Kill All Your Friends (Frerard)

Our Memories Defeat Us

"I didn't find anything in Mikey's phone," Gerard randomly said to Frank. They were sitting by their tree at lunch. Gerard had been drawing his brother, Frank still occasionally trying to sneak a peek, while the shorter man was reading Anthem, another personal favorite of Gerard's. Sometimes he still found himself shocked by Frank's knowledge of books, because he'd figured he was the only person who'd read them at his school.

"So what are you planning on doing?" Frank asked as he stuck a blade of grass in between the pages to use as a bookmark and closed the book, giving Gerard his full attention. The redheaded man shrugged his shoulder, letting a soft sigh escape his lips.

"I don't know." They stayed sitting in silence before Frank decided it was time to ask Gerard about Ray and Bob.

"Maybe Ray of Bob know something?" He asked hesitantly. Gerard seemed to freeze at the names, but soon recovered, only to shrug his shoulders.

"I don't know, Frank. Do you honestly think they know something?"

"It doesn't hurt to try. After all, they, too, were his friends," Frank explained. Although the words made Gerard flinch, Frank knew he wouldn't say no. He trusted Frank and knew he wouldn't saying anything without thinking of the consequences, let alone suggest anything.

"Okay. All right. I'll talk to them," he gave, shutting his sketchbook. He checked the time on his phone; they still had a good fifteen minutes before the bell rang.

"Will you come with me?" He asked Frank, lowing his voice until it was nearly a whisper.

"Only if you're sure that my presence wouldn't be minded by the other two. I'm sure it'll be an emotional moment; I don't want to intrude," he rambled on.

"No, I'm sure they'll be fine. After all, the only reason I'm doing this is because you think I should." Frank smiled at his words, causing Gerard to smile back.

"My mom is coming home today with Helena. Wanna drop by or dinner?"

"That's your family moment," Gerard responded. Frank gave a little laugh.

"Actually, she and John came up with the idea. They called me this morning demanding that I ask you," he said. Gerard felt his heart swell with all the love he was receiving from Frank and his family.

"All right. I'll go. Um, when do you think I should talk to the guys?" He asked cautiously. Frank gave a thoughtful look.

"Well, whenever you feel comfortable. I'm right behind you every step of the way," he spoke softly, briefly gripping Gerard's hand to give a squeeze before letting go. After realizing his feelings, he'd been trying to bury them. They were the last thing Gerard, and even him, needed.

"I-I should initiate the conversation now, right? Yeah, that sounds good," he muttered to himself. Frank chuckled at the older man answering his own questions. They both stood and walked across the courtyard, and into the cafeteria. Already knowing what table they sat at, Gerard walked over to them with his same expressionless look. He still wanted to appear confident to them. Frank followed behind him, still debating if his presence was a good idea. They slowly sat down across from the other two men, both not bothering to hide their shock.

"Hey," Gerard spoke after a long silence. The other three let out a relieved laugh.

"I need to ask you both something. I want nothing but honesty," he wearily spoke. He found that he'd gained a bit of courage and he wasn't going to waste it. Ray and Bob both nodded their heads and waited for him to continue.

"I'm trying to figure out why Mikey did it. Do you two maybe have any ideas?" Bob was the first to speak.

"He was always smiling, Gerard. I really don't know," he said. Ray seemed to be more in thought, indirectly giving Gerard a little bit of hope.

"No. I can't think of anything. If-if you don't know, then I know there's know why we would," he spoke softly. Frank grabbed Gerard's hand under the table and held it tightly. Thankfully, he seemed to relax into Frank's touch. A sign of trust. Just then, the bell rang and everyone, except for the four men, cleared out.

"I'm sorry, Gerard. But, please, don't stop talking to us. We're not going to leave you. We-we would never," Ray explained.

"Yeah. We may not be able to go back to how things were and we don't have to forget him, but..." he paused, "We can start over again. Knowing Mikey, I'm sure he wouldn't want things to continue as they have been," Bob said. Gerard quickly shook his head.

"No, it seems we didn't know him as well as we thought we did." Then he let go of Frank's hand and go up, leaving the other three men without another glance.

"I'll-I'll talk to him, guys," Frank said. They both nodded at him and sat there until Frank, himself, left. This was important to Gerard; He had to find something. At least one clue. Maybe he could revisit Gerard's home and look around Mikey's side of the room. He pulled out his phone and sent Gerard a message.

'Wanna ditch the rest of the day?' Not even a minute later, he got a reply.

'Yes.'

'Okay. Let me pick my school work first. I'll meet you at the front gate?'

'I'll be waiting.'

