Kill All Your Friends (Frerard)

Drowning Lessons Pt. One

Within the next week and a half, Frank was completely on edge. Gerard noticed his strange behavior but decided it was about his birthday coming up, so he would let it be. They were currently in his room reading books they exchanged. Gerard was very into the book while Frank's eyes were reading the words but his mind was elsewhere causing him to have to return to the beginning of the page every few sentences. It was beginning to frustrate him so he closed his book and set it down next to him.

"What's on your mind?" Gerard asked, looking at him over the book. Frank gave him a small grin, shaking his head. He had nothing he wanted to tell Gerard. His birthday was in two days and he was dying in his mind. He found his stomach in a constant twist every time he looked at Gerard. He knew it was a possibility that Gerard never wanted to see him again, but Frank hoped he could understand from his point of view. It wasn't his place to tell Gerard even though he knew. From the beginning, he was only just an outsider in this situation. He'd help, but they needed to do all of this on their own; he prayed Gerard understood that.

"No," he said, and then paused before continuing. "Actually, I need to talk to you about something," he said hesitantly. Gerard's heart raced and he slowly closed his book, setting it beside him on the floor where they were currently sitting. Gerard stared over at Frank's small figure leaning against the desk with his legs stretched out and crossed at the ankles. He was a work of art in Gerard's opinion; he could draw him all day. He nodded at the other man, asking him to go on. Frank shifted slightly, straightening his back out and taking a deep breath.

"Ray wants to meet up with you on Halloween. To talk. Um, about Mikey," Frank said, gesturing a lot more than he normally would due to nerves. Gerard raised a brow.

"He decided on Halloween?" He asked. That was Frank's birthday and even though he'd told Gerard he wanted to spend it alone, he was still planning on coming over to spend time with him. Frank never left him alone when he needed him and he was determined to return the favor. He owed him at least that much. Frank shook his head.

"Actually, I did." Gerard squinted his eyes slightly in confusion. "Well, of course I asked him if that worked for him," Frank said. Something about this sentence made Gerard's anger flare up.

"What if it didn't work for me?" He asked through gritted teeth. "Did you make it on that day just so I wouldn't bother you, Frank?" He asked another. Frank averted his eyes. That wasn't exactly it, Frank thought. He asked to be alone that day so he could follow them. Gerard wouldn't ask questions because he naturally liked to spend his birthday alone, ever since he father rid them of himself. "That was a real shit thing to do." Frank flinched at the tone of Gerard's voice. It seemed as though they suddenly backtracked these past couple of months and he was just the small freshman meddling in business that wasn't his own. They sat in silence for a few moments before Frank decided to speak.

"Gerard, I-"

"What time?" Gerard asked curtly, interrupting him. Frank sighed softly, abruptly tired.

"After school. At four, at that café on Main Street," Frank mumbled. Gerard nodded and stood up, grabbing his things. Frank stood up as well. "What are you doing?" He asked.

"Leaving you alone. That is what you want, isn't it?"

"No. It isn't, but if you want to leave, I won't stop you. I'll see you soon, Gerard," Frank said softly into the quietness of his room. Gerard shrugged his backpack on and looked back at him before walking out of his room. Frank let him go. He knew he didn't deserve to run after him, because there was nothing to justify his reasoning, because it hardly made sense to even himself. Frank picked up the book he left on the floor and put it back on his bookshelf before staring around his room. It felt empty now that Gerard had left, as it always did when Frank went to drop him off at home. Without his best friend there, it was just another cold house sitting along the curb amongst the other houses, nothing special, nothing different. It clicked in Frank head just then that Gerard was his home and he cursed himself for letting him leave so easily. He probably disappointed the other man, but there was nothing he could do. Gerard would ask too many questions that he couldn't and didn't want to answer. He shut off his light and climbed into bed fully clothed. Something about doing that always made him drift off easier. He slept full through the night, hoping his problems, that technically weren't even his, would go away and the two men could just be happy with one another.

