Drowning In River (BoyXBoy)

10: Brotherly Love

It's a strange feeling. To lie awake at three in the morning, to tired to even sleep. My mind roars with unanswerable questions, and my conclusion hasn't changed despite the encouragement from my best friend. I do not believe this is heartbreak in the matter love, but more like heartbreak in the matter of fear. He knows. He knows and can tell whomever he wishes to. My life can so easily be ruined by two words. I'm gay. I could text him. We traded numbers back when I was at his place. I could if I had the strength to, but sadly, I do not. I'm more scared of his reason than I am curious.

I do pick up my phone and send a message though. Not to boy haunting my mind, but the second oldest of my brothers. Eric is Six years older than me and lives half an hour away in the next town over. The only one of my four I got along with. He is laid back and uncaring, so I hope he can listen. He's always listened. I've never told him I'm gay, but he may be the only member of our family to accept it. I text him because I have no one else, and he can get me what I'm craving.

Hey big bro, you up? If so, do you think you can pick me up a pack of... Uhm... Cigarettes? And head over here? Please?

I don't have much doubt he's awake, Eric has always been a night owl. My assumption toward his consciousness is proven correct when he responds almost immediately.

When the hell did you start smoking dipshit? I always knew you'd be the rebel of the family. Be right over. Anything particular type of smoke?

I laugh a little and shake my head before responding.

Like two days ago. And we all know you're the rebel, dick. Doesn't matter, all I've had is menthol so yeah.

He takes a little longer to respond. He doesn't text and drive so he must be at the gas station right by his house.

You're stupid, but okay. Hey, is everything okay?

I might regret the things I will soon tell him, but I will not tell him over text message.

We'll talk when you get here. Parents are still asleep so be quiet when you get here.

He doesn't reply, and I don't expect him too. I just lay back in my bed and stare at the ceiling much like I've done all night as I wait for my brother to bring me something I never thought I'd ask for and tell him something I never thought I'd admit to any family member. Ever. (My plan was to run away with my romeo and never see any of these losers again.) I just wait and wait, trying to follow one spinning blade attached to the ceiling fan above me. By the time I start getting nauseous, I hear a car door shut. Here we go.

~•*•*•*•*•*•~

He throws me the pack of cigarettes and I move to my window, opening it as he makes himself comfortable on my bed. Silence fills the room as I light up, inhaling as deeply as I can so the nicotine can hit me hard and fast. It does. I lean against the wall when I exhale, enjoying the light-headed bliss from the cancer stick between my fingers.

"So what's up?" Eric finally breaks the silence, and I almost shudder at the uneasiness tightening my chest.

"I've had a crush on this... Person... For quite a while. That person finally noticed me a couple days ago, along with the entire student body, when I jumped into a fight with this person. Me and that person grew strangely close very quickly, and though that person seemed to already know, I told him a secret. The person didn't seem to care to much the night I told him, but the next morning he couldn't get out fast enough.." I hear Eric shuffle, and it's not until then I realize I had already admitted to it being a guy. Shit. I was only going to admitted if I had to.

"Logan owes me fifty bucks." Eric chuckles a bit, making me stare at him.

"Excuse me?" What is he going on about? Why does our oldest brother owe him anything? I take another drag, glaring at him as I wait for an explanation.

"I made a bet that you're gay a couple years ago, Logan owes me fifty buck." Annoyance rushes to my cheeks as I clench my jaw.

"You fucking bet on my sexuality?" I growl, he looks at me amused and just shrugs, I huff and shake my head, pinching the bridge of my nose. "You know what? Doesn't matter. You can't tell him. I don't want anyone else to know. Now can we get back to my situation?" He puts his hands up in surrender and I take another long drag from my cigarette, the menthol burning my throat.

"So this guy, does he show any interest in you?" Eric begins. I shrug my shoulders.

"It's complicated. He flirts with me a lot. Likes cuddling with me and teasing me. I thought it was safe to tell him because the day before I told him, he stated I was gay. I told him I wasn't, but he didn't believe me. So telling him should have been easy. He seemed content with it and just... Held me. He promised he wouldn't tell anyone and that it was okay. Then we woke up and he ran away." I see the wheels turning in his head as he thinks about it, stroking the slight scruff on his jaw. Eric inherited our mom's blonde hair and bright green eyes. All the rest of us look more like our dad. He's always been the attractive one in the family.

"Well little brother, there could be plenty of reasons for this, but the reason I know you're thinking about doesn't add up. He could have had an emergency. He could be questioning his masculinity. There's a lot of possible reasons, but I don't think it's because you told him you're gay. If it was, he would have left that night." I nod my head and drop my cigarette into the damp grass when the cherry falls out. He's pretty much saying the same thing as Taylor, but it's easier to believe him.

"Yeah, you're probably right. Taylor said the same thing."

"You told her before you told your favorite brother? That hurts, Carter. Hurts deep in my balls." I roll my eyes and laugh as he stands up. He gives me a tight squeeze and smiles at me. "Just have a little faith loser. If it isn't this guy, I'm sure your knight in shining tin foil will come eventually." I laugh again and Eric goes to walk out, giving me this promising look as to say "I won't speak of what I learned tonight." I smile at him as he reaches the door.

"Hey, Eric?" He turns to me with question in his eyes.

"What?"

"Thanks dipshit." He laughs and leaves.

It's four thirty. I should try to sleep, but I wait until I see my brother'a car drive away before I get back into bed.

I've came out to two people in three days, not even three really. Things are getting twisted fast, and all I can do is hold on tight for the ride.

I don't want to think about that though; I'm to tired. So, I close my eyes and clear out my head until finally I drift to sleep.

________~|~
Brotherly Love, awee. What do you guys think of Eric?

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