In Your Dreams // phan

t h i r t y o n e

Dan finally stopped whimpering after a few minutes, his breath steadying out and his hands relaxing their grip on my shirt. I kissed his head over and over again, mumbling the things I loved about him; his hands, his smile. His sense of humour and of style. The way his body fit so easily and perfectly against mine. The way his hands were warm and cold, never in between, the way he tasted. The way his heart beat when we kissed, hard against his chest, so hard that I could feel it. The ease I had speaking to him. The way he made me happy.

He pressed his face against my chest, breathing deeply, and I held my arms around him, tightly, but giving him enough space to breathe. He had stopped crying, but I knew he wasn't done. He wasn't going to make it through the rest of the day.

"I'm taking you home." I whispered into his hair, kissing his head again. He shook his head, quickly.

"Please don't." He whimpered. He kept shaking his head. I tilted his chin up with my index finger, and he locked his tear-filled eyes on mine.

"You can't stop me." I got up suddenly, holding Dan above the ground in a surge of strength I didn't know I could muster. He shouted in alarm, wiggling, trying to break free. But I held onto my soulmate, tightly, shushing him.

"Let go!" He screamed, pushing his hands against my chest. I just held him closer to me. He kicked his feet but I was a superhuman, not willing to let go. The bell rang outside, and it seemed to immobilise him for some reason, making him go limp in my arms. He pressed his face into my chest as I pulled him closer, wrapping his arms around my shoulders. I held under his arms and his legs like a bride, and listened closely to the thrum of students outside, holding my breath, praying to every deity I could think of to not let anyone in that door. It rattled on its hinges every once and awhile due to the herd of kids, but, luckily, no one came in.

I kicked the door open when I deemed it safe, avoiding obvious windows and doorways that we could be seen out of. I wasn't embarrassed of him, but I knew Dan would hate me if he was seen.

He didn't look up the entire way to my car, and, my arms and legs and body burning, I finally made it, setting Dan on the hood. He sniffed and ran his hand under his nose as I fumbled with my keys.

"I'm going back inside." He mumbled, making no motion to leave.

"No you're not," I warned, finally pressing the button that unlocked the doors. I popped the passenger side open and set Dan inside, buckling him up like a little kid. He caught my arm before I pulled away, making me look at him.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. I nodded. "I love you."

"I know," I mumbled back, wanting more than anything to kiss him again. But I stopped myself. I know he is fragile right now, and the last thing he needed was a kiss. He needed a shoulder to cry on, someone to tell him they loved him, and a safe place to rest. I knew he didn't want to leave but I also knew this was the best thing for him. I was torn. What Dan wanted should be less important than what he needed. But I didn't want him to be mad at me. "I love you too." He released his hand and I went to the driver's side, starting the car after running my hand through my hair. Dan had curled himself up against the window, holding his knees, trying to sit as far away from me as he could. He looked pale and broken, and, as much as it pained me to think, he needed to be alone.

I pulled up in front of his house after a long, silent, awkward ride. Dan looked up at it through the window, still quiet, and I opened his door and offered my hand to him. He didn't move.

"I don't want to be here," He mumbled, not looking at me. I sighed, retracting my offered hand. "I d-don't want to." I knew it was a stretch for him to stay with me right now, even though I barely gave him a choice. I knew he didn't want anyone to see him like this, and maybe his parents were included on that list. Or maybe his house was too familiar, a constant reminder of where he had been for all those attacks throughout the years. I needed to take him some place I knew he would be safe, and at least a little bit happy. He stayed where he was and I shut the door.

I drove up in front of my house a few silent minutes later, pulling into my driveway. I went to his side and held out my hand to him after opening his door. He was silent but unbuckled himself and stood on wary legs, accepting my hand, and I dragged him to my front door, ignoring the persistent buzzing in my back pocket. Probably PJ or Chris or Adam wondering where I was. I was still exhausted from carrying Dan but I supported him up the stairs, past my mother who was asleep in her recliner as always, and into my room. He didn't protest as I pushed him down after peeling the covers away, letting me pull off his shoes. He curled up against the wall and hugged an armful of duvet, pressing his face into it and breathing deeply. I laid beside him for a few seconds, playing with his hair, but he murmured something into the sheets.

"Huh?" I asked softly, leaning in closer. He pulled the blanket away from his mouth.

"Will you get my homework?" He whispered. I narrowed my eyes.

"What?"

"My homework." He repeated, his voice dwindling away, as if he was embarrassed. I was silent for a second as I decided what to do. Do I let him stay here alone?

"Will you stay right here?" I asked, my voice low as I leaned in ever closer to him. I didn't know what it was. The rational part of my brain told me to stay away, but the part of my brain that wanted to be close to Dan pushed me forward until our mouths were almost touching. He nodded, not taking his eyes off mine, and I gave him a small grin that I barely felt. "Try to get some rest, okay?" I asked, running my thumb along his cheekbone. He closed his soft brown eyes obediently and I got up, feeling slightly cold without the proximity we had just shared. I left on soft feet, switching the light off slowly.

"I love you," I decided to whisper again, watching the lump under my blankets move up and down with Dan's breath. But either he didn't want to say it back, or he had fallen asleep already.