He quickly visited his last three periods, giving them a revised version about how he was leaving early because his mom was getting out of the hospital. He met Gerard by the front gate anf they made their way to Frank's house.

"Hey, Gerard?" Frank asked. They were about two blocks away from his home.

"Hm?" Gerard hummed to show Frank had his attention.

"I know this is your, um, brother, but maybe I could help?" He suggested.

"Help how?" They turned down Frank's road, keeping the same slow pace. They weren't in any hurry.

"Well, like how I did with the pictures," he paused, taking a small inhale of air, "I'm an outsider. Maybe my eyes will catch things yours, Ray's, or Bob's will miss because you knew Mikey so well." Gerard thought for a moment. It made sense, sure, but Frank was already doing so much for him. And it couldn't have been easy, because, due to his helping, Frank had touched back on his own abandoned feelings about his father. Maybe he could help Frank with that: Find his father's reason.

"That makes a lot of sense. Uh, how about I help you find your dad's?" Gerard asked. It'd been so much easier to talk about Mikey and Frank's dad now that they'd established how they did it and how they felt about them. Both men were relieved of the pressure that weren't aware they'd been carrying on their shoulders.

"I already know." Was all Frank said as they walked up Frank's drive way. His mom's car being the only car there. It had a fresh layer of dirt lining the bottom of the doors and the back window which told Gerard that Frank had gone back to look at the bridge from his secluded spot in the woods that he and his father had claimed. A small part of him felt a bit left out that the younger man had gone back without him, but he quickly pushed those feelings away because that place was special to Frank. The fact that he'd even taken Gerard there showed how much he trusted him. He accepted that.

"How long have you known?"

"A couple of weeks," he answered as he unlocked the door. Oh. Gerard had to wonder why he never mentioned it to him, but he had to remind himself that, despite being extremely talkative, he was very closed off about himself.

"Oh," he said, stating his earlier thought aloud.

"I didn't want to tell you the day I found out, because you'd already seemed... hurt with other things," Frank explained as he kicked his shoes off and dropped his bag on the floor next to the coffee table in the middle of the living room. Gerard took his own shoes off and dropped his bag by the door as Frank walked into the kitchen only to reappear with two cans of Coke in his hands.

"What day was this?" He asked. He took one of the cans of soda from Frank and they sat on the floor together in front of the coffee table.

"You called me asking to come over."

"Oh," Gerard repeated.

"I never said 'thank you' for that, by the way," Frank murmured, popping his can open.

"For what?" Gerard asked, doing the same before taking a huge drink. It burned his throat near to the point of tears. He always loved that feeling. It served to wake him up from whatever daze he found himself in.

"Before you called, I was determined to find the solution to my problems at the bottom of a bottle. That would've been a mistake, but, thanks to you, I came to my senses," he explained quietly.

"I'm glad I called when I did, then." Frank didn't verbally respond, but gave him a smile. They sat in a comfortable silence, drinking their Coke's, and staring aimlessly around Frank's living room, before Gerard spoke, not able to resist any longer.

"So, if you don't mind my asking," he trailed off. Frank shrugged.

"He just wasn't happy," he stated simply. He'd read through half of his dad's worn out journal, by that time and, so far, every single entry had only explained how much he missed how sunny the world used to seem. Others only had the repeated sentence: "How I wish I were born color blind so they gray's would seem normal to me." It hurt Frank in ways he could never explain to know that he never brought the color back into his father's life. He almost hated himself for it.

He glanced over at Gerard, finding that his facial expression wanted him to elaborate more, but his just shrugged once more.

"Sometimes people just stop being happy, Gerard, and it's enough for them to let go." Those words seemed to strike a chord with Gerard. What if Mikey's reason were as simple, yet meaningful, as that? He just became unhappy? No, he thought, he said something was hurting.

After another pregnant silence, Frank handed him the remote.

"I'm going to complete my school work. You could flip through the stations or put on a movie if you'd like," he suggested as he pulled out a beige-colored folder and took out the first worksheet.

"I could help if you need it," Gerard offered. He missed the days where he used to tutor other students at the school. Those days seemed a lifetime ago even though it hadn't even been a year since his last tutoring session. It was a freshman, who was now a sophomore, named Patrick. He was a really bright kid, he just lacked the confidence in his work and his anxiety made him second guess his answers that had originally been correct.

"No, thanks. It'll only take me an hour at the most." Then Frank got to work and Gerard turned the television on and flipped through the stations. It amazed Gerard how Frank's focus never faltered. How he seemed completely lost in his own world yet was still capable to answer any random question that Gerard asked him without having to ask him to repeat said question. Frank really was a smart kid. Although he didn't know why he was so sure, he felt, if anyone could figure out why Mikey did it, it would be him. And he was okay with that.