Let's Go For A Pint (Vampire/Humor)

7.1 This Calls For A Blood Lite

Translation notes can be found at the end

Another semester at the university was approaching. A new semester meant new people not only for the student body but also among the staff. Sadly, I was "laid off" from my job at payroll and replaced by a much younger, yet inefficient human who appeared closer to retirement age. What better way for me to celebrate my frustrations than by having a drink at Talia's. So I ordered my usual blood cocktail at the bar. The moment I took a sip I immediately noticed something was off — my cocktail wasn't coagulated.

"Hey, um–" I looked at the bartender's name tag and oddly enough his name was Bart Ender. Okay, it was spelled as Б-А-Р-Т Э-Н-Д-Е-Р, but that's because I can read Cyrillic. "Hey, um, Bartender?"

The bartender stopped drying off a martini glass with a towel. "Chto ty hochesh?"

After turning my head to the side to sneeze, I pointed at my drink." There's something wrong with my cocktail."

He furrowed his brow and said, "U nas net krovei."

I have no idea why Talia hired a bartender who barely speaks or understands English. If I did, he'd get his own story. "Kakvo?"

He took out a 4-litre bottle and placed it on the bar. The label on it: Blood Lite. Blood Lite is a substitute created for vampires who had trouble taking in whole blood, the most common being white blood cell intolerance.

"Well, why are you using that? Don't you have someone who can change ordinary tap water into blood that's not fake?"

He gave me a blank stare. While I could understand a decent amount of Russian, he wasn't so good with Bulgarian. "Talia! Talia!"

Talia entered the tavern from the kitchen, slightly annoyed. "Not another customer complaining about the cocktails again," she muttered while entering the bar.

"Ya ne ponimayu yeyo vopros."

She looked at me then calmed down. "Sorry. Our blood supply has been cut short. If you're okay with non-human sources, I'll offer you a discount on all cocktails with it. Now, what was your question?"

"Do you know anyone who can change tap water into blood? Blood Lite tastes stale and lifeless."

"Besides Moses?" She shook her head. "Transliquimutation is not easy, and it takes about ten years to master the easiest one."

"Turning water into wine?"

"Turning coffee into Coca-Cola and vice versa. It used to be water to wine at some point though. Other than Moses, there is a guy I know who can turn water into blood. He taught me how to do it, but I haven't perfected it. It only lasts a short time."

"If it's long enough for me to drink it in that state, I'll try it."

Talia sighed as she gathered a highball glass and some ingredients. After mixing the ingredients in water in the glass, she put the mixture down in front of me. She put her left index finger on the side of the glass. After saying something in Portuguese, the liquid turned red. Blood red. "Here you go."

I picked up the glass and took a big sip. By the time I sampled the concoction, it didn't taste like blood. After spraying out whatever that shit was, I noticed the contents turned greenish-brown. "This tastes like something died in it."

"The last person who tried it said the same thing. If I can perfect it, I can make a lot of money off vampire customers." She took the glass of diarrhea away and gave me a fresh one with tomato juice.

Just as I was about to take a sip, a man wearing a business suit approached. "Hey, could you turn the volume up on the TV?"

Talia yelled at Bartender, "Chuvak, sdelai pogromche!"

"Da, konechno!"

Seconds later, the news report on TV replaced the music in the tavern. A breaking news report on a blood bank blown up. Some idiots made a pipe bomb and let it detonate in there. The motive behind it was strange. While blood services has a blanket ban on gay men, blowing up a blood bank wouldn't make them get rid of it faster. Possible that wasn't the actual motive, but it was the first one that popped into my mind.

Bartender shook his head.

"This is bad news," Talia said with a sombre tone. "Vampires are already fed up that we have a low blood supply, they'll want to tear down the place when I mark up the prices."

"You're not really considering that, are you?" Business Suit asked.

"If you can afford that suit you can afford my drinks."

"How am I supposed to get my fix? Hunt for rats? I'm not getting my suits dirty just to get a meal."

"Then don't hunt in a suit," I told the guy off. "You call yourself a vampire and yet you can't hunt for your own food."

"And what are you doing here sitting around a bar? Waiting for someone to form a hunting party?" He rubbed his fingers through his hair then proposed, "Maybe we can, you know, go together? You lure the prey and I'll slit their throat."

Fuck no. There was nofucking way I'd let him impress me or do the dirty work. That smug expressionhad to be wiped off his face and the solution, pun intended, was behind thebar. I grabbed the glass of sludge and threw it at Business Suit. "I justlost my appetite." So after paying for the Blood Lite cocktail initially ordered,I hopped off the stool and left the tavern.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Fun language notes:

- Chto ty hochesh'? (что ты хочешь?) --> "What do you want ?"(Lena's a regular enough that Bartender doesn't use the formal vy (вы) with her) 
- U nas nyet krovei (У нас нет кровей) --> "We don't have any blood"

- Kakvo (какво) --> Bulgarian for what 

- Ya ne ponimayu yeyo vopros (Я не понимаю её вопрос) --> "I don't understand her question"

- Chuvak, sdelai pogromche! (Чувак, сделай погромче!) --> Best I can say is "Hey buddy, make it louder!"

- Da konechno! (Да конечно!) --> "Of course!"

Business suit, why you got to be a jerk? If you can afford the dry cleaning for your suit you can afford Talia's drinks at the bar. Interactive question for the chapter: can you identify the references with the drink specials? Hopefully the image is visible.

And you know the drill: vote, share, comment. Comments are always welcome.

Edited: 03/05/2020