demons » joshler

19

this is it. it has to be. 

he's given up.

the final pulls of energy have been expunged from him. after the concert last night, after finally letting tyler... after finally having sex with him (god, that's blunt), he has no spirit left.

empty. 

1: containing nothing; not filled or occupied.

2: (of words or a gesture) lacking meaning or sincerity.

3: joshua william dun.

he likes definitions. they're solid and stable and informative.

but there's no time for them now. no time for anything except...

he's put so much thought into this. so much care and sincerity and thinking. it took up the previous nights- instead of sleep, he's been here. thinking.

and it's going to go flawlessly. he's made sure that all possible problems have been ironed out. there's no way he can... he can fail.

the sound of his heartbeat is loud enough to echo in his ears, a frantic rhythm of dum-dum-dum-dum-dudum-dum, over and over and over until he's nearly gone crazy.

stop it. stop it. stop it. he claps his hands over his ears desperately. stop it, heart, stop it please please please.

the door bursts open.

no. no. no. this can't be happening, because that means his plan is ruined and he's worked so hard to make it absolutely perfect-

josh, tyler is yelling. josh, why are you crying? josh!

go away tyler, go away please-

no, i'm not going anywhere. why are you crying, and why do-

tyler stops, and sucks in a little breath. 

a razor? really, josh?

what other way? josh mumbles dully. it will get the job done, won't it? 

tyler crouches down beside him, extracting the razors from his hand. they've dug into the fragile flesh of his palm, and blood is welling up. he stares at it, not registered in his brain yet, sobs slowing down.

josh, baby, please. why are you doing this? where did you even get this?

give it back, josh answers, reaching for tyler's hand. i gotta- i gotta get th' job done. i promised myself, and i'm so sick of breaking promises.

there's heartbreak all over tyler's face, and it only magnifies the guilt in josh's chest. he reaches out and shoves tyler, wrenches the razor free, and vaults over the bed, locking himself in the bathroom by the time tyler staggers to his feet.

josh! tyler yells, rattling the doorknob, open the door!

i can't, josh calls back, and starts sobbing again. i can't, i can't, i can't. i have a job to do.

josh!

he's shaking. he can't even hold the razor straight. or his wrist, for that matter. 

it doesn't matter, though. the result will be the same.

JOSH!