Bucky Barnes One Shots

39. Ashamed of Who You Are

You glanced over at Bucky as you tugged your shoes on, catching a glimpse of him chewing nervously on his lip. He sat at the island in the middle of the kitchen, running a hand through his hair as you finished putting on your shoes. Waking over to him, you couldn't help but smile a little to yourself.

"You okay?" You asked, wrapping your arms around him from behind.

You nuzzled your face against the back of his neck and he let out a sigh of relief from your touch.

"What if she doesn't like me?" He questioned you, his hands propping his head up as he stared down at the granite counter top.

You'd told Bucky a few days earlier that you thought it was about time he met your old friend from high school. She was your best friend then and she still was, even though she lived hundreds of miles away. Luckily, she was going on vacation and on the way she discovered she would be crossing paths with you—and Bucky.

For the last few days he had been worrying himself to death, not eating, hardly sleeping—the whole nine yards. He just couldn't bring himself to have any self-confidence whatsoever. He'd struggled with self-worth from the day you met him in Washington D.C., aimlessly walking around the streets with no one to keep him company.

Sometimes you wondered what it was about him that made you want to keep him company—what it was about him that made you want to keep him.

And this was why; he valued others so much more than himself. He didn't want your friend, (Y/F/N), to think poorly of him. He also didn't want to embarrass you. But most of all, he didn't want your friend to know the truth about who he really was.

The Winter Soldier was buried deep—or as deep as he possibly could be. However, sometimes Winter felt so close to the surface that Bucky was afraid he was going to break through. That was his biggest fear, next to losing you.

"Buck, she'll love you." You insisted, placing your hands on his thighs to spin him and his chat around to face you. "But she better not love you too much, because you're mine." You smiled, leaning forward to press a sweet kiss to his lips.

"What if she recognizes me?" Bucky muttered as soon as he pulled away from the kiss, causing you to roll your eyes.

"Where on earth would she recognize you from?" You interrogated him, only to have your question answered as his face fell even more.

He looked down at his lap where your hands still rested on his knees. You brought your hands up to cup the sides of his face, his scruff tickling your skin.

"It's been two years since Washington, babe. I don't think you need to worry about her remembering news footage from that long ago." You explained, his blue eyes meeting your eyes. "Besides, you don't even look like that person anymore. You're a new man." You smiled, though he wasn't buying it.

"Two years isn't that long, (Y/N). And I'm not so sure I've changed that much. I still have a lot of empty gaps that Hydra caused. . .holes that'll never be filled." His voice was low and you could see the pain in his eyes.

You shook your head, pulling him into your arms. He pressed his forehead to your abdomen as you ran your hand through his brunette locks, only a little shorter than he used to wear it.

Bucky could have you mess with his hair all day; he never felt more calm than he did with you. You knew that for a fact, too, because the only way he could get a good night's, uninterrupted sleep was if you played with his hair until he actually did fall asleep.

"James Barnes, you listen to me. I love you, okay? There's no need to be ashamed of who you are," you sighed, stroking his soft hair. "Especially not around me or (Y/F/N). She's gonna love you."

Bucky nodded hesitantly, still not sure of how well it was going to go. His stomach was in knots and he felt so nervous that he felt nauseous. He just didn't like facing new people—people who would have the change to get close to him. He never wanted to reveal his secrets, sometimes not even to you.

"I love you, too," Bucky exhaled sitting up again as your phone beeped.

Pulling the phone out of your pocket, you smiled to yourself, "She's outside. C'mon." You gripped his bicep on his flesh arm and pulled him up out of his seat.

He followed closely behind you, trying to keep himself together in order to prevent himself from grabbing onto you and not letting you leave his side.

"Wait," Bucky stopped once you were half-way through the apartment door.

You turned around to look at him, his jaw clenched, "What's wrong?"

Bucky swallowed, looking down at his metal hand. Before giving him the chance to back out, you reached your own hand out and took his metal hand. Intertwining your fingers, you lead Bucky out of the apartment and down to the street where your friend was waiting in her car.

"Hey!" You beamed, opening the passenger door to slide in and give your friend a hug.

"It's been so long! How are y—oh my gosh! Is this Bucky?" She puzzled, looking at your boyfriend with a big grin on her face.

You nodded eagerly, "Yeah this is Bucky," you turned to him, "Bucky, this is (Y/F/N)!"

Your friend smiled big at Bucky, "I've heard so much about you!" She said, "Well, not too much, but many good things. (Y/N) really loves you, you know?""

Bucky's cheeks turned red from her words and he climbed into the back seat, looking at you shyly. You were his world, and to know that he was yours made him more than happy.

"So, where to? There's this new sushi place I wanna—" Your friend trailed off as she took notice of Bucky's metal arm.

You could almost feel Bucky tensing up, though you weren't even touching him. You could see the way his head lowered and he crossed his arms over his chest that he suddenly felt extremely uncomfortable and embarrassed.

Breaking the silence, you let out a chuckle and grabbed Bucky's metal hand, taking it in yours and lacing your fingers together as you always did, "Sushi sounds great!"

Your friend gave you a look for a moment before nodding, seemingly lightening up by your actions, "Do you like sushi, Bucky?" She asked him, glancing at his reflection in the rear view mirror.

Bucky didn't even hear what she said, though; he was too busy looking at you, studying every feature of your face and thinking to himself how much you meant to him—how you made him feel like a better person.

You made him feel loved, even in times when he felt no self-worth at all.

_____

P.S. if you like sebastian stan (which I hope you do because why else would you be reading this book I mean???) you should check out my friend primuskat 's seb fic 'SKINNY LOVE' and if you like bucky (also why would you be reading this if you didn't???) you should check out our co-written bucky fic 'RECOLLECTION' !!! Thanks a million guys!