In Your Dreams // phan

t w e n t y o n e

Dan had curled himself up in the corner of his bathroom, trying to steady his breath. He couldn't stop crying but couldn't figure out why; maybe it was the pounding of his heart in his ears, or his dad pounding on the door, demanding that he open it "this instant, young man". Twelve year old Dan shook his head quickly, even though he knew his dad couldn't see him.

"You have to go to school, Dan." His dad shouted through the door. Dan kept gulping in air but felt like nothing was happening, his vision was blackening at the edges; this was the worst attack he'd had, maybe ever. His dad's voice soften.

"Dan, I know it was embarrassing today. Please open the door so we can talk about it." Dan screamed into his jumper that he had pulled over his face. He could barely think; there was no oxygen in his brain. His dad shook the handle but Dan had locked it.

Dan screamed again, his voice hoarse. He had so much pain but couldn't figure out how to get it out. Dan's dad finally got the door unlocked somehow, and barged in, kneeling in front of Dan and reaching out his hand to sooth him. But Dan looked up, tears streaming down his beet-red face.

"Go away! I hate you!" He screamed. Dan's dad hesitated, but tried again.

"Dan, it's all going to be oka-"

"No it's not! He was my only friend!" Dan screamed, spit flying from his mouth in his rage. He started sobbing again and his dad backed away, betrayal spread all over his face. But also familiarity. He understood what was happening; it's happened too often.

So Dan just kept crying. Alone. His stomach was twisting and his breath was coming short. His vision was blackening, he just could not get air into his lungs. He passed out.

"PHIL." Dan shook me, and I sputtered, gasping awake. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't breathe.

"Phil, Phil..." Dan mumbled, restraining me from kicking him. He wrapped his entire body around mine and I felt myself settle with the smell of him. My brain was blurry, nothing was making sense. I didn't want to go to school, Chris would be mean to me. I didn't want anyone to touch me. But Dan felt so nice pressed against me.

"Phil, shhhh." Dan pressed his forehead against mine, holding me close and shushing me.

Soon, I calmed down, and I woke up fully, blinking as Dan's face came into focus. I wanted him to kiss me. But he just looked deep into my eyes.

"It's going to be okay," he whispered.

"I love you." I mumbled. He sat back, shocked, looking away from me. I realised what I had said a second later, and sat up too. "Dan, Dan, I'm sorry." I said, leaning forward to touch him. I was afraid Dan was going to smack my hand away, but he just looked back up at me.

"I can't." He whispered. I translated this to "I don't love you", so I made to get up, grabbing my flannel from the ground and running my hand through my hair.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, I was asleep and-" Dan stood up and put a hand on my shoulder.

"Phil, stop. Sit down." I wouldn't look at him, but I really didn't want to leave. He took my hand and forced me back down onto his bed. I suddenly started crying. I didn't know why, nothing was really wrong. But I had to get it out, and crying was the first thing that happened. I'm just glad I didn't start screaming. Dan pulled me close to him, hugging me tightly, pressing his face in my shoulder. "You're staying here whether you like it or not." He mumbled, rubbing my back. He didn't tell me to stop crying because he knew better.

I wasn't sad. I wasn't anything. Maybe it was the lack of emotion that made me feel like this; emptiness hurt more than sadness did. But there was something there. I loved Dan. And I had told him and he had rejected me but that's okay. Because I loved him anyway. I'm a hopeless romantic. I have been my entire life. I was willing to get married to him right now, but he would deal with this in his own time. I got a taste of what he goes through every day and it wasn't something I enjoyed. I felt so bad for him but knew he wouldn't want me to feel like that. So I let him hold me and I let myself cry, let him be the one who calmed someone down for once.

"Shhhhhh..." He soothed, rubbing circles on my back. Dan may not have loved me yet. And that's okay. Because he at least liked me, or I wouldn't be here. There are plenty of people who rejected their soulmate. But that doesn't affect the fact that they're the one person you're meant to love for the rest of your life.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Dan whispered as my sobs turned to gentle shaking, then deep, smooth breaths. Dan smelled nice. I liked seeing him in real life with his bed hair and tired eyes. His lips were chapped. I need to stop thinking about kissing him.

I shook my head, grabbing fistfuls of his shirt as if preventing him from pulling away, but he made no motion to. "Do you want to cuddle?" I nodded into his chest and he pulled me away slightly.

"I'm here for you." He said quietly. I just nodded, mesmerised by the way his eyes seemed to shine in the low light. Dan laid down and I laid down beside him, letting him pull my body toward him.

"No funny business." He mumbled and I fitted my legs against his. He and I fit together perfectly, like puzzle pieces. I never wanted to move from that spot. He wrapped his arms around my waist and his eyes began to droop.

"No, this is strictly professional." I whispered back. He mumbled something, but my heart was pounding too loud for me to hear it. But it was a nice kind of pounding; it's the kind that reminds you why you're alive.