Drowning In River (BoyXBoy)

15: Kissing Wounds

By the time Nate pulled into the drive, it was dark and rain was pouring down. My heart was beating fast in my chest as I tried to figure out what to say. Nate kept saying to do it another time. That the weather was bad. That it was late. I didn't care though. No, this needed to be done. It needed to be done now.

So here I stand, in the pouring rain, my knuckles mere millimeters from knocking on the door to the small house. I considered changing my mind, but I couldn't. I was tired of him constantly being on my mind. I was tired of constantly questioning everything. I was tired of being confused.

So I knock.

River pulls the door open seconds afterward, shirtless with a pair of jeans low on his waist. He looks at me. The concerned, yet relieved blue orbs sending sparks through me. Everything I planned to say disappears into the trenches of my mind as I just look at him. He is so beautiful. His pale skin almost glowing beneath the dark, cloudy sky. He steps out into the rain, an eyebrow raised in question. I take a shaky breath, clenching my fist at my sides as I watch the water droplets dampen his hair, falling from his curls to his cheeks and trailing down his neck to his chest to his torso. I want to reach out and touch him. He is the single most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

"Carter? What the hell are you doing here? Your going to get yourself put in the hospital again! Come inside." He grabs my hand, and at first I go with him. But, just before we walk through the door, it hit me why I was here and I stop, staring at the masterpiece in front of me. "Carter? What are you doing?" He says, looking at me worriedly through the rain. I swallow the bile in my throat before running my fingers roughly, frustratedly, through my soaked hair.

"You can't do that to people." I whisper. His eyes meet mine in confusion.

"Huh?" My heart picks up speed again as I glare at him. My body shaking from anxiety and cold.

"You can't do that to people!" I'm yelling now. River looks taken aback, hurt even, but my blood is pulsing and I need to get this off my chest. "You can't just show up in someone's life, make them admit to their sexuality, act okay with it, then just leave without an explanation! You can't show up and beat someone up for kissing me! You can't make it seem you like me, make people see something that's not there! You can't do that! I've waited three fucking years to actually talk to you! To know you! You show up, tease me, then leave without a call or a text or anything! It's just wrong!"

I'm shivering now, my teeth chattering. River just stands there with an unreadable expression on his face, not shaking the slightest even though he's barely got anything on. He stares at me blankly for a moment before he clenches his fist up, huffing out a breath he must have been holding.

"I can't? I can't? You have the nerve! You can't, Carter! You can't just jump into a fight that has nothing to with you. You can't blush and look at me like I'm the most perfect thing in the world! You can't change the way I see people! I wanted to find a friend, not fucking fall in love with you! You can't run from me in the halls when I try to explain. You can't go to a party, making me worry sick! You can't allow some egotistical airhead to shove his drunken tongue down your throat! You can't do that to people! How dare you, come here and accuse me! You didn't give me the chance to explain why I left that morning! It wasn't about you! Not everything is about you, Carter!"

I never thought it was...

"Then explain! Here's your chance!" The rain was pouring harder now, feeling like needles on my face. I look at him expectantly and he simply bowed his head in shame.

"It was the anniversary of Blair's death." We whispered, barely audible through the rain. But, as it hit me, I felt a deep feeling of guilt and regret coax me. "I forgot. I didn't get up. I missed the hour. I threw off the routine. I had to go. I had to. I didn't text you because I didn't want to talk. I was a mess." He was crying now. His shoulders shaking as he unclenched his fist.

River Sinclair was crying in front of me. Witnessing his break down hurt me more than I can explain.

"Hey," I whisper as I move closer to him. Our eyes lock, and I could just see the pain swimming through his before I hug him. Now he was shaking. He has his head bent down on my shoulder as he sobs. He grips my side with each choked noise he makes. I hold on to him. I don't want to let him go.

I caught his hand, making him look at me, and I wipe the tears from his cheeks with my other hand. We look at each other for a moment, and slowly I feel him relax. "We should go inside." I whisper. But he doesn't budge. He just stares at me with this unreadable expression, and I stare back. Next thing I know, I'm pushed against the exterior wall with his lips on mine, the rain pattering against our skin. His lips are so soft and he kisses me roughly, but with care at the same time. One hand hold my wrists over my head, the other bunching up the fabric of my shirt in his grip. Finally I kiss him back. Our tongues dancing, our bodies against each other. The only thing keeping me from his skin is my dark T-shirt and jean jacket.

When he finally breaks the kiss for air, his presses his forehead to mine, his hot breaths fanning my face as he lets my wrists drop down to my sides. I don't know how long we stand there, just looking at each other. I can see conflict in his eyes, and it makes my stomach churn. Finally, he grabs my hand and leads me into the living bedroom.

"I need to show you something." He whispers. I nod, looking around again and noticing things I didn't notice last time. For instance, all the cabinets are painted a different color, as are the walls.

I hear him sit on the bed, making me turn to look at him. He has discarded his jeans, and his hands lay shakily on his thighs before he slowly pulls the legs to his boxers up a bit to reveal scar after scar after scar.

My breath hitches in my throat, and suddenly my heart races for a whole different reason. He grimaces, jerking the leg back down and looking up at me. "I started when she died. In the bathroom at her funeral. I thought, maybe, just maybe it could take the pain away. It did for a while. I was numb throughout the funeral. Numb when they buried her. Numb when we got home. I went to my room, locked the door and stripped. There was blood   Everywhere. My clothes. My skin. Even my socks were drenched. But, for some sick and demented reason, I found relief in it. Like all the blood reminded me I was alive even though she wasn't. So I did it again. And again. I didn't plan to get addicted, but I did.

"When I finally quit, the sight of them began to repulse me. They still do. I picked up smoking, which my parents hated, so I moved here. Every year on the anniversary, I go to her grave. On the exact hour they pronounced her dead, I... I do it again. Once a year. But, this year, I missed it. I was laying with you instead. I was asleep. I've never slept the night before, but you distracted me. You threw me off. I've always been alone. I never wanted to get close to someone, because I was scared they'd leave like Blair. But you, when I'm with you, I'm not scared. And I hate it. It confuses me and I don't like it. At the same time though, I'm happier with you around. She isn't my every waken thought. She isn't the ghost in my dreams, you are. You are and... What are you doing?"

I'm on my knees now, my fingers pulling the leg to his boxers back upward to reveal the jagged scars. I don't reply, and he says nothing else as I brush my lips against his outer thigh, kissing every healed wound. I feel his eyes on me, but he says nothing still. I move from one thigh to the next, giving it the same treatment, the same love. As I kiss the last scar, I linger there for a moment before looking up at him. The silence between us makes me uneasy, but just as I'm about to apologize. He's kissing me again, pulling me up on the bed and pushing his body on top of mine. I kiss him back, and there is so much passion it leaves me breathless. Clothes scatter, and his skin is against mine. Never in my life have I felt so save.

Jakob might have been my first kiss, and I will forever regret it, but that night was a night of firsts.

I lost my virginity to my first love.

________~|~
Well, did you expect that? This chapter took three days to write. I've no idea why, probably the stress giving me writers block, but here it is. The next chapter is in River's point of veiw. I'll try to write it soon, but I have a lot going on right now, so no promises. It's two in the morning. I should try to sleep. Good night. Love you my darklings!