasn't even two days before Collin came knocking on the door.

"Hey." He looked down at his shoes.

"Hey." I looked directly at him.

"I knew you were here because of the car..." The car that he'd bought me was one of the things that I'd decided to keep. True to his word, he never tried to take anything back. Including me. "Can I come in?"

"Hell no, Collin."

"Natasha...I just want to talk to you for a second." I continued to stare at him. "My daughter's here, too?" I nodded. "Can I see her?"

"No."

"Natasha..."

"She said no," my mother answered for me. I had no idea that she had been standing in the shadows behind me, holding the baby, the whole time.

"Hi Mrs. Berry." Collin looked around me and smiled at her, but she didn't answer him. A familiar look crossed over his face when he looked back at me.

I looked back at my mom one more time before stepping out on the porch and closing the door behind me.

"What did you tell her?" he asked quietly.

"Everything."

"You did?" He stared at me.

"Yes. They need to know. I'm not safe with you, and neither is the baby."

"Natasha...I've been getting help. I think it's really working this time."

"Good." I kept a stone face, like Jasmine.

He could tell me that a million times, and a million times I know I would believe him. But right at that moment, and a long time after it, him getting help had absolutely nothing to do with him seeing Sammie. He could get help all day long, but he needed to do it someplace else.

"Look," he reached out for me. I backed up. He looked surprised. "I'm not going to hurt you. I told you..."

"What do you want, Collin?"

My heart was racing a mile a minute. I hadn't seen him in person since the day we left. I thought when I saw him, old feelings might come back, and I was dreading the day when he would finally resurface. But I felt nothing. Nothing but the need for him to back away from me and my child. I didn't want him anywhere near my family's house, either. I hated that his parents still lived across the street.

"I just want to talk, that's all."

He reached out for me again. I backed up again. He put his hand down.

I heard my dad moving tools around in the garage. Collin probably heard him, too. But my dad never came out. We both knew that he most likely wouldn't unless I called him.

"So..."

"So, I'm sorry. I really am, Tash. I'm so sorry for everything I ever did to you."

"Collin...every time, you say you're sorry. Since we were kids and you head-butted me." His eyes got wide and I saw that glint again. Like he recognized the fact that I recognized him. Scared the shit out of me, but I stood my ground. "Every single time it's always that you're sorry and you'll never do it again. But you don't even believe yourself, Collin. I'm looking at you right now, and you don't even believe what you're saying to me."

He looked down at the ground so dejected, a look that would have sent me right back into his arms not even two years before. Then he looked back into my eyes.

"Well...I am sorry. And I do mean that, Natasha. I truly do apologize." He looked down again. "I hope one day you can forgive me."

At that exact moment, I realized for the first time that I wasn't actually mad at him. I just knew that he wasn't the guy for me. And that he needed help. And that he definitely did not need to be around my child. Our child. They needed distance. And time. He didn't need to be around my parents, either. I wanted him to go back to his side of the street where he came from.

"Collin," I almost reached out my hand to him, but didn't. "I do forgive you. I don't know why or how, but I do. I'm not holding onto anything for you. Nothing at all." He looked at me, and he got the point. "I forgive you, and I know you're trying to be a better person. And I hope it's working. I'm trying to do the same. But I'm not ready to be around you, yet. And neither is Samantha. We all need space...and time. But you and I will never get back together. I just want to make sure you know that."

He nodded. "I do know." He reached out for me again, I'm not sure if it was to hug me or what, but I reflexively swatted his hand away.

"Collin, don't touch me."

I kind of felt like...I had accidentally stepped out in front of a speeding car as soon as I swatted his hand. He tilted his head and kind of looked at me like "Did you just hit me?" and I kind of looked at him like "Oh shit, please...don't."

Before either of us could say anything else, though, my dad walked out of the garage carrying his tool box and a can of oil.

"Collin, come help me change the oil on this car, son."

Collin kind of froze at my father's voice and turned around slowly to look at him. Then he turned back to me, looking like he was in serious trouble with his own dad and it was all my fault. He mumbled "I'm sorry, Natasha. I really am..." before giving me one last long look and walking over to help my dad with the car.

I quickly went back inside.

My mother had been standing at the window the whole time, watching us, and we peeped out at Collin and my dad for a while until Samantha got heavy and my mom went to put her down on the couch...where we could see her. Then she came back to the window and stood beside me and we watched them some more.

"What do you think they're talking about?" I asked her.

"You." She looked at me, and then back out at them.

It looked like my dad was doing most of the talking, and Collin was just nodding his head a lot and handing him tools. It didn't look like there was any kind of friction between them, though. It just looked like they were talking man to man like they always did. Even when Collin was a little boy, my dad would always talk to him "man to man." When my dad finally wiped off his hands and closed the hood of the car, he put his hand on Collin's shoulder, and said a few more words. Then Collin nodded his head and walked away. He didn't look back.

Collin never came back over while we were there after that. And my father never told me what they talked about, either.

...And I never asked.