the model

thirty three

I slowly lowered the note down, away from my face. A million emotions filled my heart. I felt the warmth seep in from my fondness over the letter, the heat rise to my cheeks from slight embarrassment, the sensation from the hairs on my arms sticking up from the sorrow I felt radiating off of the words from his letter. I felt the lump in my throat gradually getting bigger. 

"God, damn it!" I yelled, throwing the paper on the floor. I dug my face into the cushions of my couch while I felt Natalie shift on the other side. She's probably picking it up. 

The lump in my throat quickly grew into a ball. Blocking my air way until I gave into crying. I let it all out. The tears came out one after the other as soon as the first tear fell. I felt my nose immediately become runny; every two seconds I sniffled. My bottom lip was quivering so bad that I had to press the pillow against it to get it to stop. 

I felt the arms of my best friend wrap around me. I heard her voice shushing me and telling me that it's okay, that I'll be okay. As much as I wanted to believe her, I just couldn't. I couldn't believe that everything would be okay with me or with Louis. 

The letter held so much information in it and I didn't know how take it. He admitted that he had feelings for me which caused him to act the way he did. But even though he wants to be nice, it's a 'reflex' for him to be mean to me. 

I like Louis but I can't handle him constantly being mean. I want to forgive him. I want to go to his house and walk in and right up to him and just kiss him. I want to feel his warm, delicate lips against mine. The forceful pressure of his want for me being displayed through the kiss. I want to feel his hands on me. I want to feel the energy that he only gives me with a single stare or touch.  I want him to hold me, hug me, comfort me and tell me that he's sorry and that he'll never do it again. That everything will change for the better. 

But he won't. 

With everything I want from him, I see something that wouldn't make it possible. I imagine Louis being sweet to me, but it's disrupted with him being angry with me over little things. I imagine Louis holding my hand in public, but I also see him letting it go as soon as a friend appears. I see him wanting to change for the better, but he reverts back to his old ways. I just can't see a future with him. 

By now I was all out of tears. My body was still crying. My breathing was still labored, my lips were still shaking, and my nose was still running. And I still wanted to cry. I wanted to cry despite the tears not being there. I wanted to cry to let out the hurt that I've been feeling. I want to cry for Louis. 

After a few minutes, I lifted my self up and tried to stop. I looked at Natalie who had the most heartbroken face I've seen. "I want to help," she whispered, "but I know I can't do anything. I don't like the feeling of being useless when it comes to you." 

As if a bulb was instantly turned on above her head, "I know!" she raised her voice. "I'm going to buy chocolate and chips and get the ultimate chick flicks." She grabbed her purse and ran out of the door. I shook my head at her while she walked out. 

After the door slammed shut, I took a few moments to gather myself. I rose from the couch, picked up the letter, and walked to the kitchen. Sipping on water, I heard a knock on the door. I lowered the glass and became very quiet. Listening. 

I didn't hear any voice or any shuffling. I heard another knock. I lightly walked over to the door and peaked out the peep hole. It was the florist. I quickly wiped away at my eyes and nose in case there was anything there and opened the door. "Hey, d- oh, my God. Are you okay?" He asked.

I nodded my head and let out a light laugh. "I'm fine." I offered a small smile, he barely returned it. "I got you a flower today. Want it?" He held it out.