I Will Find You Again

Chapter nine

"Livia, don't even suggest that," I yelled.
"But you push me away, you don't love me like you say," she said, hiccuping, "I.....don't.....understand..why..you..hate..me."
I grabbed the bottle from her, taking the paper and pen as well, setting it aside. Inhaling deeply I said, "Why can't you just accept that I want to protect you?"
"Why can't you just accept that I want to be with you? Oh that's right, you're scared. Well guess what so am I. I'm scared that this is our last chance to be together. If we don't get another chance I don't want us to spend it apart. Don't you? If this is truly as you think our last chance, can you really validate pushing me away?"

I didn't answer her that night, I just carried her bags upstairs, putting her things in my room. Allowing her to stay close to me. She laid nestled into me, her arms wrapped tightly around me. Sleep didn't come easy that night or the nights following. One night I came into the living room after finishing up at the office, and found her laying on the couch in that little Victoria Secrets number clinging to her body. God knows what the hell she was doing then. After that night I made her wear one of my t-shirts to cover up with. I looked at her and said, "I think we're going to have to establish some rules around here, because you obviously aren't catching onto the fact that I'm not going to budge on this."
She just shrugged her shoulders at me and continued to scroll through her phone. "Whatever you say boss."
"So its boss now huh? Not Roman, Daddy, love."
"Why would I call you any of those things? We're not together according to you."
"Don't play games with me, I'm not in the mood. I'm sick of this crap with you."
She turned away from me, "Feelings mutual," I heard her mutter.
"Let me ask you, if this was reversed, what would you do?"
She opened her mouth to speak, but shook her head at me before saying, "I at least wouldn't shut you out."
"Yeah sure, that's really what I'm doing."
"Fuck you, how many times over the last three weeks have you shut me out. You barely talk to me, except to yell at me for what I'm wearing, who I'm talking to, fuck you even yelled at me when I went to see Linda and Vince the other day. So shut the fuck up and stop saying your not shutting me out. That is exactly what you're doing."
She stood, brushing past me, "You never know what you had until it's gone," she whispered as she went past.
"Livia, wait."
"What?" She said, turning her arms folding across her chest, her eyes hardened.
I held my hands up in surrender, "You're right," she looked at me warily, "you have every right to be mad at me, it's just I don't want to see you get hurt or die, or any of that kind of stuff. I love you too damn much."
"But that's just the thing, everything you said and did was hurting me."
"I know, and I'm sorry, but if you're going to stay here, please don't dress like this."
She rolled her eyes, turning and walking away from me. When I went up to my room, she was laying facedown, crying, I sat down beside her, pulling her up and onto my lap, she buried her face into my chest. "Livia, I'm right here baby, you have no idea how much I hate this."
Her arms tightened around me, "I can't take this anymore," I said to her, "I can't keep pushing you away."
Her head shot up, her eyes locking with mine, "Besides, you wearing this does not help matters," I said, licking my lips.
"You're not playing with me on this are you?" She said peering up at me.
My hand slid under the hem of the lingerie she was wearing, "Trust me, I'm not fucking joking on this."
She squirmed under my touch, her head lolling back against my chest, my arm wrapping around her waist, "Livia," I whispered huskily into her ear, hearing her sharp intake of breath. "Do you have any idea how much I want to fuck you?"
"No," she replied, her hand gripping my arm, as her other wound into my hair.
"But it's still not going to happen, I can't Livia, I just can't bring myself to love you and then lose you."
She pushed off of me, standing in front of me, I could see her heart shatter before my very eyes. Before I could move, she bolted out of the room. I heard the front door slam shut. Shit, I thought, she was right, you never know what you had until it's gone.