Under Average Nerd

Emotions

There is this feeling I randomly get. I can be happy and smiling then like a slap in the face it all ends. I suddenly have no reason to be happy, any positive thoughts are gone replaced with thoughts telling me to leave my friends alone because my sadness will only ruin their fun. This feeling is more like a person, calm and collected at first but as soon as you let your guard down they drag you into a never ending darkness. Lets just call this person Sadness. She sits in the corner of every room I enter, sitting there mocking me with a smile. She guarantees happiness, smiling, whispers sweet words in my ears, slowly getting close enough, then she grabs me and drags me back to my home where she yells at me for thinking I could have friends. She is like my other half, unwanted but still there. Some days she drags me to the kitchen and tells me to pick up the butcher knife and just do it. I never do though and that just makes her more persistent, makes her want me dead even more. The one time though that I was actually close to death she cried, she didn't want me dead, she wanted me to be alive and miserable for the rest of my life. My friends understand because they have their own Sadness' that I drive away. I try to give them a candle to guide them through the darkness that their Sadness' drag them in but sometimes one little candle isn't enough. They try to give me a candle but I shove it back in their face and tell them to use it. Only three peoples candles are bright enough to keep Sadness in her corner. Jessica, Olivia, and Nova's candles are bright enough. Nova will tell me her Sadness drags her in a never ending ocean of problems and situations that might never happen so A candle is useless. Olivia say's she has heros from animes and tv shows that encourage her to shine bright enough to be a candle so she does not need mine. Jessica claims her Sadness drags her into the real world, a place where you can see that your so small when something bad happens, that you are in realty useless, no candle can save her. They give me their unneeded candles and these candles whisper encouraging thoughts that push me to keep moving. There is a time about twice a month where Sadness is gone. This is not that time. Sadness sits on my bed constantly blaming me for Nova's disappearance, she screams at me, hits me, leaves scars that I'm forced to cover with a mask. The bullies at school continue to taunt me, as they do Sadness clings to me telling me that they might be right, she reminds me that I lost a candle. Some nights I stay up and think that they all are right.

    'I did cause this' I think to myself as I walk down the side walk ' I'm useless, weak, a bad joke that needs to end, I can't do this anymore!' I walk to the edge of the bridge looking at the water below me, I don't want to die I just need to be away from the rest of this. The water is only 20 feet below the bridge but its ice cold. I see Sadness becoming panicky thinking my suffering is going to end. I stand near the edge and close my eyes, listening to the sounds in peace.

     "ALISSA GET THE F*CK DOWN BEFORE YOU FALL OR THE BRIDGE BREAKS! ITS FUCKING OLD AND NOT STABLE" A low and calming voice yells. I look down to see Sadness smiling next to the person that yelled. Nova looks a mess, cuts litter her arms, her green hair is sticking up at points, dirt covers her clothing, but she's still my adorable yet annoying Nova.

      "What are you doing here? I thought... I thought you were dead." I said about to cry.

       "I'm staying at an old friends house and I saw you walking here so I followed you to make sure you didn't do anything stupid." She was slowly walking closer.

       "W-why?" I was now crying and I could barely see." Why did you leave?!"

       "I left because I couldn't take it! Okay I'm weak, I COULDN'T F*CKING TAKE IT ANYMORE!" she was screaming now about to break down. Her voice soon only became a whisper. "I couldn't take the constant taunting I needed to get away".

     "Couldn't take what!? Huh Nova!? Couldn't take being called a lesbian!? Or couldn't take people thinking we were dating?!" I yelled at her, my back was touching the rusty railing as I spoke and I could feel Nova staring at it.

     "What I couldn't take is the fact that I can't have feelings for you without other people bullying you about it... I'm bisexual okay Alissa? Now you know, what are you going to do? Tell the whole school?" her voice was quiet and her body was shaking.

    "Nova it's okay I understand... I'm pansexual. I know what its like to feel alone and like your sexuality doesn't matter. Now you know my secret and I know yours. I love you Nova." I smiled weakly at her. After saying that I pushed myself away from the railing eager to get off this bridge but then the railing broke and I fell backwards. It felt like Sadness pushed me not wanting me to be happy. I felt the water hit my skin, burning me. Suddenly my throat tightened and my lungs burned, I was met with darkness my nice comforting darkness.