Paragon // z.m

40. "I need time."

" The first time you hold your child in your hands, and you don't understand, how something could be so small, so fragile. And your whole life depends on that tiny, helpless creature, that needs you for everything, but you need them too. So much. You fall in love, that kind of love that doesn't really go away, even when they're stubborn, even when they're wrong, even if they ever get to the point of being cruel, you can never lose that love. You love them so much, that you'd want to protect them from everything; from a cold, keeping them up at night, or a teenage broken heart, or even an illness, taking someone dear away. You'd wish you could take it all away, suffer through it, so that they wouldn't have to. And every time, you look into their grown up eyes, you can't help but see, that baby, that once needed you so desperately, but not anymore. And you think that wow, you still need them, just as much."

She'd read to him from his mother's diary, through the nights when he'd twist and turn and sweat and cry with thoughts that haunted his sleep, through the nights when he'd be too tired to push her away, too delirious to even recognize her voice. His frantic stirring would settle, his cries would calm, and he'd sleep, thinking that it was his mother who had guided him through it, when it had been Robin all along. It had always been Robin.

Other nights, he'd try to avoid the process all together, laying in bed, eyes burning, body aching with exhaustion, as he stared at the ceiling, envisioning eyes that looked like his own, and a smile that was always meant to be there. He'd hear her, crying in the bathroom, repeating it to herself, that she was okay, that everything was going to be okay. Sometimes, she'd yell at herself to stop crying, only to cry some more. That would be when he'd close his eyes, because the ceiling would portray blue eyes and a broken image of a face he once knew and loved, and he wouldn't be able to handle it. He'd wish he had it in him to help her, to do anything for her at all, to even love her, the way he knew he was once able to. But he couldn't.

Until one night, she woke up, with the journal on her chest, and Zayn wasn't there. She looked through his house, finding Louis in the guest room, but that was it. Everything else was exactly how it was meant to be, except for Zayn. She woke Louis up, and he called Niall, while she called Liam for help. It was two in the morning, when each took a car to look for him. They went to the company, to the hospital, to the graveyard where his mother had recently been buried. They went to his favorite bars, to the hidden park where he'd shared his first date with Robin. He wasn't there. He wasn't anywhere.

Her phone rang, and her heart leapt, hoping it'd be Zayn, even though, it should have known better. Zayn had left his phone at home. Even if Zayn had had his phone, he wouldn't have called her. She would have been the last person Zayn would turn to, mostly, because he had been desperately trying to turn away from her.

" Hello?"

" Good morning, this is officer Eric Chance, I'm calling from the police department, it's concerning Zayn Malik."

That was all she had been able to hear, before her phone fell away, and she drove through the streets like an utter maniac. She felt the tears forming behind her eyes, blurring her eyesight, but she didn't care. The world was too ugly, she didn't want to see it, or what it had done to Zayn, and subsequently, to her. She didn't want to see him, handcuffed, sitting in a cell, staring at the floors, like he couldn't even lift the weight of his own head. You could just see... the brokenness in him. She didn't want to see the officer, speaking of him so sadly, so sympathetically, after they'd found him trying to break into the closed flower shop near one of his old houses. She didn't want to see Louis and Niall, having to shake him and stir him, just to bring him back to his actual surroundings. She didn't want to see that, any of it, but not even the intensity of her tears, could keep it all away.

They paid for the repairs, signing all the required paperwork, because he was unable to function. He had completely shut down. He then got into the backseat of her car, because he couldn't handle any proximity, especially, not to her. It was seven in the morning when they finally arrived back to his home. A lesser number of paparazzi were hanging around, but she drove past them, thankful for the tinted windows. Once she was parked, she got out of the car, and walked into the house, leaving the rest of them to help Zayn inside.

She walked into the bathroom, wetting a towel, and preparing the first aid kit that she'd need to clean up Zayn's minor wounds from the glass he'd broken. Her eyes fell onto the mirror, as she took herself in. Eyes so red, they were no longer blue. Unhealthy, pale, skin. Dark circles beneath her eyes. Hair scattered around the frame of her face. She ran a hand against her face, feeling nothing like herself. It was like she stopped being Robin, when Zayn just... stopped. She almost cried again, but it was all too tiring. She didn't even have it in her to cry.

She went to Zayn's bedroom, and there he was; Louis was laying him down, as he remained completely unmoving. So much so, that if he had his eyes closed, he would have been mistaken to be un-alive. She sighed, approaching him, feeling herself slowly losing it.

" Zayn, I'll clean your cuts. This might hurt a little." She took his hand, but he immediately pulled away, turning his whole figure in the opposite direction.

" Fucking hell, Zayn, I'm trying to help you!" She screamed, her voice echoing through the lifeless house.

" I'm trying to help you, Zayn." She repeated, a bit more quietly now.

" I don't want you to help. Just leave me alone."

" You left the house in the middle of the night without telling anybody. You broke into a flower shop, and got yourself arrested. You can't be left alone, Zayn."

" I was just trying to get some of her favorite flowers."

" What?"

" Mum used to love that shop. No matter where we lived, she always loved that shop's flowers in particular. I just wanted to get her some flowers and go see her. But you had to stop me. Again. Why do you always do that? Why are you always trying to keep me away from her? Haven't you done enough?" The venom behind his words, that was molded into his pain and wreckage. It was all too much for her. He hadn't spoken to her in weeks, and now that he had, she wished she hadn't heard his voice at all.

" Zayn, mate, she didn't stop you. The police called us after they've found you. She didn't have anything to do with it." Louis spoke, when he saw she was unable to.

" She killed my mother. And now I can't even visit her because of her."

" Zayn,"

" No, Louis. Let him say it if it'll make him feel better. Alright, Zayn. I killed your mother. I'm the one who took away your final few moments together. I'm the one who deprived you of that last goodbye. There. You can blame me for all the shit that's ever gone wrong in your life, but guess what? It won't make it any easier. It won't fucking fix you, to ruin me, Zayn." Her voice trembled with choked sobs, but it was empowered by all the anger and darkness and bitterness roaming within her.

" Look at me, dammit!" She pulled at his arm, but again, he pulled away from her touch.

" I can't. I can't look at you. I can't let you touch me. I just... can't. I don't want to see you, I don't want to hear your voice. I don't even want to remember that you exist in a world where she doesn't. I- I need time. I need to get away from you."

" Your mother warned me about this. Sh- she told me that you'd try to blame this on anyone, so I guess, I'm glad it was me, and not you. I- I'm sorry. I love you. I hope you at least know that. I'll get going now."

" Hey, hey, stop. He doesn't mean that. You know he's not in the right state of mind." Louis spoke, taking her arm to stop her from walking away. She smiled, ever so weakly, before a sob so brutal, ripped through her. She buried herself into Louis' arm, holding onto him, till she found the ability to pull away.

" Take care of him. And tell him I love him. Tell him she's loved him too. I'll see you." She then pecked Louis' cheeks, and disappeared out of his room, his house, and eventually, his life.

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A/N: :(((((

Only 5 more chapters to go, probably. I hope you've enjoyed this as much as I did, please share your thoughts, I always love hearing from you :)

ily x