Gerard laid in his bed that night, glaring up at the ceiling. The logical side of his brain told him that Frank was doing it for a good reason, but the irrational side didn't want to hear it. It was the fact that Frank was going to let Gerard handle this on his own, offering him no support that he would surely need come Halloween. He wanted to hate him, but he never could. He loved Frank and always wanted to be near him, which was why walking away was hard but realizing Frank wasn't coming after him was even harder. He felt abandoned by the one person he thought he could count on. He turned over on his side and looked over at the empty bed that he wished his brother was lying in now, rather than the hard, cold, wooden box buried under. He shut his eyes tightly, trying to rid his mind of Mikey's casket being lowered. He shuddered, wishing he'd looked away just as he parents had. He owed it to his little brother to at least bury him properly, especially since he died alone, thinking no one loved him. He thought back to when his brother told him that he loved him very much and how great of a brother and best friend he was before thinking about how much Mikey must have been disappointed in him just before he knocked the stool out from under his feet. Thinking about it now, he basically tied the noose for his brother and encouraged him to slip it around his neck.

He slapped his hands onto his face and shoved his body to face the other way. No, he thought. I've made a lot of progress. It wasn't his fault, he had to remind himself. It was no one's fault, he repeated in his head. Not even Mikey was to blame, the line a mantra in his head. Sure, he was angry with his brother, but he wasn't going to blame him for hurting. Gerard himself was guilty of extremely dark thoughts, but he didn't think he'd have the strength to put up something to end his life. It'd never actually crossed his mind until after Mikey died. After that, it seemed to come naturally. He could face death with a smile and a promise to be with his brother again; that is, until Frank came into his life. Now he found another reason to struggle picking up a blade. Even after what happened tonight, Frank was still the most important person to Gerard now, right next to Mikey. He wasn't sure if he was going to be able to sleep that night, but it came easier than expected and he was grateful to have slept through the whole night.

"Frank? Aren't you getting up for school?" His mother called from the doorway. He peaked his head out of the covers and flinched at her gleaming smile. She looked exhausted, but happy. Helena was wearing his mother out but in the best way. He hadn't seen his mother this happy since she came home one day and sat Frank down to tell him about a man she'd met while out at the store. Frank remembered feeling uncomfortable and yet strangely not upset about his mother replacing his father with some other man. He pulled the covers over his head and slightly grunted.

"Mom, can I use two days from my vacation time?" He asked. His mother was silent for a moment, no doubt looking at her son bundled under the blankets with a worried expression on her face. Every year, his mother gave him so many days that he was allowed to use if he felt too much pressure or felt very upset and didn't want to go to school. There was normally no more than fifteen days every year, but one year he remembered have to miss school for three weeks because he was depressed and it caused him to get sick. It was a time in his life he didn't like to remember, so he shut it away.

"Of course. May I ask what's wrong?" She asked.

"I'll tell you tomorrow?" He offered.

"Okay, sweetheart. Remember that both John and I are here for you if you need someone to talk to. You don't have to go through anything alone. I love you, baby," she said, her voice oozing with affection. He smiled softly under the blankets, happy with who his mother was.

"I love you, too, mom. Thanks," he said. He heard the soft click of the door closing and he sighed. His mother was a good person trying to help her son in any way that she could, and Frank thought she was doing an amazing job. He'd have to repay her one day.

He really didn't want to see Gerard knowing the other man wouldn't want him anywhere near him, so he decided staying home was best. He'd use this time to prepare himself for Halloween. Even though he wasn't the one who really needed to be nervous, he was just sincerely afraid of how Gerard was going to react. He just wanted everyone to be happy and friends again, but who knew what Gerard would do after hearing what Ray has to say.

Gerard went through his entire day at school noticing the other boy's absence. He couldn't help but feel guilty. He wasn't sure if Frank was taking the day off because of him or because of his father. From what Linda had told him, his birthday was a very sensitive time for him. He hated celebrating and liked to be left alone, locked in his room, making no sounds whatsoever. His mother also told him that as soon as his birthday was done and over with, he'd come out of his room and resume everything as if nothing had happened. She mentioned in passing that Frank was prone to locking himself up a day or two beforehand so Gerard was genuinely confused on whether he should feel guilty or not.

