demons » joshler

32

there's something oddly soothing about knowing, with complete certainty, that death is only mere moments away.

he's spent so long stressing over this. planning it out meticulously. after failing once, it's the biggest fear on his mind. he won't let it happen again.

but now, staring down the lines and the pills, all the stress and anxiety fades away. he's going to snort them up, choke them down, and maybe if it's all too slow he'll pull out his trusty razor blade and speed up the process a little bit.

okay, so, he might be a little excited about this.

and as far as tyler knows, josh is back in his mom's house for the week. it was absurdly easy to convince him of that (and of course, because tyler's concern is only out of courtesy), and josh's parents think he's staying with tyler.

he couldn't have anyone know he's back in his own house, because they don't trust him to be alone.

but it's funny, he thinks, how they never expected him to be capable of lying. even tyler, who's seen josh lurching around in a drug-induced haze, couldn't fathom the thought of him lying.

actually, it's hilarious.

josh laughs out loud, staring himself down in the mirror as he does so. it's so alien, the way his mouth moves, the way his hollow cheeks stretch.

it's a little terrifying, truth be told, so he quickly looks away again. a little kernel of guilt sparks in his chest and catches fire, but he ignores it. guilt isn't going to pull him away now. it's too late.

he opens the cabinet behind the mirror and extracts a small box that clatters when he moves it. josh takes a moment to choose which blade he wants (and horror, disgust at himself, joins the flame blazing behind his sternum), and lays it out on the counter, using it to even up the lines momentarily.

twice now it's ruined his life, he echoes.

but there's no time to waste sitting around and gathering doubts. josh has a plan to carry out.

he steps forward and picks up the first bottle of pills, curling his knobby fingers around the smooth plastic.

here goes nothing, he thinks to himself.

but he does go slowly. one pill-- he places it on his tongue, swallows, grimaces. two pills-- tongue, swallow, grimace. three, four, five, six...

the bottle is empty. he drops it without meaning to and staggers forward, nose to counter, eyes watering as he inhales.

one line, two lines, the first row is gone.

josh's head is spinning. he feels a nosebleed start to drip down the back of his throat, and he knows it'll be all over his shirt soon. that should add a macabre feel to this already morbid scene, he decides.

so, second bottle then. he grabs it almost deliriously, not even grimacing anymore as he swallows. it's empty in mere seconds.

another row of lines gone.

black spots start to dance at his vision, and a cramp grips his stomach in shocking pain. josh hisses, sucking a breath in through his teeth. it's almost too much to bear--

but soon enough all of that pain will be gone--

just one more bottle. one more row. and then he'll be happy.

his hands are shaking too much to pick up the last bottle. the pain is intense-- flashing through his stomach, his chest, running through every nerve in his system. there's tears, flowing freely down his face, silent as he channels all his concentration on the destruction in front of him.

please save me. please save me. please save me.

i can't do this anymore.

please make it stop.

(please tell tyler i'm sorry.)

a/n: yall im highkey so sorry i just had NO IDEA what to write. i still don't lmfao but we're getting there