Climbing The Steps Of Adulthood

Chapter 12: Am I?

So I've been thinking lately you know.
And I'm starting to wonder if I'm a disappointment to my dad.

I never thought that I would be but it sure feels like it.
Its been hard to secure a job in this economy mostly because majority of the places I applied to want persons with a whole lot of experience or persons with degrees and also they don't have any vacancies or so they say.

I mean people who usually spend a long time in highschool as I did usually excel to college.

Not that it wasn't a dream of mine it is.. Still is hopefully.

I did two years of sixth form and I think majority of the persons who are familiar with me kinda expected me to go to college but will they help me throughout it?.

Nope nope they won't.

Expect the unexpected I guess.

So I applied to a college in a different country because they have more opportunities there I would meet new people of different backgrounds, discover you know I wanted exposure. Something I don't really have in Plaxton and I don't know if its because I come from a small town where everyone watches everyone because there's not much to do.

All they do is watch and judge one of the many reasons why I wanted to say sayonara to this place.

But I think me being here, I may  be I don't know shaming my family? Because I should be in college and I'm not?.

My grandmother-my dads mother that is she keeps a comparing me to other kids with different backgrounds of family lately and to say its pissing me off would be an understatement. I'm a pinch from telling her to screw off that she's lived her life already.

So college fees are very hefty especially for persons who aren't financially stable or come from a wealthy background.

I wasn't born into money or whatever but before I die I vow to be successful make my name in history, i know I know it's a little far fetched but what's a life without having aiming for something better than what you got?.

I got accepted to the college in New York.
I even got a scholarship and I don't know it felt like I didn't have the push I needed to get there.

So I need like bank statements and stuff like that.
My gave his and my aunt- Brenda gave hers as well but every time I feel like I've reached the finish line it got raised higher.

I'm a pessimist.
I know I am.
But id like to call it being realistic.

I'm not afraid to say I'm a pessimist there's no doubt about who  and what I am.

But when you  keep on hoping for something or someone promises you something or you're constantly let down you end up stop expecting thing on a positive note because lets face it if you've ever been let down by someone or something it's not a good feeling.

So to say I was kinda doubtful I'd go to college there I had a smidge of hope that it would indeed happen you know because my family would back me right?.

No.

So its kinda like this my mothers side of family would be saying to other people when asked what am I doing next year " oh she's going to college, yeah yeah her family on the other side will be paying for it"

Then my father a side of family would be saying "oh her mothers side of family will be paying for it".

So you see where I'm coming from? They wouldn't come together to say let's pay for it together but they find pleasure in saying she's going to college.

It will be left on my Dad and I couldn't put him through that he'd be in debt and I will be the cause.

Sigh.
Lately he's been bringing up a college in my area.
But whats the point oof going to college if youll still be in the same environment?.

He and his mother have been calling me annoying the shyt out of me.

Apply apply apply apply.

I deferred from the one I wanted to go.
But they fail to acknowledge that.

I keep on hearing about whose going where and whose doing this and what I should do.

But shouldn't I be able to steer the wheel in my own life? Shouldn't I be pressing the gas?.

If I could pay for it on my own I would.

Now imagine my surprise when my grandmother calls me telling me that she called her nephew and told him about my predicament .

Yes predicament.

He should help me get into college and what not.

I should call him.

Like?????

What the triple flying FCK?

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Being unemployed sucks especially when your family makes it seem like your no longer relevant, your a disappointment and your wasting away.

Imagine how I feel?,
But do they care nope nope nope nope.
All they care about is the fact that rosy has gone to college and is doing well, or Joe got a job there, and he got a scholarship to whatever!.

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Dypshyts.