He was walking home right after school, something he definitely wasn't used to anymore, when his phone rang, startling him. He pulled it out of his pocket, hoping for it to be Frank but deflated upon seeing an unknown number. Reluctantly, he answered.

"Hello?" He answered hesitantly.

"Hello there. I'm looking for Gerard Way, this is Jenna calling from the New York Academy of Art," the lady on the phone explained. Gerard stayed silent for a moment, not believing this phone call was actually happening. Were they calling him to let him know they weren't interested? Were they even allowed to do that?

"Yes, this is him," he said, feeling almost embarrassed having to answer with such a sentence. It somehow made him feel snobby and he hated it.

"Hello, Gerard! I was calling to inform you that the application you submitted was processed and all that and we'd love for you to come up to the school for an interview! We'd love to meet you." Gerard could actually smile a smile that could spilt his face, but he opted for biting his lip and holding it down.

"Oh, wow, really?" He said excitedly. The lady on the line laughed softly.

"Yes. We looked over the art you attached to your application and we really love it. If we can set up a time for you to come on up and show you around, tell you all about our school in detail, and all that, we'd love for you for join our school," she said, excitement laced in her voice. Gerard thought it was safe to say that she enjoyed her job or she was really good at acting like it.

"Anytime on the weekends would be great!" Gerard said.

"All righty! How does November the seventh at three in the afternoon sound? It's a Saturday. Would that give you enough time to get here?" She asked. He thought it over. He didn't want his parents driving him up to where he was planning on going to college. He didn't want them to know where he was going to be going. Maybe he could ask Frank? Sure, he was upset with him but he wouldn't be forever.

"Sure, that sounds great! I'll get everything set. You have my e-mail, right? Would you mind e-mailing me that information to make sure I have everything right?" He asked.

"Of course! I'll send over that e-mail and if anything changes, I'll make sure to send an update. We'll see you up here on the seventh, Gerard. Have a good day!" She said. Gerard hummed along and gave her a likewise before hanging up. After pocketing his phone, he finally cracked and smiled happily. He changed his direction and headed for Frank's home.

"Gerard? Is everything okay?" Linda asked as she opened the door. Normally Gerard wouldn't come over if Frank hadn't attended school, so she found it surprising that he was standing before her.

"Yes. I need to see Frank, though." Linda frowned slightly before giving him a small sad smile.

"Sweetheart, I don't think Frank wants to see anyone. He's locked himself in his room already," she explained.

"Please? I have some good news that I need to tell him about," Gerard insists. Linda sighs softly before stepping aside to let him in.

"Go ahead on up. Maybe he'll open the door for you. If he doesn't, please don't take it to heart," she warned, giving him a soft smile and a shoulder squeeze. He nodded, returning her smile before heading upstairs. He stared at Frank's closed door before softly knocking.

"Frank? It's Gerard. Um, can I come in?" He asked. It was silent so he pressed his ear to the door. There was nothing but the humming of the central air that he could hear. "Frank?" He knocked again. "I have good news I want to share with you." He felt someone press against the door before sliding down. He soon followed, kneeling down to where he assumed Frank was.

"What is it?" Frank asked through the door, muffling his voice. He sounded upset, Gerard noted.

"Can I come in?" Gerard asked again.

"I don't want anyone to see me right now. I'm sorry, Gerard," he said. Gerard sighed softly, but listened to what Linda had just told him. He couldn't take any of this to heart, because it was just how Frank dealt with things. He didn't have anyone to help him through his slump and now he ends up pushing people away when he needed them most. He didn't let anyone into his life very easily and Gerard was just thankful that he was able to sit on the floor with him, even with a door between them, and talk to him when they both needed it. Maybe one day, Frank wouldn't need the door anymore.

"It's okay. I got a call from the school. They want to interview me November seventh!" Gerard exclaimed. "Road trip?" He asked. Frank was silent for a while before answering.

