In Your Dreams // phan

f o r t y t h r e e

Dan had never kissed me like this, so sweetly yet so deeply, so close to me both physically and emotionally, the gold band hugging his finger cool against my warm cheek. He had accepted my ring quickly after I explained I wasn't proposing to him, not yet, and grinned at the inscription.

"Philion," He chuckled as I showed it to him before slipping it on his ring finger. He admired it, holding it out so it caught the light. That's the thing about it; it wasn't much until the light caught it just so, the tiny, practically invisible angles cut into it making it glint wildly. "Like Phil and lion. Like your favourite animal." I smiled and showed him mine.

"Also, kind of like this." He held the ring up to the light and turned it so he could read the inscription. Dandelion.

"You dork," he mumbled, slipping it onto my finger. He hugged me close, his warm breath on my ear and his heart beat on my chest, so familiar yet so different. His arms were wrapped around my neck and his face was pressed against mine. And, like always, my heart rate increased with just the proximity to the most beautiful man alive. I kissed his cheek, and allowed my lips to trail to his ear, then down his neck. He leaned his head back and smiled, letting a sigh escape his lips.

"You've been working so hard, Dan. In school. I'm really proud of you," I mumbled, grazing my teeth over his skin, running my tongue along the bites soothingly. I knew we had to go to school tomorrow but for a second I couldn't care less about anyone seeing the marks. And I hoped Dan felt the same.

"Please don't talk about school right now," He murmured, softly, loosening his grip on me, allowing me better access to his throat. I knew he could tell I was leaving marks, but he didn't seem to care. I sucked gently just below his chin, and I felt his throat vibrate with another moan. My stomach was churning and I did nothing to stop the urge to keep moving, to drop my hands to his waist and pull our hips together, nipping gently at his soft skin, his fingers laced in my hair.

"Not here," he whispered, pushing me away slightly. I looked him in the eyes and saw what he meant. My music was still playing softly, forgotten on the ground, among all the other stuff I couldn't care less about. I just took his hand and dragged him to my car, pressing him against it and then our bodies together, suddenly cold with the lack of contact. He kissed me back, harder, deeper, both our bodies warm despite the chilly night. He held my face in his hands, directing my lips where he needed them, and I happily obliged, picking untouched spots of skin to explore again.

We both were losing control but neither of us wanted it back, both understanding that there was no one around to watch us as I pushed the rough fabric of his shirt up, over his head, his fingers already unbuttoning mine. No one to see as our hands wandered along each other's naked chests, nudging waistbands and giving permission without making a sound.

Dan yanked on the car door handle and sat, and I pushed him back so I could climb on top of him, our contact not breaking, jeans slipping from legs and perfect hair getting forgotten in the twisting and fingers running through it.

I was losing control. But, for the first time since I met him, I realised Dan was willingly letting me lead, letting me slip my fingers under elastic waistbands, letting them wander to brand new places, moans and sighs and gasps punctuating the night air.

I pulled away, briefly, to examine my soulmate. To watch the way his body rippled with heaving breaths, nothing blocking me from him except for one lousy pair of boxers, to watch the way his eyes yearned for me to continue, holding his arms above his head. His swollen lips slightly parted and red, his hair falling around his head like a halo.

I couldn't do this. I shouldn't. But I did, bringing my lips back to his neck as he shifted, gasping when the space between us evaporated and my nails were digging into his skin, pain momentarily forgotten, time forgotten, the world forgotten as he moaned, loudly, arching his back. I loved this. I loved this so much I never wanted it to stop, the way Dan was so vulnerable in my arms yet unafraid, shutting his eyes tight. I wanted to reach back in time and tell Phil of four years ago to get up and start moving, start caring again, find a reason to keep moving, because right now, in present day Phil's arms, was the reason to live. To love.

I wanted to smack that young Phil upside the head and make him realise that pouting wasn't worth it. To stop blaming himself for everything that happened, things out of his control, things he couldn't stop.

Because right now, things were happening, things out of my control, things I couldn't stop. Right now, I wanted the blame, wanted someone to moan my name, I wanted the pain of Dan's nails digging into me, sighing. I wanted the blame for making him like this, for making him groan as the intensity increased to a crescendo and then, something changed, as the night started cooling off, as I pulled away to let him breathe, whimpers escaping his lips.

I wanted him to curse my name for making him so flustered, so out of breath. I wanted him to demand I ask his forgiveness. Right now, I wanted to say something, but no words were coming, no room behind my lips for anything except a warm tongue and pink, swollen lips and sweaty skin.

I didn't want anything to change, but it had to, because the world did exist outside my car, outside the two of us, outside the sounds Dan made instead of words, his only word my name, his shoulders arched and cheeks flushed.

I wanted Phil of the past to look on, everyone to look on, as Dan smiled, smiled brightly and fully and unashamed, his body trembling but for no other reason than exasperation, everything forgotten besides looking into my eyes and whispering my name one last time.

"Phil."