So plant your own gardens, and decorate your soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. --Jorge Luis Borges
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I haven't always felt so strongly about this, but lately it's been much worse. I have this undeniable urge to slap some independence and self-identity into people and romance novels.
It's part of the reason I stopped reading romance (I used to be a big fan when I was a teen), because I got tired of how the girl would fill her emptiness with some boy. She was only complete when she had this boy, she was only happy when she had him, she only had purpose and worth because of him, and she needed him to exist. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not a feminist (egalitarian)...but man! I could rant about the cliche of nearly all romance stories--but the point is about self-identity.
I heard it said once that your contribution to the world shouldn't be making some boy happy. (and I keep saying this about boys to girls, but the genders can be reversed or moved around, it doesn't matter)
It's sad when a real person or a character makes their whole world the person their in love with. The reason why this is so destructive--especially in relationships where you're dating to break up and you have no goal--because if you put all your focus onto one person...or if you make someone your other half...when they are gone then your whole world is gone. Or half of you is gone. Couples shouldn't be each other's other half--they should be two wholes operating together. People are like planets, and we're all meant to revolve around a sun. You can choose what you make your sun. I, personally, did not choose to make some person my sun. That would ultimately lead to the downfall of my own universe. (dramatic, I know)
I have an old friend named Hannah, who has always been very insecure about herself. She was always obsessed with romance books and romance movies...not just a romantic, but to the point where she believed that romance was the epitome of all things good, nothing in life was worth more, and she needed to be loved by a boy...pronto. So, she would let all these total douchebags pine for her, she would lead several on at a time, and then fall for the biggest loser (not even to be mean, no one would want their friend to date these kind of guys)...everything else in her life: school, her future (aka college), friends (aka me), work...all of these were pushed to the back burner so she could focus on "the one." It was pathetic, honestly. She would call me crying, because her boyfriend hadn't texted her back in an hour and she was worried about him and thought he hated her. My only reaction was, "???"
You have worth outside of who you love. So often people throw their entire self into someone else, dangerously, and it becomes a desperate obsession. Desperate obsession....Deperae...session....deprae...session...depression. Desperate obession -> depression.
So often do people label themselves as something, and they make that their sole identity. I told a girl once that she was more than the labels she slapped onto herself. I understand that people are sometimes proud of some of their labels--but sometimes it's just a little overboard. This girl, Julie, constantly called herself gay. Sometimes she'd tell you she was gay before she told you her name. Part of it was pride, but part of it wasn't. She referred to herself as "cancer girl" or "gay" all the time. She made those two things her sole identities. Was all that she wanted to be known as? She promoted herself to simply be Julie, the gay cancer girl. But Julie was so much more than that. She could fake an incredibly good British/Irish accent. She loved Doctor Who, and she was great at writing poetry. She was super smart and super science-y and philosophical. She was more than just the "gay cancer girl." At first, she was mad at me for saying that she shouldn't label herself all the time, but then she came to realize that I was right and that she was so much more.
So, point is: you are more than a label or a lover.
