never enough → josh william dun

Part 21

{Josh POV}

I look in the mirror. sad. The atmosphere is sad and it's thanks to me. This is not the day I thought I would be meeting Ava in a black suit and tie. I wanted to be meeting her at the end of an aisle, just not like this. It's funny how both of these things have so much in common yet are complete opposites. One is celebrating the beginning of something new and the other is celebrating the end. Sadly, ours is the second one.

Ava was in a coma for three weeks. Her stability levels were lowering everyday and there was a twenty percent chance that she would ever wake up. By the second week, her father made the decision to turn off the life support. I somehow convinced him to keep it on for another week, praying that she would wake up. She didn't. On the 7/20/16, Ava's life support was shut off and she was officially declared deceased. I haven't slept for two weeks, coming up to her funeral.

Tyler has taken me out, trying to get my mind off it but nothing will ever be able to fix me. I have terrible bags under my from the countless sleepless nights and I am slowly starting to fade away into a shadow from my loss of appetite. Her father asked me to say a speech at the precession so I have that neatly tucked into the pocket of my blazer. I take one last look in the mirror before leaving my house and meeting Tyler and Jenna out the front.

We arrive at the funeral and all I can see is rows upon rows of people in black. People stare at me, a boy with faded pink hair, piercings and tattoos. I slowly walk down the aisle with my head down and sit down in the front row. I'm too scared to look up because I know as soon as I lay my eyes on the coffin I will cry.

After her father and other family member say a few words, a slideshow with a photo of me and her in it and lots of tears, It is finally time for me to say something. I slowly get up and I am faced with the wooden box that holds the love of my life. I squeeze my eyes together and try not to cry, a few tears manage to escape but I quickly wipe them away. I am standing on the small podium with the note in my hand, facing everyone who loved Ava.

"Hi, my name is Josh. I was am-was Ava's boyfriend" I start of by saying, quickly correcting myself after nearly calling myself Ava's boyfriend.

"I knew Ava as a beautiful, kind hearted girl. She was the love of my life. I honestly could not of asked for a better person to spend my adolescent years with. She taught me how to be strong and she made me promise that I would never let anything get to me so bad that it physically hurts me, I'm sorry Av but this has to be an exception because these cause of events have broken me." I say as I find myself crying. I use the sleeve of my tux to wipe my eyes.

"Ava always told me that she didn't deserve me. That she wasn't good enough for me. She trained herself to believe that I didn't love her. But in fact I didn't deserve her. She was too good for me and I was reminded that by my best friend most days" I say with a chuckle as I remember all the times Tyler told me that she was way out of my league.

"I was given some of her most precious belongings and one of them was her diary. I told myself that I would never read it because it was her safe place, somewhere she was able to keep all her secrets and problems but I quickly flicked through it one day. I didn't read anything, I only admired her drawings. There was one page that had a drawing of a car driving in the rain. I read the writing on that page, and that page only. There was one small paragraph that really broke me emotionally because in it, she describes herself as a star and describes me as her galaxy. She then goes on to say that when you think of stars, you think of it to be an achievement only to remember that there are millions of other stars in one galaxy. For those of you who don't get it she is saying that she was proud of herself because she had me and I was practically her world, only to find out that she wasn't the only important person in my life." I explain

"Well Ava let me tell you something if you are listening to me right now." I say as I look up to the sky

"To me, you are my universe and I am only a spec of dust."