Paragon // z.m

41. "I don't count in that."

It had been two weeks. And moving past that unspeakable loss, pretending that it hadn't irreversibly altered her, was one of the hardest thing she'd ever had to do. She still hadn't allowed herself to cry over it, to go through the motions of losing someone she'd loved more than she had ever allowed herself to love before. She thought if she cried, that very first tear, then it would never stop. She'd just spend the rest of her life crying over him, and she couldn't do that.

The cold wind was hitting her face, making her feel more alive than she had in a very long time, as she drove Harry to the airport, because it was time for him to return to Ireland. He had helped her find a new place for herself. She had redecorated it from scratch, feeling nothing like the person that had walked away from Harry, or the woman that had been pushed away by Zayn. She didn't feel like herself. That was because she was no longer that. She didn't know what she now was, she was still trying to figure that out.

On her first night, as she stood in front of her mirror, unable to sleep, she bought some temporary hair dye, and colored it purple. She figured, as long as the launch had been over with, and she had no further commitments, then she had to change her outlook, to match all that had been deformed within her. Harry was quite fond of it, although, he had worried about the damage it would cause her natural hair. Eventually, he understood her reasoning, and accepted the sudden change. She then rented a classic convertible car, feeling immensely suffocated, and in desperate need of air. She felt claustrophobic against life. She just needed to feel like she could breathe.

" You do know convertibles aren't exactly efficient with London winters, right?" He questioned, putting his hair into a bun, because the wind was causing it to almost completely cover his face.

" Oh please, live a little."

" I'd like to live without experiencing bronchitis, thank you very much." She laughed a little, and so did he. He wondered why he hadn't made her laugh while they were together, maybe then, she would have stayed.

" Are you going to be okay? You know, with all of this going on."

" I feel... I don't know, I'm fine. I'm trying to be fine, as fine as it gets for me, I guess." She smiled, barely glancing at him, before looking onto the road again.

" I went to see him, you know."

" You did?"

" I did. He seemed a bit more collected than when I'd last seen him. He didn't really say much, but he was more... present, if you know what I mean."

" Good. Good, that's- that's great."

" He did ask me about you."

" Harry, I don't want to talk about Zayn. You're going away, and I need to spend this time with you."

" No, you don't. You just need to spend this time not thinking about him. It isn't working though, I can see it. I know you better than you think I do, Robin. I know what you're trying to do here."

" What am I trying to do, Harry?" She sighed, the thought of him already draining the little energy she had within.

" You're trying to distract yourself. New hair, new house, new car. You're pretending that Zayn had never been a part of your life, and it would have worked, if he hadn't been part of yourself as well. You're not the same, and you're not meant to be. That's okay. People handle losses in different ways, and this is yours. But that was his too, Robin, and you can't use that against him."

" I'm not using anything against him. I'm just.. I'm tired. I'm too tired to even do that. He can do whatever he needs to do to get through this, I don't.. I don't count in that anymore."

" The one time I even saw a glimpse of the Zayn we knew, was when he spoke of you. There was that- that fire in his eyes. Otherwise, they were just... void. People only speak of others like that when they're in love. And he is, Robin. He still is. Maybe he just forgot it."

" People don't forget they're in love, Harry. They either are, or they aren't."

" There is an in-between. First, you're in love, slowly, you begin to forget that, or you forget how it feels, or how to show it. And that's the first step of falling out of love, Robin. That's what happened with us. You forgot, and I let you, because I was too scared to face any of it. So, you fell out of love with me. And you fell in love with him. Don't forget this time."

She felt selfish, for not thinking of the toll of it all on him. She was leaning on him to fix her broken heart, when she had broken his own. He was acting as a catalyst to fix things between her and the man who took her away from him. She was once again overwhelmed by his selflessness and her none.

" Maybe I should just come to Ireland with you. We'll elope, it'll be great." She said, attempting to lighten the atmosphere.

" Oh yes, I bet Irish people will love you, especially with that killer Irish jig you always do when you're drunk." She laughed again, and so did he, shaking his head at the easiness of it all. Soon after, she was parked in front of the airport, and they were walking towards his terminal. Thankfully, paparazzi were still unaware of their whereabouts so they went undisturbed.

" Alright, this is me." He pointed towards his terminal, as they called for the passengers of his flight.

" Come here," She whispered, pulling him into her embrace, despite the height difference.

" You take care of yourself out there. And call me, Harry, I need to know you're doing okay."

" I will. Plus, chances are, I'm going to be back here sooner than we think, because you're going to fuck something else up, and I'll just have no other choice but to come down and help."

" You're right, you asshole. I'm always going to need you."

" I'm always going to be there."

" I love you so much, Harry. Thank you for being here."

" God, you're not making this any easier, are you?"

" I do. I just need you to know that."

" I know. And I love you too."

" Still haven't forgotten?"

" No, I'm afraid not. I probably won't forget for a little while, which is the point of this whole trip, remember?" He pulled away, smiling down upon her, almost to let her know that it was okay, that he was no longer mad at her. He couldn't blame her for falling out of love with him. They had been different people when they had fallen in love, and with how life went along, he shouldn't have expected her to still be in love with a person that he no longer was. He just hoped that Zayn would be able to fall in love with her again, because he couldn't imagine someone ever falling out of love with her, no matter what version of herself she had become.

" Don't bottle it up inside and pretend it isn't there, Robin. I don't want you to lose another part of yourself."

" I'll try, yeah. Till next time, Harry."

" Till next time, Robin." This time, he didn't dare kiss her lips, as he willed his own lips to fall onto her forehead instead. He kissed her once, then another time, before he had to detach himself away from her. He walked away, putting a finger to his mouth, and raising it in the air. The last sound he'd heard was her laughter, and he wondered, how he was meant to forget how much he loved the sound of that.

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A/N: I love this story so much and I love Robin and I love this Harry and this Zayn and I can't believe it's coming to an end so soon :(

I hope you enjoyed this chapter, I've attached a picture of Robin's new hair because I think Barbara would look gorgeous in this color, so yeah.

Let me know what you think please :)

ily x