Kill All Your Friends (Frerard)

Sleep

Gerard had stayed over at Frank's house that night where they exchanged small kisses and held each other tightly. It's been one year since his brother had left him, his family, friends and the world. It's a very long time and a short amount of time. It felt that way. Gerard can feel the night dragging on and yet somehow speeding up, making his head dizzy and his heart heavy. He just wanted to sleep, but his mind wouldn't let him.

The two boys laid on Frank's bed, Gerard's head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat as his boyfriend held him as closely as possible. He looked out of Frank's window wishing to the stars, the moon and whoever was up there willing to listen that his brother would call him asking where he was because he missed him. That used to happen often when he stayed over at a relative's house (back when they were closer) and he'd have to stay on the phone with his brother until he fell asleep. He missed those moments and they teared deep scars into his heart and mind. He wanted to meet his brother again. Not in the sense of taking his own life, but in the sense of not stopping his death if he saw it coming. He would cross the road without looking both ways often now, scaring his boyfriend and slamming reality back onto him.

Frank was growing more and more concern at his other half's actions. He was happier, yes, but Gerard was also willing to let himself meet his end with no problems. It terrified him.

"Frank?" Gerard mumbled against his chest, tightening his grip around his waist.

"What is it, Gee?" He asked softly. Gerard looked up at him, posting his chin on breast, smiling at him.

"I love you." Frank smiled sweetly, his love oozing out of him. He leaned down and kissed Gerard's forehead.

"I love you, too. I know you've been more out of it lately, but you've gotta start being careful, okay? I don't want you to get hurt, and..." he swallowed the lump in his throat. "I don't want to lose you. I'd never be able to live in a world without Gerard Way in it." Gerard's look softened, realizing how selfishly he'd been thinking and living this past month.

"I know. I'm sorry, Frankie. Do you forgive me?" He asked, leaning up for a kiss.

"Of course. Now, give me another kiss," Frank demanded with a smile. Gerard giggled and kissed him again, this one longer than the last. At home, they were inseparable, often holding hands everywhere, but at school they only gave each other loving looks and the occasional kiss on the cheek. No one said anything about their relationship, because they didn't matter much to other people, and that was fine by them. When they did hold hands, they often felt exposed, neither really favoring PDA.

A couple of weeks ago, the pair had scored the top of their class once again for the last placement test of the year, setting it in stone that Gerard was to be Valedictorian with a 4.0 GPA. Much to everyone's surprise, Frank had the same GPA, really bringing to attention how hard he worked and how smart he was. Thankfully, Gerard had taken Frank's advice and written his speech for graduation and he wasn't going to let anyone read it, not even Frank. He respected Gerard's privacy, never really questioning his boyfriend's choices. Things were going great between the two.

The clock struck midnight and Gerard sucked a breath in shakily. "Happy Valentine's Day, Frankie," he whispered. Frank held him tighter, turning his body to face him and pressing him against his chest.

"Happy Valentine's Day, Gee," he said. After a moment, he added, "it's okay to cry. Don't hold it in or you can get sick." With that, Gerard let his tears flow staining Frank's shirt with the hurt of missing his brother. "We'll visit him later, okay? I'll take you over there and wait in the car to give you some time with him." Gerard nodded, scooting his body closer to Frank until there was no space left and their legs were tangled together.

"You're the best thing that's ever happened to me," Gerard whispered against his chest, causing Frank to smile.

"You know, I'm glad I went to school early as fuck that day. August 22nd is my favorite day," he mumbled back. Gerard bit his lip to contain his smile, barely succeeding in doing so. "When I first saw you, your eyes looked void, your manners were wrecked to all fuck, and you were alone, but I still knew there was something special about you." He looked down at Gerard who was staring back up and him and placed a small kiss on his little nose, causing Gerard to blush.

