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Setting: AU (six months after Civil War)
It wasn't fair.
Those three words had been running through your mind for the past two days non-stop. However, your endless tears and the endless bottles of alcohol he had seemed to be consuming weren't going to change the fact that his best friend was enclosed in a coffin about ten feet from where you were sitting.
Bucky had only reconnected with Steve about six months ago, but in those six months, Bucky was able to remember every memory that he thought Hydra had taken from him. Steve had given him his life back, no matter how much you wished you could take credit for it.
You'd helped Bucky so much, though. You'd adjusted him to a normal life; you'd even helped him find Steve after he'd left Hydra. You had gotten through to the Winter Soldier, but Steve had gotten through to Bucky. He'd brought Bucky back.
And it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that Bucky had lost the only person who had truly known him from the beginning, through everything. It wasn't fair that after all those years of Bucky thinking he was utterly alone in the world and Steve thinking that he had let his best friend slip out of his reach and fall to his death, you and Bucky now sat at Steve's funeral.
You'd known Steve since he'd come out of the ice. You'd watched him come to the realization that mostly everyone he knew in the forties was now dead. You watched him blame himself for Bucky's "death" because for him, it had only felt like a few days since it had happened. You'd watched Steve desperately try to find a connection to anyone he used to know.
You'd watched him find Peggy, and you'd watched him lose her. And now you knew how he had felt. You had lost your friend now, too, and it hurt like hell.
Your left hand was balled up into a fist in your lap, a tissue enclosed inside. Your right hand was beside it, and you looked down as you felt Bucky's left hand lock your fingers with his metal fingers. His hand was cold, as always, but still comforting.
Your hands rested against the black material of your dress, your hand trembling. A single tear drop fell from your cheek and Bucky looked at you, his eyes puffy and red. He looked exhausted. He looked broken.
"Steven Grant Rogers will be remembered always, and his legacy lives on through his dear friend, James Buchanan Barnes. James, would you like to come say a few words?" The preacher at the head of the church spoke sympathetically.
You watched Bucky's jaw clench as he realized he had to let go of your hand in order to go speak. He almost didn't want to; he felt as if letting your hand go would cause him to break down again.
"It's okay." You nodded, assuring him that he could speak in front of everyone.
It would be his first time speaking publicly, unless he'd done so in the forties. You knew he was nervous, but more so you knew he was afraid he'd break down when speaking about Steve.
Bucky reluctantly let go of your hand and forced himself up to the front to take place behind the microphone. His blue eyes stood out brightly against his flushed skin as he stared out at the hundreds of thousands of people who had gathered at the huge church to celebrate the life of Captain America.
"I'm Bucky," he said into the mic, his voice slightly cracking.
He averted his eyes from the crowd to look at you, feeling relieved to see you giving him a reassuring, sad smile.
"Most of you knew Captain America as a hero. I just knew him as a little kid from Brooklyn, but even then, I believed him to be a hero." Bucky began, breathing in slowly. "I wouldn't say Steve had the easiest life; he lost his parents, as did I. We really only had each other there for a while. . .and I left him."
You could tell he was holding back tears, and you wanted so badly to go grab his hand and pull him away from the watchful eyes of the crowds of people packed into the church. You knew you couldn't, though. He had to do this, not only for Steve, but for himself.
"We were supposed to go to war together, but it obviously didn't quite happen that way. You all know the story." He went on, his baby blues brimming with tears. "I wasn't myself. . .for a very long time after I fell off that train. I wished I was dead. I hate to say that, but it's true. When your only purpose in life is complete whatever shit mission Hydra gives you, it's hard to see a reason for living. I had no soul, though, eventually. They had to wipe me of everything I knew and was. I wasn't me."
Hearing him open up about his days as the Winter Soldier hurt your heart. You could feel the ache inside of you growing; Steve and Bucky deserved so much better than what they were given.
"But somewhere I got out. I owe Steve for that. When people found out I was the one who dragged him out of the water back in 2014, they thought I saved his life. That's not true," Bucky looked at you and you knew what he was going to say. "Steve Rogers saved my life. I was nothing until he triggered something inside of me that began to remember. He gave me back my freedom, however limited it may have been. All I needed was that one, faint memory of our friendship and I. . .I was given a chance to be the old Bucky again."
He ran his metal hand through his hair as a tear finally threatened to fall and reveal how broken he really was in front of everyone in the church. He wet his lip with the tip of his tongue as he let a long, deep breath out.
"Steve thought he had watched me die all those years ago. I can't imagine that he ever needed me as much as I needed him. And here I am, probably about to go home and try to replace the hole in my heart he took with him with a bottle of Vodka." His voice cracked, and you felt your heart drop.
Bucky wiped away a tear with his flesh hand as he looked out at all of the people and then you—solely you.
"I'm expected to take his place—to be Captain America now that Steve is gone," he explained. "But here's the thing. . .there is no Captain America without Steve Rogers. The mask and the suit and the shield mean nothing if the man yielding them isn't Steve."
Bucky choked back more tears, his blue eyes still focused on you, "I can't be a hero. I can't replace Steve. No one can."
