Listen Lucky

50. Avoidance

If I Die Young - The Band Perry

I only left my room for food on Sunday, and even when I did that I made sure that everyone else in the house was busy so I wouldn't have to talk to them. Fortunately, Willow decided to give me some space.

I should have been ecstatic, over the mood to hear that Will liked me. Will felt the same way as I felt about him! Instead, it just made me angry.

I was angry because the thing I wanted most in the world was within reach, but I couldn't have it.  It was okay before, when I thought there could be no possible chance of us being together, but when he told me how he felt about me, I realised that only the possibility of my past coming back to haunt me was what was keeping us apart.

I knew we could have been happy together, that he was good for me and I was good for him, but I just couldn't be selfish like that. Letting someone into my life like that was a risk. Will might've gotten hurt or even killed because of me. And if I ever had to pick up and run away on short notice it would be almost impossible to leave him behind.

On top of all of that, I was humiliated by what Toby had done. I thought that he was someone I could trust, I had known him since we had moved to Montana, but he had to go and prove me wrong.

I just wanted to recede into myself and shut out the difficult, confusing world. I felt like I had nobody I could turn to. I felt alone again and it was like drowning.

***

"You were screaming last night," Willow pointed out as we ate breakfast.

"Have the dreams come back sweetie?" my mom asked, looking at me like I was a breakable doll.

"The dreams never left," I told them, standing up from the table and taking my plate with me to the sink.

It was true, I always had bad dreams, sometimes they even made me scream in my sleep, but when Will was there they were gone and I felt safe. Apparently they had come back with a vengeance in his absence.

"I'm driving to school today," I told Willow, leaning against the sink.

"What about Will?" she asked, and I could tell she was asking more than about just him giving us a ride. She wanted to know what had happened on Saturday.

"I want to go somewhere after school so I need the car." It wasn't completely a lie, I did actually want to visit Lucia.

She got out and followed me to the car. We saw Will heading across the street towards us, but when he saw us getting into my car, he stopped. Willow waved at him, I attempted a smile but I'm sure it looked like more of a grimace.

"What on earth did he say to piss you off so much?" she raised her eyebrows at me as I switched on the engine and sped off.

"Nothing! It was just a bad night and I was tired," I lied. She didn't believe me, but she didn't question it further.

We arrived at school in record time, apparently I had forgotten that it was illegal to drive above the speed limit. I always said Will Memory was a bad influence on me.

I slammed the car door and rushed to my locker, aware that Will would be arriving closely behind us.

It was immature to ignore him. I didn't want to ignore him because I needed him, but I was too cowardly to talk about what had happened. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to hide my feelings from him and that would just make everything complicated- even more complicated.

"Hey! You!" I heard Emma call to me.

I spun around. She did not look happy as she stormed over to me.