In Your Dreams // phan

t w o

I saw the pile of books teetering but by then it was already too late to stop them. Instead I fumbled helplessly as they rained down upon the poor boy sat next to them. Fuck.

With heated cheeks I mumbled an apology and quickly got to work at restacking the books, trying to avoid eye contact. The pile was messy but I didn't have time to fuss over it.

I didn't interact with other people. I avoided it at all costs. In fact, the library was one of the few places that I allowed myself to visit. One of the only bright spots in my reclusive existence. It was easy to get away with my antisocial tendencies in a place where noise was frowned upon.

Which was why I started panicking a little bit when I clumsily bumped into the boy's pile of books. I couldn't just walk away. I had to stay and apologise and clean up my mess. Which put me at risk of social interaction.

My breathing became shallower as my heart rate picked up. Just stack them and go. Do it now, do it fast. As I placed the last book on top and checked that I still had my own book with me, I spun on my heel and made to walk quickly away.

"Hey, wait!" I heard the boy call out to me. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before turning back around to face him. He'd said it was fine but in that split second I convinced myself that he was secretly mad at me, and fully expected him to yell at me for being so careless.

Instead he simply nodded at the book under my arm. "Nicholas Sparks. You have good taste," he said smiling and sweeping his black fringe out of his eyes.

Relieved that he wasn't yelling but still desperate to leave as soon as possible, I swallowed nervously before answering. "Thanks," I murmured.

"My name's Phil. What's yours?" My heart sunk. It was too late. I'd officially met a new person. Although it was a one in a million chance that this stranger was my soulmate I was still annoyed at myself. I was committed to my resolution of avoiding my soulmate and had been taking every precaution there was to stick to it. But I had just slipped up big time.

There was no backpedalling now. "Dan," I replied, dejectedly.

Phil smiled even wider at my name. "Dan," he repeated, as if experimenting with the word on his tongue. "Are you a hopeless romantic too, Dan?"

I glanced down at the book under my arm, a romance novel of all things, and shook my head. Far from it. Phil furrowed his brows together in confusion. "Then why the book?"

I shrugged. "I like to read. I'll read anything, really." I could hear the shakiness in my voice, and prayed with all my might that it wasn't as obvious to Phil as it was to me.

Phil nodded, his blue eyes lighting up. "Me too. But romance is by far my favourite." I was unsure as to what to say next. I was wildly inexperienced at making conversation. "Are you just going to stand there, or are you going to sit down and join me?" Phil asked with a slight laugh.

I genuinely considered his offer for a moment. Though it made me a little nervous, it seemed oddly appealing. Perhaps it was because the only people I really talked to were my parents. It was a rather lonely existence and to be honest, I despised it. I only put up with it because I couldn't risk meeting new people. But now I'd met Phil, and there was nothing I could do to undo that. Might as well throw caution to the wind.

I mentally gauged my emotional state first to see if I could handle the interaction without freaking out. I was getting better at predicting anxiety attacks. Some still hit me out of the blue but for the most part I knew my body well enough to accurately read the signs.

After deciding that I might be okay, I slipped into the chair opposite him and waited for him to talk first. I didn't have to wait long though, as Phil seemed perfectly at ease talking to new people.

"So are you still in school?" he asked me.

You'd think it'd be a simple question with a simple yes or no answer. But it wasn't for me. Technically, yes, I was still in school. But whether or not I actually attended was another matter entirely. I decided to go with an easy answer and nodded my head. "Cool. Me too," Phil said enthusiastically. "What school?"

"St Peter's," I said, face growing warmer. Again, I technically wasn't lying. I was enrolled at St Peter's... I just didn't actually attend St Peter's. But Phil didn't need to know that part.

"Same! Are you new? I've never seen you around." Well, shit. There goes that idea.

"No, I've been going there for years," I mumbled embarrassed, "I just... my attendance isn't that great." I didn't elaborate and I didn't want to elaborate, but who wouldn't pry further when given such a vague answer?

Phil, that's who. He smiled sadly at me. "Well hopefully I'll see you next semester?" was all he asked. Perhaps he picked up on my unease and that's why he chose not to question me further.

I smiled gratefully back in return. "Yeah, maybe." I mean, probably not, but it was definitely a possibility.

Phil was extremely easy to talk to I found. He was a natural conversationalist, more than making up for my inexperience. He was so calm and casual that I felt myself start to relax too.

It was the first time in a long time that I had had a real conversation with someone. I'd almost forgotten what that was like. These past few years I had locked myself away from the rest of the world. I used my anxiety as the excuse but that was only part of it. No one knew that the real reason for my solitude was to avoid my soulmate.

The time flew by and before I knew it the library was closing. "Sorry if this is too forward, but could I have your number?" Phil asked me hesitantly. "You know, just in case I don't see you at school. I'd really like to hang out again sometime."

I tried to hide the smile attempting to creep its way onto my face. "Sure," I said, picking up his pen and jotting down my number on his bit of scrap paper.

Phil grinned down at the sheet as I wrote, staring at it as if it had just been promoted to his most prized possession. "That's a 6, not an 8," I pointed out when I'd finished. "Sorry I smudged it. Left handedness... the struggle is real."

Phil laughed and I couldn't help feeling a little proud of myself for making him laugh. "See you around then?"

I smiled. "Yeah. Sounds good." And the smile stayed plastered to my face the whole way home.

I felt like I should have been more concerned. The ease with which Phil and I got along should have set the alarm bells off in my head. There was a very, very real possibility that I could have just met my soulmate.

But oddly enough, for the time being, I wasn't all that concerned about it. I was still on a high from my encounter with Phil. Too excited for when I'd next see him again. For the first time in a long time I felt happy. I felt good about myself. I felt like I was in control over my anxiety.

By tomorrow morning I'd know for sure if Phil was my soulmate or not. If needs be, I'd worry about it then. But for the moment I just let myself be happy.