"Of course. I'm extremely proud of you, Gerard," he said, a smile felt through the door. They both stayed there for a moment, just leaning their weight against each other despite the door. Gerard smiled because his life was finally looking up. Frank let the tears run down his face as he realizes that Gerard is happy only for it to be ruined tomorrow and possibly ruin his chances of going to college, and if it doesn't then his best friend will be moving away. Right now, there wasn't much positive in his life. Everything around him was becoming suffocating, and he wasn't even sure what he wanted. He felt this feeling of wanting to run away squeezing his mind and planting itself in his heart. Frank looked over to his closet and decided it was time to pull out his guitar again. He swiftly stood and made his way across his room, grabbing the guitar and returning to his seat against the door. He knew Gerard was still there, probably listening to every move he was making. He pulled the guitar in his lap and strummed it, cringing at hearing how out of tune it was. After fixing his strings, he strummed again and smiled at how nice it sounded. It brought him back to when he was a little boy and his father brought this home one day, telling him that he'd probably enjoy it, and he was right. His dad knew him well, which led his mind to ask if whether or not his father cared about how his suicide would affect him. He sighed again before searching his mind for a song he had once learned how to play and leaned his head back in a twisted way of triumph when he remembered one. He strummed it to the tune and opened his mouth to softly sing.

'Sometimes in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow.
But if we are wise,
We know that there's always tomorrow.'

Frank felt Gerard shift against the door through his back and smiled because even if there was a huge possibility that Gerard wouldn't be there for him after tomorrow, he was here now and that was enough for him.

'Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend.
I'll help you carry on,
For it won't be long 'til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on.'

Gerard leaned his head against the door, listening to Frank's raspy voice full of pure emotion. He suddenly felt like he could listen to Frank sing forever, and that was all there was to it. He didn't care about anything else but Frank right now. He was sad when Frank suddenly stopped and then sighed.

"Frank? Please let me come in?" He tried again. Frank thought for a moment before standing to unlock his door. He just wanted to hold Gerard again just in case this was his last chance. He opened the door and looked at Gerard's smiling face. It pained him to know that it would probably disappear soon, but he shook those thoughts away. He pulled the taller man inside and locked the door again. He watched as Gerard put his backpack down before facing him and giving him a shy smile, no doubt proud of himself for getting an interview at the college he wanted to go to. Frank tried to return it but all he was capable of was a twitch of his lips.

"Your singing is good," Gerard said. "I didn't know you played guitar," he noted after a moment. Frank nodded as he sat down on his bed.

"I haven't played in a couple of years though, but I'm planning on getting back into it," Frank explained, gesturing for Gerard to come and sit next to him. Gerard sits and Frank automatically pulls Gerard into his arms and holds him. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Gerard," he said, his voice shaking from tears. He sighed softly in happiness when Gerard's arms wrapped around his waist and hugged Frank back tightly.

"It's okay. I'm not mad anymore," Gerard assured. Frank let his tears out because he wasn't talking about what had already happen, but what is going to happen. Part of him wanted to skip out on following them just so he didn't have to see Gerard break, but he needed to do it for his best friend. They stayed silent, just holding one another. "Thank you for letting me in, by the way," Gerard murmured against Frank's neck, causing him to shiver, his breath softly tickling his skin.

"I'd never leave you out there, Gerard. I can't say that enough," he said, pulling away but keeping Gerard close. Frank and Gerard both realize how close their faces are but say nothing and instead stare into each other's eyes. Gerard glances at Frank's lips, licking his own, before looking back up to his eyes. The act doesn't go unnoticed by Frank, but he decides not to do anything unless Gerard initiates it.

"Frank," Gerard murmured, looking back down at his lips. And as if Frank had angered some God, Gerard wasted no moment in leaning forward and pressing his lips against Frank's in an almost desperate manner. No, Frank thought, not right now. But he couldn't bring himself to pull away. He knew he should, but he was selfish. He'd always been selfish. So rather than pull away, Frank grabbed Gerard by his jaw and pulled him closer, promptly deepening the kiss. Although Gerard was surprised, he couldn't help but push more into Frank, letting a soft moan out.

"Gerard," Frank pulled away. Gerard kissed him again. "Gerard, I'm sorry, but I can't do this right now," he said, pulling away again. Gerard registered what he said and moved his entire body to the other side of the bed, embarrassed of being denied. "No, it's not you, Gerard," Frank said, putting his hand over Gerard's slightly shaking one. He flinches, making Frank frown but keep his hand on his own. "If you still want to do this, us, after tomorrow, then I would absolutely love that. But I want to stop now just in case you don't," he explains.

