Still Waters

Chapter 62

I don't know what happened to me that night while I slept, but I woke up fighting off the terrifying feeling that I was falling deep in love with Kenney. Kenney. What the heck, man? I fought that feeling off for a long time, too. We started talking on the phone all the time. Just like we used to. But every time he tried to bring up the subject of "us," I would say that I wasn't ready to talk about it yet.

Because I wasn't ready, I was still too afraid.

And still had too much on my mind.

And he lived in Chicago.

And I didn't want to lose him.

I think it was that last one that actually kept me from...jumping off the cliff. I couldn't imagine life without my Bud, and I never wanted to do anything that could jeopardize what we already had. It would be like trading in a for sure friendship for a maybe this will work ...something else.

I told him that the next time he was in town, too, and his only answer was, "That's ok. I'm afraid, too. Of losing you. Of losing her." He nodded to Samantha, who was at her little table creating the next Mona Lisa. My little artist.

It was the first time that we had had "the talk" in a few months. But this time it felt different. More honest. Not as scary. Maybe because we were finally having it in person.

After a few minutes of silence, Samantha grew tired of her crayons and walked over to the couch, climbing up into Kenney's lap like he was her favorite easy chair, and she had bought him with her own money. We both laughed at her unbearable cuteness.

"She's so crazy about you, Bud."

"Yeah," he cuddled her close and kissed the top of her head.

"I think she remembers you from when I was pregnant. Remember how she acted the first time she heard your voice?"

Kenney looked directly into my eyes. "Yeah, I remember."

He looked a lot more soulful these days. He could still put on a serious stone face when he wanted to, but he let a lot more show than he used to. We weren't around each other enough for me to know exactly when that happened, but I could tell the difference. He had been coming down to visit a lot more, too, since our conversation at my parents' house. He always stayed with his aunt or in a hotel. Never with me. He was right. The temptation was too great, and we didn't need to cross any lines until we were both all in.

I watched how comfortable Samantha was with him and realized that I was dangerously close to putting a hundred on a possible ten. I wanted him so much. I wanted all of him forever. I just wasn't sure if all of him and forever were possible to have at the same time. By that point, though, I honestly hated love, anyway. The whole idea of it. Love...was the worst.

"My dad asked about you the other day." I chose a subject that I knew wouldn't lead to where my mind was going.

"Oh yeah?" Kenney's face brightened.

He thought he and my dad were homies after that day at the rec center. Kenney was so open to love, it was ridiculous. Just that quick he had a new big homie. I mean he called my dad and everything. Mostly just to shoot the breeze, which my dad had always been good for. I called him a lot to do that myself. We talked about Collin sometimes. Sometimes we even talked about Kenney. Apparently he and Kenney bonded over being Michael Jordan's biggest fan, and how the Bulls just wouldn't be the same now that he was gone. Michel Jordan wasn't even playing with the Bulls when he retired again, but Kenney still told my dad that any time he was in Chicago let him know, and he would get tickets so they could check out the new situation for themselves. Tickets.