In Your Dreams // phan

t h i r t e e n

PJ was silent, staring down at his hands in his lap. He looked still but I knew his brain was working over-time, trying to process what he just heard. I turned away from him as I felt the tears start to pool in my eyes, parking the car in my driveway but keeping my hands on the wheel. He finally looked up, but looked out the window instead of at me.

"Say something." I begged of my best friend. He just sighed, running his hand through his hair. Then he looked at me.

"What do you want me to say? 'Damn, that's messed up I'm so sorry'?" I shook my head in confusion, trying to hold back the tears that I promised didn't exist. My knuckles were turning white clutched around the steering wheel I still held tightly, all the memories and feelings flooding back from last night. I tried to take deep breaths without PJ noticing but I knew I wasn't doing well. He could see. He could see what just the memory of the dream was doing to me, and I knew he was assuming the worst.

"You're supposed to say 'It's going to be okay'." I whispered.

"It's going to be okay." I cracked a small smile.

"You're only saying that because I told you to." He grinned and looked down.

"Yeah." He straightened his face and pried my hands off the steering wheel, holding them tightly.

"Phil, I am telling you the truth when I say I have no clue what is going on up in that noggin of yours. I don't know what dreams are like. I don't know what having a soulmate is like. I don't know what anxiety is like. I really, really can't help you the way you want me to. But I will be here for you when you need me. Got it?" I smiled in spite of myself and gave him a small nod. He dropped my hands.

"Thanks."

"And I also will steal all of your popcorn." He pushed the door open quickly and sprinted to my front door. I yanked my keys out of the ignition and tried to beat him to it, failing miserably.

"No fair!" I chuckled, following him in.

"Okay, I have a serious question." I asked PJ nearly an hour later, crossing my legs and pulling my knees close to me. PJ popped a kernel of popcorn into his mouth, nodding.

"Shoot."

"What's wrong with Chris?" I asked, picking a ball of fuzz off my sock, then straightening out a crease in my bed sheets. PJ set his pencil down, exposing his barely-touched homework, slowly, giving himself time to think. He pursed his lips, and then shook his head.

"What do you mean?" He stalled. I scoffed, raising my eyebrows.

"Are you serious? Does 'what the hell is wrong with you, soulmate of one of my best friends, Dan Howell?' ring a bell?" He sighed, shaking his head quickly. He rubbed his face, and looked up at me.

"He hates change." He started. His mouth hung open slightly while formulating what he was going to say next. "And Dan is going to change things." I nodded slowly.

"He is, yes." I fell back onto my pillow. "But that's not why he said it." PJ grinned, awkwardly.

"You could always see right through me, Phil Lester." He picked his pencil back up and began twiddling with it. Then he dropped it, breathing deeply. "Okay, here's the truth.

"We used to know Dan. Everyone did. He was a loner. A weirdo. Everyone left him alone. If you got caught near him, you were ridiculed. You know middle schoolers. So, since Chris and Dan seemed to sit near each other in a lot of classes, people started to make fun of him. Said he was in love with the freak show. One day he snapped, and screamed at Dan, in front of everyone. Dan stopped showing up to school after that. He didn't really come before that but that's when he disappeared." I shut my eyes softly, imagining Dan. His smile. His laugh. His childhood. His pain.

Dan. I already missed him. I already loved him. I'd known him for two days and I loved him. I loved the feeling of his hand in mine and the way his cheeks dimpled in when he smiled, even when it was an uncomfortable one. The way he was so strong but no one saw that. Everyone only saw the times when he cracked and showed the pain beneath his skin, so they labeled him weak. And outsider. A joke.

Well, if hanging out with him makes me a freak, then I guess I'm a freak. I could stand the fear that bit away at me when I thought about the feeling. I could stand the whispers about me. I could stand being called names. No one had ever done it before but I could stand it.

But I could not- and would not- stand for anyone being rude to Dan. Even if I had to hurt someone. Dan was my soulmate. And if my mother was anything to show from it, I was not going to take him for granted. I was not going to waste a single second. Not everyone met their soulmate. And even then, not everyone liked them. So I was two for two.

A horn sounded outside, and PJ began collecting all his stuff.

"That's my ride." He tucked his books back into his bag, and I slung my legs off my bed to stand.

"When are you going to learn to drive?" I chuckled, following him down the stairs. He stopped at the bottom and turned to me.

"When my mum stops giving me free rides." He stuck his tongue out and I mirrored him.

"Goodbye, Mrs. Lester!" He called from the doorway to my mum, sitting in the lounge, watching TV as always. She waved dismissively, glancing up at him briefly. PJ made to leave, but turned to me, leaning in close to whisper.

"Tell me about your dream tomorrow okay? If it's too bad, you can call me." I grinned.

"Thanks, Peej." He pulled me into a brief, tight hug, and closed the door.

"He was cute." Mum said offhandedly, not looking away from the screen. "That your soulmate?" I scoffed, heading into the kitchen.

"No, mum. That was PJ." I snapped, pulling the cabinet open and inspecting its contents. "My best friend since last year? He practically lived here over the summer?"

"Who tread on your toes?" She shut off the TV, standing, the old Lay Z Boy creaking beneath her. She padded into the kitchen, crossing her arms. I was a good foot taller than her but she still managed to look down on me.

"Sorry, mum."

"Troubles at school?"

"No."

"Soulmate issues?"

"No."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I'm going to bed." I pushed past her and walked up to my room.