"How," Gerard clears his throat, "What kind of thing does Ray have to tell me?" He asks, hesitantly. Frank shakes his head, giving him an agonizing look.

"It's not my place to say. I really can't tell you. This is Ray's story; I'm not allowed to tell." Gerard grimaced but nodded in understanding. If Frank couldn't tell him, then it must be serious, but that didn't help to settle his nerves.

"Okay. I don't think anything can change how I feel about you, though," Gerard confessed, a soft blush painting his cheeks. Frank wanted to scream and cry and hit things because that's what he's been wanting to hear come out of Gerard's mouth for what seems like an eternity and he can't even respond to it. He can't tell him his actual feelings for the fear of being rejected afterwards haunting him. Gerard wouldn't want him after he knew that Frank knew for almost a month about his brother's reason for leaving him. He'd be disgusted that Frank still held him close and allowed himself to develop feelings for Gerard in the first place.

Instead of replaying, he decided to hug Gerard again, hoping to pass his feelings through to the other man without having to verbally respond. Thankfully, the older teen hugged him back tightly and left it at that. When Gerard left his room that night, his smile was big, but Frank knew it wouldn't last long on his face. He'd spoken to Ray earlier and talked him out of backing out, so everything that had been planned was being followed through. There was no going back. This was it, Frank thought to himself.

After Gerard left, Frank called his mother to his room and she rushed over, glad he was speaking and taking guests in his room.

"Everything okay, Frank?" She asked. He gave her the twitch of his lips, all he was giving away right now before opening his mouth.

"I need a favor, mom," he said. He gestured for him to continue. "Gerard has an interview in New York for an Art school on the seventh of November. He asked me for a ride, but after tomorrow, I don't think he'll want to speak with me again for a long time, if not at all. So I was wondering if you'd take him. He feels at ease with you. I know it's a lot to ask, but would you be okay with taking him?" he asked, his voice hardly above a whisper, sounding defeated and void of any happiness.

"What's going on, Frank? I'm all for giving you your space, but this sounds serious. Can you explain what's going on to me?" She asked, hoping to get some kind of information out him involving the other boy. It was obvious to her that they both held feelings for one another and Gerard had seemed eager for something to happen between the two and while she was positive Frank adored him, she wondered why he was pulling back. It hurt her to see her son in so much pain and not able to do anything about it. The most she could do was offer a listening ear.

"Remember when he told you his brother took his own life?" She nodded. "For a while now, he has been looking for the reason and he asked me to help and I sort of offered." She nodded again, watching as he twiddled with his hands from nerves. "Well, I know what happened and I talked to the person who was involved with Mikey personally and kind of romantically and I talked him into telling Gerard, but I put the date for their talk way back from when I found out," he explained.

"How long ago did you find out, sweetie?" She asked, taking a seat on his bed next to him and holding his hand, stroking the back of it with her thumb.

"Remember the day he and I came home with a huge bag of sweets?" Her eyes widened.

"That long ago?" Frank nodded, feeling ashamed of himself even more now that he's said it out loud. She hugged him tightly. "Why did you wait so long?"

"It wasn't my place to tell him. I was waiting for when Ray was ready on his own and that turned out to be the day we took the placement test. You know how hard Gerard studied for it. I wanted him to be happy for a little bit before he found out. I decided to set the date for Halloween because I didn't want him to ask me to come along. I know that sounds bad, mom, but I was planning on following them into the café and everything," he said, hardly taking a breath and feeling guiltier than ever.

"Frank, you shouldn't feel bad, okay? You did nothing wrong, you're just looking out for a friend and I'm sure Gerard will understand that," she said, trying to soothe him. "I'll take him to his interview if things go badly, okay? That's a promise." Frank loved his mom dearly and was happy that she hadn't let her husband's suicide affect her as much as Frank had. He was positive she was paranoid that maybe John would do the same, but after Helena was born, he knew she was paranoid no longer. His mother was the strongest person he knew. He was proud to be her son.