Amnesia

C3: Lost

When Steve came out of his room in the morning, he looked like he'd been hit by a train. His eyes dropped from no sleep and his hair was a mess. He walked around in the kitchen, pulling out a cup from a cabinet, and rubbing his face before he filled it with water from the sink.

"You alright?" I asked from the couch.

He jumped in shock and looked back at me.

"Oh hey Buck I didn't know you were up..." he replied with a smile.

It was a smile, but it wasn't one of happiness. It was one of 'don't worry about it.'

"Steve you didn't answer my question. You look like you went to go play in traffic last night."

"Uh yeah I'm fine. I'm fine."

"Was it me? I'm sorry for waking you, I can't control it." I whispered.

"Oh god no, I was awake before you started yelling."

"Oh." Was the only word I could find to say. Just 'oh.'

For once, something wasn't my fault. But I still felt guilty.

He set the cup down on the counter and looked up at the ceiling with his eyes closed. I've never seen him like this, but I also haven't seen much of him in more than 50 years.

"Want to ummm... take a walk?" I whispered.

"Yeah." He mumbled, grabbing a blue jacket from a chair and throwing it over his arms.

************

The sun was bright and warm, balancing the temperature of the cool wind blowing on our faces, as we walked down the sidewalk of chaos and busy street vendors.

Hundreds of people walked by us everyday, and no one ever noticed... we just fit in. It was nice.

I looked over to Steve with his sunglasses on, seeing a reflection of myself when he looked back to me. I couldn't see his eyes, but I could tell by the look on his face something was weighing down on him.

I squinted my eyes and opened my mouth to speak, but he started talking before I could say a thing.

"Did you know that I never stopped dreaming about you?" He mumbled.

"What?" I replied.

"Well it wasn't so much dreams, more like nightmares... I never stopped watching you die. Every night since you fell off that stupid train, I saw you... falling in pain with that same look on your face reminding me of how I could've saved you..."

"Steve you tried... there was nothing you could've done."

He shook his head and kept talking, avoiding my comment.

"I had that same dream over and over, even when I came out of the ice, it still haunted me... and then I saw you... I saw you deranged and confused on that bridge after I said your name... I mean why wouldn't you be?! You were trying to kill me."

"I'm sorry." I whispered.

He grabbed my shoulder as we kept walking.

"You don't have to apologize for Hydra. Ever Bucky. But that's not the point... I'm not trying to make you feel bad."

He let go and looked down again.

"I saw you and everything I had been thinking about, every tactic in my mind telling me to fight, every person telling me you were bad, they were all gone. All I saw was James Buchanan Barnes, the only person in the world I cared about besides mom and Peggy."

I looked down at my feet, watching as the black Nikes I found in Steve's closet moved in rhythm with our feet.

"You fought me on that helicarrier, but I couldn't fight back. The man that haunted my dreams was alive... you were alive Bucky, I couldn't think about anything else."

I cringed thinking of what I did to him before I remembered who he was. He was going off of nine little words to bring me back to my senses, nine words that actually worked, nine words that saved his life:

I'm with you till the end of the line.

"Now everyday I wake up and see you... and it's a miracle. It never actually sank in until this morning. I have you back and it's amazing. I couldn't sleep last night because I thought if I did, you'd disappear and I would be back to wishing we had never gone on that train."

"I'm not the Bucky you remember Steve."

"It's okay. I know. I don't care. To have you back at all... I... It'll getter better Buck, okay? I'll help you... it'll be better." He said with such confidence that I actually believed him.

"So really that's it?"

"Yeah. I... Yeah that's it." He whispered.

"I was worried for nothing." I mumbled into the wind.

He smiled and looked over at me.

"I'm going to help you, I promise. If it's the last thing I do."