Sometimes Our Minds Work Against Us...

Chapter Eight

Sometimes Our Minds Work Against Us...

Chapter Eight

I'll let them all down. I won't make their expectations and they'll leave me. They love each other like they were made for each other.

"You two are like a fanfiction written by a teenage girl," that's the best discription. All the while I'll sit back and slowly die inside. How do I explain to her that I used to love him? That I wanted to have him hug me and look at me like that.

How can I tell them I don't want to go to college, or get a bad job that pays nothing and wind up worse feeling than I am now? How do I say that I'm sad and that I'm the one causing it? How do I tell them that I'm so sad I think of the darkness as safty? How can I explain that I'll never feel complete because I'll always fell like everyone is going to jump up and leave the moment I say something wrong?

That everytime I say something dumb I feel like a failure because I'm supposed to be smart and understand it all before it's even tought.

How do I say I don't want to talk because I feel like dying. How do I explain that when that one kid in class said I was ugly and eww when I spoke that I felt like killing him and crawling into a hole and dying because I felt like he was the one speaking the truth. How do I say that sometimes I want to die and think of standing at the bus stop and stepping out in front of a car? How do I say that I can't take the pressure anymore.

How do I say that on Friday's with nothing left to do I sit in my room and try to remember what it was like to have those happy trips with my friends?

How do I explain that when I mess up I feel like everyone is going to make fun of me and tell me how worthless I am? How even though I know people care for me I feel like they've just forgotten me and are willing to leave me behind for anyone else.

How do I say that when people talk to me I uneasy to say anything because it might be the wrong thing and they might figure out how pathetic I am? Or how when that kid in my science class says "That one is going to college" or someone asks, "what college are you going to" I feel like I'm supposed to be ready for my entire life to start even when I don't know a single thing that has to do with life. And that at night I when I think of what all these other poeple do I want to just say good bye and fall asleep never to wake up again.

How can I say this?

Because I know that you'll all just run away when you hear them. So I plaster on my smile and lie that I'm fine and yes I can't wait to go to college I'm planning on studying buisness, maybe be a nurse. I feel fine, just a bit tired is all. Or I'll ignore your remarks or I'll just laugh them off. Yes I have mastered the okay look. To the point where most days, you wouldn't think I was faking it. Because yes I'm okay.

Perfectly, fine.