Let's Go For A Pint (Vampire/Humor)

5.4 He Can't Do Anything Right

 So what is a familiar? If my Latin is right, it shares the same root as "family". They're someone or something part of your household, specifically servants or slaves. Well, if one counted slaves as part of the clan. Witches and vampires at some point were culturally linked so the practice of taking a familiar, in the vampire's sense of things, originated from that.

With the lot of vampires avoiding daylight or human contact, especially if the social anxiety is strong, having a familiar is a must. They may be in an unfamiliar territory and need assistance in adjusting to modern times. If someone's not up to date from hibernation, it'll definitely take multiple familiars to explain what the Hell a Keureg machine is and why human blood tastes different. When electricity became a household thing, I was scared as fuck of it, though I didn't have a familiar to explain it. I came to terms with it without one within a year. In short, a familiar takes care of things I can't, as well as tries to teach you to evolve along with human society.

As for Draven, I gave him the basic tasks of diverting attention, finding food, and figuring out what's been bugging Carmen. He did a good job at it I must say. A good job at screwing things up.

First were the religious radicals. While they went door-to-door earlier in the week, the street preaching occurred on a near daily basis. They ranged from the pro-birthers with their graphic, inaccurate depictions of aborted foeti, to the innocent, indoctrinated child who handed out pocket-sized comic books. Whoever approached me into joining their cause or dared to say hi got a pounding from Draven. By pounding, he had their underwear pulled up and hung from high places. I guess that's what he meant by wedgies when he drafted me his plans. And of course the usual pranks of knocking things over and trash magically flying into their faces. This drew their conclusion that I was a witch or possessed by the Devil himself if the Devil has a gender so to say. Hell, some of these religious radicals tried to follow me home which led to the next thing.

The second blunder had to be getting fresh blood. With Draven pissing off a bunch of the radicals, his antics drew their attention my way. He knew he had to either scare them away or kill them. The former sometimes led to the latter. Humans would get hit by cars or fall off buildings. It was only three, semi-intentional murders, but enough to generate a report on page six of Metropolis Daily. While humans dying weren't a major concern, how they died and what happened after was. Having someone forcefully thrown onto the pavement made a mess. A waste of blood it was. By the time I arrived to feed from these bodies, Draven wrecked the first, paramedics carried away the second, and some carnivorous shapeshifter drained all the good stuff from the third. When it comes to the good stuff, I should be the one to take it. Fuck sharing! It's all mine!

Where was I?

The third blunder was having him spy on Carmen, but he wasn't that great of a spy. She neither could see nor hear him, but if he made a sudden move, she would jump or scream (combining both at times), then turn to the bottle. A gust of wind closing the door was enough to make her believe he did it.

"Look, Lena. I don't care you're making up for a past mistake, but Draven can't stay in the apartment." Carmen appeared stressed with dark shadows under her eyes and wrinkles forming. Oh crow's feet!

"Give him one more day, Carmen. One more day and then I'll get someone to make sure he crosses over."

"I can't last one more millisecond with him! I don't know if he's watching me take a shower and jerking off to it, or if he's raping me while I sleep. Or–"

"Hey! I don't do that," Draven said from his home in the vase.

"He doesn't do that," I relayed to Carmen.

"Well, I don't want him here! It's either he goes, or you go. You've been a great roommate Lena, but I just can't!" She let out a growl and slammed her door.

I said nothing to Carmen after and immediately searched for ways to rid a ghost as quick as possible. Sure I could've destroyed the vase, but Draven wasn't attached to it. If I'd left, he would've followed me. As I was searching, he was looking over my shoulder.

"Oh come on! You can't get rid of me just yet!"

"So far you have failed to do what I've asked. For someone willing to do everything and anything for me you can't get it right."

"Maybe you should have been more specific."

I turned around and faced him. "How specific?"

"You know those wish stories? When someone wishes for something, they state what they want with no specifics. Someone wishes to become rich and they become rich from a job that contradicts their morals. Someone wishes to become famous and they become notorious. Someone wishes for turkey on rye bread—"

"Yeah, I get it! I need space, and so does Carmen. You've done enough for the day."

"So, what should I do now, Mistress?"

I leaned a bit into my chair. "Just go. Do whatever you wish but not here and don't get us involved."

Draven hung his head low. "If that's what you wish, Mistress." Before he faded away, he suggested, "There's a ClickBuzz quiz on what animal you should transform into if you want to kill some time."

I grabbed a pencil off my desk and threw it at him while he dissipated.

That was it. He left. Finally, some peace and quiet. Hedid make a point of specifying when asking for something. People want thingsdone and over with. They don't take time to explain what they need exactly whetherit's a wish, or to get someone off their back. Like I did to Draven. It was oneof those moments where I should feel guilty shooing him away. Fat chance! I gotrid of him. It might have not been forgood, but he was gone. After I madesure he didn't reappear all of a sudden, I resumed my internet browsing.

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Draven is just trying to help, Lena. Instead of being mean to him, be a bit more understanding. Then again, there are people who test our patience anyway, whether we're willing to help them or not.

No interactive question, but you know the drill by now: vote, comment, share, all that jazz (if you're into it).

Song featured: "Atmosphere" by Joy Division

Edited: 03/08/2018