In Your Dreams // phan

t h i r t y e i g h t

"I'm going to marry you, Dan Howell."

He had only said those words once. Just once. And in a sleepy haze of kisses and whispers. But once was enough to burn them indelibly into the back of my brain.

It persistently plagued my mind over the next few days, demanding priority over all of my other thoughts. Phil didn't bring it up though. Maybe he assumed I didn't hear it. Maybe he forgot he said it. Maybe he didn't really mean it. Regardless, I wasn't about to be to the one to bring it up. Because it absolutely terrified me.

I don't know why that was. I'd thought it was because of the dreams. The nightmares I gave him every night, that wracked me with guilt. I was convinced that Phil would hate me because of them, and was reluctant to dive in because of that.

But I had now experienced a nightmare myself, and my opinion of Phil hadn't dropped in the slightest. If anything, it only made me love him more.

I could believe him now when he said he didn't care about the dreams. They truly didn't matter when it came down to it. Because nightmares could be cured with warm embraces and soothing whispers.

My argument was invalid now. I couldn't blame the dreams; I couldn't use them as an excuse. But if it wasn't the dreams then why was I so scared? Why did it make me feel uneasy whenever Phil mentioned spending the rest of our lives together?

And again my brain unlocked that door behind which lay all the thoughts I didn't want to think about. And again, I started to doubt the realness of Phil's affections.

He had to love me because I was his soulmate, and that's how it worked. But what if I wasn't his soulmate? What if it was someone else, like PJ or Chris or Adam? A few months into knowing them and would Phil be saying the same things to them that he was saying to me? If it was anyone else in my place, would the relationship still play out the same?

That had to be it. There was no other reason why Phil would love me. The universe simply deemed my piece to be a perfect fit for Phil's puzzle. But no one cared about the image that formed. No one ever cares. They're so desperate to find the missing piece that they'll automatically accept any piece that'll fit the mould. They just want to feel complete.

Was I the only one that questioned this superficial love?

I needed answers. I needed advice. I needed consoling. But I couldn't turn to Phil. Phil would try to convince me that what he felt was real. But again, he was my soulmate. And that's what he was supposed to say.

I had to hear it from someone else, and so when Phil dropped me home after school I didn't head straight upstairs. Instead I joined my parents in the lounge, dropping my bag to the floor and taking a seat. They both stared at me, mouths slightly agape, as if I had just back flipped into the room instead of walked.

They quickly recovered though and immediately transitioned into overly-concerned-parent mode. "Is everything okay? Did something happen at school?" My stomach twisted guiltily when they assumed the only reason I'd voluntarily speak to them was because I had bad news.

"No, it's just... Can I talk to you about something?" I asked awkwardly.

My mum gasped dramatically, and reached for my hands. "Are you pregnant?"

I rolled my eyes. "No, mum. I'm being serious."

"Is Phil pregnant?" my dad added.

I didn't smile. I was too upset to smile and they were just making things worse. I huffed in annoyance and stood up to leave before they called me back. "Wait, wait! We're sorry. We'll be serious. Please talk to us." I hesitated, before slumping back into my seat.

"Hypothetically, if you two weren't soulmates, would you still love each other?" I blurted out. No lead up, no explanation. Just straight to the point. To my surprise, there was hesitation on both of their parts. The answer must have been no. Perhaps they too thought about soulmates the way that I thought about soulmates. They knew they only loved each other because they were supposed to.

After a brief period of awkward silence, during which time I convinced myself that I was right in my philosophy, they finally answered. "Yes," my dad said simply.

But the pause made me doubt. They were lying. I knew they were. "And you're sure of that, are you?"

They were quicker in answering this time. After a brief glance between them and a nod of what seemed to be confirmation from my mum my dad answered with, "Yes. We're absolutely sure."

But it was all too suspicious. The pauses, the looks, the guilty expressions on their faces. Something was up and they weren't telling me. I was about to ask them about it before my dad continued. "Because we're not soulmates."

Time stopped as my brain tried to comprehend what he said. "What do you mean?" I asked, but there was no possible hidden meaning behind those words. It meant they weren't soulmates. But they told me they were. They told me about how they met. They told me how it was love at first sight. They told me about dreaming; what it was like and what it entailed.

"You lied to me," I muttered in shock. I expected them to laugh and shout, 'fooled you!' but that never happened. My parents - always talking, always joking - shifted uncomfortably in their seats and left me to fill the silence. "Why didn't you just tell me?"

"No one ever marries someone who isn't their soulmate. You know that. Imagine what people would say," my mother spoke quietly, almost pleadingly. Like she was afraid of how I'd react and was desperate for me to understand.

"No. That's why you didn't tell anyone else. But why didn't you tell me?" I was their son. I wasn't about to condemn their actions or tell them it was unnatural or idiotic. Of course I would understand.

What I didn't understand is why they lied to me. Did they really think me that judgmental? Or perhaps too fragile to handle the news. Either way I was feeling insulted. Betrayed, even. I was ready to be more open with them. I was ready to rebuild our relationship. But they ruined it. They ruined it with a stupid, unnecessary lie.

"We're sorry, Dan. It's just... everyone that we did tell reacted... not very kindly. Nobody understood how we could love each other."

But I would have understood, if you'd only explained. I was only getting angrier and more upset as the seconds ticked by. This wasn't how this talk was supposed to go. I was seeking comfort and reassurance, but the conversation was going in an entirely different direction to the one I had anticipated.