"I like how your compliments start with insults." They laughed together for a moment before settling in the silence once again. "We should sleep, yeah?" Frank nodded and they pulled the covers up. Frank laid back on his back and Gerard took his regular position with half of his body on top of his. He stared out of window for a while as his eyes grew heavy. He thought back to New Year's and how beautiful the color of the fireworks were shining against Frank's pleasure-filled face, how the sweat glistened off of his body and the beautiful songs emitting out of his mouth and into the air. Since then, they had taken to making love when the feelings became too much. It wasn't something they made a production out of. They both thought that was a good thing. When they woke up the morning after their first time, they were filled with blushes and giggles. Gerard had to sneak down stairs to search for some ibuprofen and was embarrassed to all hell when Linda asked what he was doing. He'd tried to tell her that Frank had woken up with a headache, but she just gave him an amused look and said she hoped they used protection, which they didn't, but he lied and nodded before running back to Frank's room completely red. It'd slipped his mind. What's done is done, though. When he told his boyfriend of the encounter, Frank just laughed until he couldn't breathe, causing Gerard to grimace, obviously the only one who was embarrassed. Gerard, after a few more minutes of staring at the night sky, allowed his eyes to close and himself to drift off to sleep.

*

Frank sat in the car as Gerard walked through the cemetery gates with flowers in his hand and hoped everything would be okay. Just as they'd gotten here, they both saw Ray and Bob leaving in Ray's vehicle and they waved at the other two men who smiled and waved back. Gerard had stated that he was glad they hadn't forgotten their younger friend and that they still kept track of the days to his anniversary. He laid his head back and turned his radio on, smiling softly as the song "Angel Baby" came on. Frank loved this song as much as he loved dogs. It was something about her voice and the emotions behind it. It was a song that he thought about Gerard the whole way through. Actually, most love songs had Gerard in his head, but he was a cheesy guy.

If he and Gerard ever got into an argument, then he'd probably pull a "Say Something" moment right outside Gerard's window. It was a given. He loved his movies as much as Gerard did and the two often reenacted movies scenes together. Their family enjoyed watching them when they watched in the living room. He relished in the memories he had of Gerard and smiled to himself, thinking about how different their relationship would be if Mikey was still here. Maybe he and Gerard wouldn't be together now, but it wasn't something he could think about now. No matter how many what-ifs were running around his head, there would never be any answers.

He jumped when the car door open and Gerard sat inside. His eyes red, puffy, and pouring tears. Frank automatically straightened up and pulled the older man into his arms, holding him tightly.

"I should've watched him better, Frankie," he sobbed. Frank closed his eyes tightly, remembering when he murmured those same words as he looked down at his father's limp body in the bathtub. "He was only fifteen. There was still enough time to get better!" Frank let his own tears fall and they cried together. His heart was hurting for his boyfriend, his best friend.

"It'll be okay, Gerard. One day, it'll start getting easier. Mikey is happy now. He's okay now. He's always right by your side." Gerard continued sobbing before finally pulling away and wiping his tears away, taking a few deep breaths. He smiled over at Frank.


"Can we just go get some ice cream? I wanna eat his favorite flavor today and then I'll cook you and the family his favorite food. Would that be okay?" He asked shyly. This was the first time he'd offer to cook for them, but he was confident that he could make something good for them. He used to make this for his brother whenever he did good on his report card or for his birthday.

"That sounds good, babe," Frank said, wiping his own tears and starting the car. "We'll hold off on the ice cream until later though because you know how my stomach gets. I don't want to spend most of the night in the restroom again." Gerard nods understandingly and hold Frank's hand as he sets his hand on the shift gear. Although Gerard is excited to start college once June comes, he's sad about leaving his boyfriend. After this year, he still has three years of shitty high school left and he pretty much has no other friends other than the three seniors and it left Gerard feeling concerned about who he was going to hang out with.

"Hey, after me and the guys graduate, who are you going to hang out with at school? I'd hate to think of you being alone," Gerard said, his voice growing sadder and sadder with each word. Frank squeezed his hand, coming to a stop at a sign briefly before turning down their road.

"Don't worry about that, sweetheart. Pete is actually transferring to our school next year, so I'll have him to talk to." Gerard's eye twitched at the mention of the other boy and he exhaled through his nose. Frank noticed the change in his boyfriend and smiled softly. "Baby, he has a girlfriend, you know," he said to ease his boyfriend's nerves. Gerard's smile immediately returned.

"Really?" He asked for confirmation, hopeful. Frank nodded, parking in the driveway.

