Harry and I did not speak. Not for the rest of evening. Not when Anne returned. Not when we sat down and ate the cookies she had baked. Not when we passed each other on the way to our bedrooms to turn in for the night. Nothing. No words. The silence that enveloped me in the darkness of the guest room that night was deafening and suffocating. I was drowning in my thoughts and I had to get out. I just wanted to get out of my mind. I wanted to stop writhing around in the web that Harry had spun and trapped me in. I threw the cover back, because despite the frosty chill that had spread a thin layer across the floor, it was too hot in the room. The sun was peeking over the tips of the hills that filled the far away images in the window. I, as quietly as I could, exited the room careful not to wake Harry as I crept past his door. Once I reached the front door to the cabin I felt a breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding exhale from my body. My rigid stature relaxed a little bit. I breathed in the fresh air, relieved to be away from the crushing weight of feeling trapped. I just can't escape the constant tug in my chest. I know I'm stuck. I'm so done with trying, but I will never love anyone the way I love Harry. He was my first true love, even if it wasn't mutual. I know that Harry's the one for me. He's my soul mate, but I'm not his. Cheesy, yes. True, yes. Disappointing, yes. The end of the world, no. Which is exactly why I shouldn't be worrying about it. Stop, Harper. Stop it! Why do you keep doing this to yourself? This is torture and I know it. Why me? Why did I have to fall in love with someone who's so afraid to fall back? I mean, what is he so scared of?
"This is hopeless," I whisper dropping my head into my hands.
"That's the spirit," someone called from the doorway. I didn't even look up when I replied.
"What am I supposed to do?" I asked Gemma while she took the seat beside me.
"That's a little vague," she stated. I sighed.
"I am hopelessly in love with him, and he is incapable of loving me back," I sighed finally look up and out across the rising sun.
"He's not incapable of love, Harper. He's just scared. God knows why, but he is. And your the only one who could help him face that fear," she says with a sigh, as well.
"No. Gemma, I am done trying. If he wanted me, he would have gotten me by now," I said leaning back.
"He's scared and unsure. Maybe you should tell him how you feel," she suggests.
"Gemma, if he hasn't figured it out by now he is literally the stupidest male who has ever stepped foot on this planet. I have given so many hints and I think he knows that I would let him do whatever he wanted to me. It's pathetic really. The control that he has over me. The way he makes me feel sometimes is unreal, and I hate that. I hate that I can't get a grip when he's around," I breathed out.
"Harper, do you see that sunset?" Gemma asked me pointing to the hill.
"Yes?" I answered, but it came out like a question. I wasn't quite sure where she was going with this.
"Do you know what the means?" she asked. I kept quiet as a signal for her to go on.
"It means that today is a new day. It means that it could be the start of so many beginnings and so many endings. But the beauty of that is that its your choice. You choose where you will go today. You choose your own future. And if you don't like your choices today, the sun will rise again tomorrow. Its not over, Harper, not if you don't want it to be," I don't say anything. I just turn to look at her and she gives me a smile. She reaches over and grabs my hand giving it a squeeze before she retreats into the house.
I sat thinking about those words. She was right, but I didn't want her to be. I wanted her to be wrong, so I wouldn't feel so bad about giving up on whatever Harry and I had. I just didn't see what Gemma saw though. She was wrong. Harry was scared to fall in love, but he didn't love me and he never would. I'm not exactly the type of girl guys fall in love with. I'm not classy, I'm not some intellectual genius that gets the good love story, I'm not a slut, I'm not a total bitch, but I'm not a total saint. I'm average and plain and I blend in the most unfortunate ways.
