Forced | cake au ✓

Chapter TWENTY

Edited - 7/30/19

Calum

There were times where my mind would just go woah, this is actually happening. Like the first time we performed in front of thousands of people, or the moment we won our first ever award. I get all emotional and it becomes overwhelming.

Before I was supposed to go to Luke's house, my mind had that woah, this is actually happening moment. However, it was not in the good way.

Patricia had mentioned at the meeting that Luke and I would go on a 'date' after we went to our press conference. I was basically still asleep at the meeting so I didn't really think much about it. When I got home and Patricia called to tell me the details, only then did I actually think about what really was going on.

I didn't know why, but suddenly everything about this felt incredibly wrong. I knew that this publicity stunt was already sort of messed up from the start, but I just felt a deep, gut-wrenching emotion just then. Patricia continued to tell me where we would go, what time, and how we should act. It wasn't the first time she did that, the contract Luke and I signed specifically mentioned that we would follow our managers' choices.

When she hung up, I started thinking about Luke. And I continued to think about Luke as I sat on my bed, my phone in my hands. I thought about him and how I did like—love—him, and that just made the gut-wrenching emotion I felt, be it guilt or sadness, worse.

I was experiencing what I wanted and what I could have had with Luke if I hadn't messed up everything, from things like holding hands to going on dates—but this was a publicity stunt.

Some of our actions were improvised, I know. However, in the grand scheme of things, this was just like a movie. You adapt to your role not because you'd necessarily do them in real life, but because that's what the situation called for; that's what the role called for so you'd be able to put on a great show.

I didn't go to Luke that night, and I placed my phone away from arm's reach. I needed to think. It probably wasn't the best idea now that I know how worried Luke was. I needed to settle my thoughts and think about what it was exactly that I wanted to do as a man who had feelings for another man and not as a celebrity who was pushed into dating another celebrity for publicity.

Of course I did want what I currently had with Luke. Everything. From the lightest touches to kisses in public. But I wanted more, I wanted what we had to be real.

And when the next day had come around, I was certain I would talk to him. I was even thinking about telling him how I was feeling.

It also dawned on me, how I would be leaving in a few days and how I would be gone for months. I've been looking forward to this tour, I still was. Of course there was always going to be downsides in doing the things you love.

I'd be away from Luke. Again.

I wanted to go over to Luke's house immediately that morning, but I delayed it because I needed to talk to someone first. Ashton was busy in the gym, so I went over to Michael's place and he was more than happy to talk.

I stayed longer than I intended. Michael did give some great advice. I accidentally let it slip that I loved Luke, but he didn't tease me about it. Shockingly.