"Yep. He also respects our relationship and so do I. Gee, I'd never cheat on you or even love anyone else, for that matter." Gerard smiled down at his lap, blushing like a schoolgirl. Frank grinned at the look on his boyfriend's face and pulled him in for a kiss. "I love you."

"I love you, too." The family greeted them and that's when Gerard decided to ask them about dinner. "Hey, guys?" He asked, bringing their attention to him. "I want to make dinner tonight. Is that okay?" He asked.

"Oh, my! Really? We'd love that, wouldn't we, John?" The man nodded and Gerard gave them a big smile before turning to the kitchen, Frank following after. He went through the fridge and pulled out a bag of chicken that had been defrosted. He grabbed a pot and set to work on boiling the chicken. Frank sat at the table reading through that week's newspaper, often laughing at the comics. Linda peeked inside after a while and nearly squealed in delight with how much they looked like a married couple, but instead rushed over to John and filled him in. He smiled at his wife, pleased with how happy everyone was.

Back in the kitchen, Frank took to watching Gerard move about the kitchen and fridge. Gerard pulled out a cutting board and took out a plastic bag, setting it on the counter. Once the chicken was boiled, Gerard took the pieces out with a fork, before draining the water in the sink and then set to taking off all the meat before tossing the skin and bones in the plastic bag. Frank took a couple of pictures, not caring if it may have been a little creepy and then continued to watch his boyfriend for the next hour. It was six in the afternoon by the time Gerard had made orange chicken tacos, tea, and heated some beans on the side. The house smelled wonderful and Frank's stomach had been growling for about twenty minutes now.

"Okay, baby, dinner's ready!" Gerard exclaimed, wiping his hands on his pants after washing them. One by one, he made plates for everyone and then took his seat next to Frank, holding hands under the table even though it wasn't even a secret thing between the two anymore.

"Gerard, this looks really good!" Linda praised, taking a bite of one of her tacos and making a pleased sound. "It tastes just as good as it looks, too." Frank was proud of his boyfriend for making their family dinner in honor of Mikey. He felt blessed to have such an amazing significant other. He leaned over Gerard and kissed his cheek.

"This is really good, Gee. I love it," he said, and then picked up his glass of tea. "To Mikey, everyone. A wonderful brother, and I'm positive, a lovely friend I wish I'd known." Everyone raises their glasses and even Helena seems to raise her hand, looking at them in wonder, before they all took a drink of ice cold tea. Gerard smiled over at Frank, his eyes glistening with tears and even though this was a sad day, Frank made him happy. He could smile and laugh and function and love someone so deeply, and it was thanks to the seventeen-year old sitting next to him, holding his hand underneath the table.

After the leftovers were put up, the boys went up to Frank's room and cuddled while watching Young Frankenstein before they set out to leave for ice cream. Just as Gerard was pulling on his jacket, he looked at Frank.

"Ready to go, Frankie?" Frank gave him a polite smile, catching him off guard.

"Actually, it's pronounced 'Fronk'," and grinned like an idiot. Gerard scoffed.

"Right, and I'm Jared." They both chuckled and headed out. Mikey's favorite ice cream was really simple. It was plain vanilla. The two boys sat in the bakery eating a decent sized bowl of the creamy treat and Gerard smiled as he watched Frank mix his around it to make it creamier. He adored every one of Frank's habits, because they made him who he was.

"Hey, Frank. What was your dad like? You know, before the change," he asked curiously. Frank's smile slipped off his face for a moment before returning in the form of nostalgia.

"Well, he was really fun and silly and that was something my mother fell in love with him for. Looking at how she is, they were really a perfect fit. He treated us really well, often taking us out to eat at this burger joint that I've been wanting to take you too. It's kinda far, but we can make the drive sometime. Anyways, he was really smart. He actually made doing homework interesting and fun and I guess it caught on and stuck with me, even after his death." Frank looks out the window, watching the sun set for a brief moment before looking back at Gerard. "He was a nice guy, even after he changed. He just wasn't always there. Sometimes he'd just sit in the living room staring at nothing and it took a lot to get his attention. I think that was the most depressing thing. It was that I could call for him for so long and he wouldn't even blink, as if I wasn't there or he didn't care. I choose to believe the former, it hurts less, you know?" Gerard nodded along, really thankful to get more of an insight. "He was really a great man, though. I know you'd have loved him. Just as much as I do."

