It used to be Simple | ft.Cole Sprouse

Why everything is always late

So I realise that people are very much interested in my writing which is overwhelming and very hard to take in. I have started this a few months ago, July, perhaps, I can't remember, and since then so much has happened. I thought this was a way to satisfy my brain for when I felt I wrote something another stranger would appreciate reading.

I originally got this account for actual reading, which is such a weird thing to look back on, since now 2 and a half thousand people are reading. I never thought this would be a way to get people genuinely, truly intrigued with whatever bizarre words I was typing into my keyboard to create a storyline.

At first, yes, I was absolute crap. And I still am, but just a little better. I'm still learning within reflecting on my own work, school ,reading stories on this website and reading physical books I have at home. It's strange how this happened top quickly.

I always thought these things took years. I thought this would take 8 months to get to one thousand. But, in the span of three months, I have two and a half. How... mind-blowing is that?

This is, I guess, my way of giving a massive, massive thanks and explaining why my updates aren't scheduled or, for that matter, always take a long damn time to arrive.

Firstly, yeah I have school, normal excuse, shouldn't be one in the first place; if anything, it should give me more tips and tricks to add to my own works. Which, yeah, it very often does. My biggest, most obvious problem isn't procrastination, which is still one of them but not the main one, but rather it is my personal issues and not enough motivation.

This, by the way, is quite a personal chapter which I wanted to do for a while but no point in starting an online diary so, ugh, a chapter will do. (Hope you're not mad)

I am trying to beat this huge, drowning feeling of sadness. My friends call it depression but that's a heavy term and I'm too scared to go to a therapist to actually find out if it is or isn't. Anyway, it's very occasional in my life. Mostly school days, where I find my shoulders drop and my insides shrink.

Perhaps it's my ongoing, self-depriving thoughts that I can't get rid of and instead let hover above me, a big, black neon sign for everyone to know it's my normal, sad day.

But I've found being away from school, from its stress, its friends which aren't friends at all, it's stupid tests and it's weird bubble that I feel trapped in, I feel better. Without all that, an idiot could see, I can be happy on my own and I don't need to force it. It takes work, obviously, I've dealt with this, "depression," for a year and four months now, just now I've decided I'm the only person who can help me.

So I'm buying candles, plants, making blogs, taking pictures, reading books, carving pumpkins, singing loudly, taking forever to do my makeup, trying to lose weight and balancing a diet. Not all are as successful as the rest, for example, the weight thing is difficult. Motivation Is still low, but I'm forcing myself to go out, to be alone, to not get anxious and if and when I do, I accept it. I have a private diary for all my worst thoughts, which are, sadly, updated weekly since I had new ones flooding in frequently.

But overall, I try to look away from my phone and go outside and do something with my younger years and look at the positive things of what I have, which sounds weird and somewhat cliché but when you genuinely try it, it's so good.

That's why I'm learning and taking my time to write instead of forcing it out and making it all shitty. The two and a half thousand pairs of eyes scanning my pages stress me out because that's an insane number for three months. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy, I'm so happy, but I also feel the need to impress all these people, yet I can't find a way how to because I don't have many constructive criticism comments.

I lose motivation because nobody ever comments, nobody ever lets me know they want me to continue and it's so draining because I feel like what I'm doing isn't good enough and makes people leave so easily. I have gotten a few comments, and the weight that fell of my shoulders was indescribable. I'm so very thankful for them. Private messages; I don't get but it's an option if you're shy. I'm not here for fame or popularity, which sounds weird but its truthful, I'm here to learn and build my skills for no reason other than a weird and an inconstant hobby.

I share a little bit of my personal life on here (not too much so my friends don't find me lmao)

I appreciate everything and very well can't get my head around this, as much as I wish I could. I'm like a robot, I require feedback to work otherwise I run slower and slower until I shut down, which I don't want to happen. (I'm losing the plot on this hang on lol)

I just want to say, I have my head focused on my own happiness, which might be selfish but I need it after a year and a half, so please, bear with me. Also, FEEDBACK, PLZ!

Okay that's

It

thanks love u

(maybe i'll delete this later)