Once Upon a Bathroom Stall

twenty seven // still it's all that i wanna do

"You're basically evil, right? As far as a conscious goes, you don't really have much of one?"

"I feel like I should be offended, but you're not wrong."

"Great, can you do me a favour?"

"No."

"What? Can't you at least hear me out? Come on, for your good old friend Parker? Throw me a bone? After everything we've been through?"

"... All right, what's up?"

"I need you to burn down the McDonalds by Highland."

"Well that changes everything! Why didn't you say anything before? I'll just go grab my flamethrower out of the garage and I'll be right there!"

"Really?"

"No."

"Damn, I thought we were so close. I felt like arson was totally up your alley. Who am I going to ask now, Kevin? Kevin can't do it. Kevin's got clammy hands. He can't do anything."

"That's a lot of prejudice against us clammy-handed folk. I'll set you on fire using these clammy hands and then we'll see what you've got to say about it."

"Do you actually have clammy hands? Oh man, this changes everything."

"Yep. It's like holding hands with a dead squid. Pretty sexy, if you ask me."

"Fine, fine, I'll do it, okay? I'll suck it up, I'll go where no one person should ever have to go- I'll hold your hand, Mina. And I swear to you, I'll try to keep the throwing up to a minimum. Like under three times, maybe."

"Don't worry, you can continue holding your own dick like always. I'll be fine."

"They'll write movies about me. I hope I get played by Brad Pitt. I feel like he really gets my energy."

"Why did you want to burn down this McDonalds anyway?"

"Right- back to what's most important. I hate it. I just finished my shift and it's definitely reminded me why I hate everyone and why everyone is the worst. Before this job, I swear, I was actually under the illusion that there were good people in the world. Now, two weeks in, I stand corrected."

"Well that's your problem, you can't actually believe that people are good. That was your first mistake."

"Some lady threw a Big Mac at my face. A Big Mac. At my face."

"And I'm supposed to assume that it wasn't your fault at all? Totally unjustified?"

"You're right, I was clearly in the wrong. When she ordered a Big Mac, I should have known what she really wanted was a quarter pounder. That's my fault. How dare I not read her mind?"

"You're obviously the worst cashier ever."

"I know but come on! You can't damage the money-maker! This is basically the only reason why I still have a job."

"Why do you want me to burn it down, then? If you want to keep your job and all."

"Oh, right, well I want to be in the building when you set it on fire, and then maybe I can sue them for worker's comp or something."

"Or you know, you might die."

"That is a risk I am willing to take. Hell must be better than working at McDonalds. I'm serious."

"And you can't quit?"

"I just need money. I've made some bad investments lately."

"Like what?"

"Promise you won't laugh at me."

"You ask too much, Parker."

"... I bought Hip-Hop Abs."

"Oh my God."

"Stop laughing! I thought it was a good idea at the time! It was four in the morning! I can't be blamed! They were really convincing! Stop the laughing!"

"Well, I mean, do you have hip-hop abs now?"

"... Essentially."

"Oh, yeah?"

"I think the first step to getting hip-hop abs is putting the disc into the DVD player. Which I did. So, basically there. Give it a couple of days, they'll appear. That's how it works, right?"

"Have you even done a workout? Or tried? Given any sort of effort that requires breaking a sweat?"

"It's really hard! My body does not move in the ways they're assuming it can move!"

"You mean anything other than a sedentary position?"

"You are the most unsupportive person I've ever met.

"Hmm, so, McDonalds at Highland then? I know where that is."

"Now who's doing weird and perverted information things with the information their given."

"I was actually thinking I might visit you, but you've just reminded me of how terrible an idea that would be."

"You're missing out. I do look very sexy in a visor."

***

impromptu early update brought to you by... drum roll please.... YOU GUYS. FOR GETTING THIS STORY TO #1 IN SHORT STORY.

THAT IS SO AWESOME. YOU GUYS ARE SO AWESOME.

and i hope this longer-ish update with some interesting developments and the dancing gif above is a nice thank you, other than this thank you that i'm saying right now. thank you guys. you're all the best. i don't deserve you. T.T