"What was his favorite color?" Gerard asked, hoping to cheer him up by thinking about the good things. "Mikey's was orange. Strange kid," he laughed. Frank smiled wider.

"Dad's was actually green. Mikey's favorite movie? Dad's was The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly." Gerard thought for a moment.

"It was probably Star Wars. Favorite food? You just had Mikey's so you know." Frank didn't miss a beat.

"Carne guisada tacos with rice and homemade beans on the side. We haven't had that in forever though. Mikey's favorite thing to do? Dad's was working in my math book and then after the change, it was just staring off into space."

"Mikey loved spending time with me. We were inseparable. In a way, we still are now," he answered with a big smile. It was a smile that Frank wouldn't forget any detail about. How thin his lips looked, the highlight of his high cheekbones, or his dimples, but another thing he wouldn't forget was why he smiled like that, where he was, what time it was, and the gleam in his eyes as he did. It was then that Frank knew he needed to always make Gerard smile like this.

The couple stayed in the bakery until it was closing time and then left, taking a short walk down the street, holding hands and huddling closely because of Frank's intolerance to the cold. Gerard didn't mind. He loved Frank when he was extremely close.

"Thank you for telling me about your dad, Frankie. It really meant a lot to me," Gerard said as he looked at the now cloudy sky, only able to catch a glimpse of a few stars every now and then.

"Thank you for asking. I really like remembering the good times about my dad. Like, the weird habits he had. You know, he would mumble things for himself and make silly face as he watched TV. It wasn't in the way that he was making fun of the people on the show, but more in the sense of a habit. Like, he had to do it. I loved watching him. It made me laugh and tease him about it," he said. "Oh! And we had inside jokes, too! Like, one time we were watching this movie called Yeti, and it was a terrible movie no doubt, but, like, there was this one scene where the yeti attacks these snowboarders or whatever, right?" Gerard nods. "Okay, and so he rips this one guy's leg off," he says starting to laugh. "And, like, the yeti just start-" he can hardly finish his sentence because of his giggling, and Gerard just has to smile because Frank's laugh could probably cause world peace. "Just starts beating the guy with it and eating it between hits and we just burst out laughing because it was the funniest shit ever!" He finally finishes, laughing almost hysterically, tears gathering in his eyes. Gerard assumes it's from laughing too much, but Frank feels that familiar warmth inside his heart. The feeling of missing his father laughing with him.

He misses the laugh, the dorky smile, the silly faces, and how loud his voice used to be when he talked. He missed the scent of his after shave and the way he would read mechanical books because he was trying to figure out how to fix the car. He missed being able to predict what he dad was going to do on certain days. He missed staying up all night just so he could spend some time with him watching Tom & Jerry or even Malcom in the Middle. He missed when his dad made breakfast which always turned out to be weenie and eggs with a side of bacon because that's all he could really cook. He missed the clothes his dad wore, he missed the hugs he got, he missed seeing him have such a blast on Easter because he loved cracking the cascarones on everyone's head. He missed going out and shopping for bags of candy to hand out during Halloween while he went trick or treating. There were so many heart-wrenching things about his dad that he missed, that he would never be able to experience ever again, and it was something no one else could give him. Not even John, although he'd tried. He wouldn't admit it to the older man's face, but it angered him when he tried to do the things his father did, because only his dad could do those things and get away with it. There would never be anyone like his dad, and that left him both happy and sad.

He wiped his tears and pushed his feelings away. He'd cry when he was alone so he didn't burden his boyfriend. After getting in the car and driving Gerard home, he made another stop by his dad's spot and sat on the hood thinking about nothing. He just sat there shivering, wondering when his time to leave the town would come and what he would do then. He didn't want to attend college exactly, because nothing but his guitar really interested him. Maybe he'd start a band or maybe he'd try out for one. The world was full of possibilities.

"What would Gerard think about me being a musician?" He muttered under his breath. He knew he would only receive unwavering support and encouragement from his boyfriend and it warmed his heart. He laid in bed that thinking about how close graduation was, and that's when he made his decision.