Amnesia

C25: Life

It's been a week since I attacked Steve. His bruises went away within the same day, as to expected from a super solider, but the emotional damage it left on me never did.

I still think everyday that I have the possibility of killing my Stevie and it scares the living daylight out of me. Every night I'm scared to go to sleep in fear that I might wake up a different person.

Some days I think he would be better off without me...

Some days I think everyone would be better off without me.

But then somehow, I see his beaming little smile when he leans over to kiss me, and all those thoughts wash away almost as fast as they drowned my consciousness.

He's amazing in that way. He brings me up from my darkest depths and cradles me in the light. He takes away my sadness and transforms it into beautiful energy. He reminds me that there is something worth living for. In fact... he's saved my life.

And not even in the literal way, although he's done that too, he's my metaphorical lifesaver.

I'm surprised I even knew what a metaphor was. Must've learned it in high school, it definitely wouldn't have been after.

I never did get to go to college like I had hoped. Steve and I had dreams once of what we would become. He would be a firefighter, or a policeman, which ever one actually hired him he would say. And then I would go into a physical science field, working along side Howard Stark to create wonders the world have never seen. But that was all in the past. Now we're just a couple of jacked up dudes, way past their prime, trying to make it in the real world, and the man I once dreamed of working with is dead, thanks to me.

Life is messed up.

I realize that now.

Natasha's on the run for trying to save children. Steve's on the run for protecting his morales. And I was allowed to be tormented and brainwashed into a super soldier at the enemy's disposal, which has now caused me to be on the run too from just about every body.

The world sucks.

Sometimes I wondered why it was me... why it wasn't some other unlucky soldier in the 107th. Why it wasn't some Hydra agent, or Russian kid begging to be part of their unworthy cause. Why it wasn't Zola that Steve had killed.

Maybe if it was, I would've just died. Maybe that would've been better. Maybe Steve could've had peace knowing that I died the same Bucky he remembered. But it didn't work out like that because like I said before... the world sucks.

It didn't used to.