Won't Give Up [Book 4]

~6~

Weak

Worthless

Nothing

Disappointment

Disaster

You are nothing

You aren't wanted

You don't do anything right

Nobody likes you

You're a joke

You aren't my son

Hiccup paces his room, trying to even out his breathing. Even though this isn't new to him, it still scares him. The things those people have said to him still haunts him. No matter what he says, no matter how many times he says that he is okay.


He isn't okay. He never was. He probably won't ever be okay. No one understands what he went through for those 15 long years. Being abused, ignored, bullied...

Scared of yourself. Scared about what would await you the very next day. Hoping that it would be better. But knowing deep down, it wouldn't, because it hasn't been okay for years. 

People try to understand. to try and fix their mistake. They all mean well, but the scars aren't just physical, their are emotional too. 

You can see the ones on the surface. But you can't see the ones hidden under tough skin. Because even after the abuse, tough skin replaces the weak layer, hiding the pain.

Hiccup sits on his bed. He can't stand when his legs refuse to support him. He breathes heavily, breaths uneven. He knows exactly what it is. It has happened before.

But they don't know. Hiccup would never tell them. He doesn't want their pity. He doesn't want to see the disappointment in their eyes when they realize that he isn't strong. He knows that look all too well. It is the only look people had given him for years. 

If he didn't get that look, then it was because they refused to look at the small weakling. The runt of the litter.

Before they were all "buddy buddy", Snotlout made sure that Hiccup knew where he stood. That no one wanted him around. Now? Snotlout made him now how sorry he was. How wrong he was to treat him like that. That he had no right to do that to him.

He may seem like he was doing better than when his dad came back, but in reality, he has an urge to go back to the why he relieved himself of the pain before. 

But he doesn't want to look weak. He can't look weak. He doesn't want to go back to having no friends, even if they don't understand.

Hiccup removes his hands from pulling at his hair. His sight is blurry from the tears his refuses to release. He looks do at his arms. It makes the queasy feeling in his stomach come back. 

They don't talk about what he did to himself. He doesn't want to talk about it. They know what would happen if they did mention it.

Hiccup would shut himself out. He may act like it doesn't bother him, when in reality, he just wants to crawl in a hole and hide their til the pain is gone.

He just stares at his scarred wrists. Sometimes he can still feel the pain. He don't want to feel it. He doesn't want to feel any of it. But he knows that if he went through with what he tried to do many times before, it would effect them all. 

Yes, they would get over it, but now that he is finally healing from the past, he is scared to go through with it.

That should reassure him. He wishes it did. But it just proves how weak he is. 

Not being able to look at the mess that his arms are, they go back to his hair, pulling at it, trying to erase the pain. A tear escapes his eye and he lets out a sob. 

Toothless whines from his spot on the floor, not knowing what is wrong with his master. He gets up and nudges him with his nose but Hiccup just lets out another sob. 

He pulls his legs up to his chest to try and look as small as possible, hoping that he will disappear.

"Hiccup!" He didn't even care who was here. He didn't care that someone had just waked into his room, seeing how much of a mess he is right at this moment. He feels a hand on his shoulder and he flinches.

The past comes back, feeling the fear of being struck. But the touch wasn't harsh. It was soft. 

He feels the bed sink on the side of him and a slender arm going around him, puling him into someone. He feels another hand going to his head, puling his tight grip from his hair. He hears himself letting out another sob. 

He feels a soft hand going through his hair, unlike his rough grip. His breathing seems to finally even out, but tears are still streaming down his face. 

When he finally calms down, he realizes that his head is in someones lap. He hears the person saying soothing words to him and recognizes that voice belongs to Astrid. She is still running her fingers through his hair. 

"Astrid?" Hiccup says quietly. Her hand freezes. Hiccup goes to sit up but Astrid forces him back down.

"Stay Hiccup." Astrid says softly.

"What are you doing here?" 

"Remember we were all going to see a movie? We all came here to get you but when we called for you and you didn't answer, I thought that something happened. Then I saw Toothless running down the stairs and he was going crazy. He had run up the stairs so Snotlout and I ran up and saw you." When Hiccup hears that her and Snotlout saw him in that state he stiffens.

"Do the others know about..."

"About what happened? I don't know. I told Snotlout to wait downstairs. We were both really worried Hiccup. What happened?"

Hiccup hesitates. Should he tell her? What if she thinks he is weak when she knows? 

But this is Astrid. She would understand... Right?

"It was just... everything finally kinda crashed down on me." Hiccup says as he sits up. He ignores her protest to lay down. He looks at her and looks into her eyes. He doesn't see pity. He sees care and worry. 

And love...

"Are we still going to go see that movie?" Hiccup asks. Astrid looks hesitant. "But Hiccup, what abo-"

"Astrid, please. I don't want to talk about that right now. I promise though, when we get back, I will tell you all. I promise. I just want to get my mind off what happened." Astrid reluctantly agrees. She tells him to go wash his face. 

He does as she says and they all walk downstairs. They all glance at Hiccup worried. He reassures them that he is fine. 

But they can see through his lies. They know that something is wrong. And they all believe that it has to do with what they did in the past. 

But they go see a movie. They all get ice cream afterwards. They distract Hiccup from Hiccup's demons they were poorly buried. They know that they have dug themselves up and were trying to set free all his insecurities. 

His friends were determined to bury those demons for good. 

They have to drown those demons and hope and pray that they can't swim.