In Your Dreams // phan

f i f t e e n

Little Dan stared at the house, biting his lip. He was maybe nine or ten, and he had grown his hair out even farther than it had been in the last dream. He clung to a paper bag, hugging it close to his chest. He was having an attack, or close to it- short breath, wide eyes.

He stared at the building for a while, as if trying to figure out what to do. He was trembling slightly. Whatever was inside the bag was definitely broken or squished or beyond repair, yet still he hugged it to his body. He turned around to look at the car he had just been booted out of, and a man and a woman, his parents by the look of the familiar brown eyes and bright grins, waved encouragingly. Dan looked back at the building. His face was set. He took one final deep breath, and began to walk forward.

He rang the doorbell. He held his breath. A mere second went by and he began to panic, turning to his parents with a worried look.

A few seconds more, and the door opened, and a grinning woman ushered him inside.

"Dan! Welcome! Come in, come in, Anthony will be so excited to see you..." Dan looked back at the Suburban containing his family, but it was driving away.

He stepped over the threshold and held the bag out to the woman. She accepted it, gesturing to the stairs.

"Party's in the games room." She went to another room, and Dan glanced up the stairs, which seemed to grow the longer he looked. There were suddenly hundreds of stairs instead of the original ten, but the noises at the top weren't any farther away.

He wanted to go up. He even set his foot on the bottom stair.

"Happy birthday," he whispered under his breath. "Happy birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday..." he was rehearsing it. "Happy birthday, Anthony."

He still only had a single foot on the stair. He brought a hand up to his hair, pulling self-consciously on the nearly chin-length locks. I could almost hear what he was thinking.

Go. Go quick. Go, smile, leave. That's all I promised.

He put weight on the foot on the stair and grabbed the railing for support. Another stair. Another. He was only climbing a single flight of steps but he might as well have been scaling a mountain. Three more. Five to go.

Go, I felt myself wishing. Come on Dan. Do it.

The little brunette paused just out of sight of the doorway on the top floor. He was listening to the voices. My heart was clenching in my chest. Are they talking about him?

He strained to listen. Was that his name? They were surely talking about him.

No. They said ham. Not Dan.

But Dan just stood there until I woke up.

I felt sick. I felt like I was going to be sick everywhere my stomach was churning so badly. I even went as far as to run to the toilet, clutching the sides of the bowl, my knees hitting tile bathroom floor hard. I swallowed, then spat into the water. I took a few deep breaths as my mind woke up.

A dream. It was all a dream.

Then why do I feel like curling up into a ball and never leaving the house again? I sat up, looking around. What did I tell Dan to do to calm down?

Screw it. I need to talk to someone.

I padded to my room, glancing at my alarm clock.

01:45 AM. Could I risk going back to sleep? Would the memory pick up from where it left off? How does that work?

I clutched my phone tightly between both hands, as if every contact I had in there could send me strength through the device without me actually having to call anyone.

I scrolled to PJ's contact, and my thumb hovered over the call button. I know he said I could call him. But it was far too early in the morning. So I went back to my contacts. Who could I bug without them hating me forever? I knew the answer to that one immediately. He has no choice but to love me.

The phone rang six times before Dan picked it up. I was really happy he answered the first call. I'm not sure I could call him again if he didn't.

"Hey." He breathed. Just the smooth sound of his sleepy voice calmed me down. "Is something wrong?"

"No, no, everything's fine. It's perfect. You're perfect." I felt a grin pulling at my lips. He chuckled softly. "I'm sorry I woke you." I whispered seriously.

"Mmmmm... no, no," he yawned, "I was already awake." I shook my head despite being alone. Dan could do that to me. Make me feel like I'm not alone. Even when he wasn't there. Or even on the other end of the phone line.

"Right, Dan." I crossed my legs, drawing my blankets around me. "I miss you."

"I miss you too." He whispered. He didn't say it like he was just responding to me. He sounded like he meant it. "I dreamed about you."

"No." I mocked. "Little old me?" He laughed again, seemingly more awake now.

"Yes, little baby Phil."

"Tell me about it." I asked. He was silent for a second.

"It was another nice one. You were with a boy called Adam." I gasped, slightly. Adam. Man, I hadn't thought about him in awhile. "And you were on bikes. You fell into a river." I chuckled.

"Yeah, that sounds about right." he laughed with me. "Talking about soulmates, I assume?"

"Yeah. Do you remember it?"

"No. But that's all I really ever do. Talk about soulmates and then fall off of things." Dan sighed, contentedly. A warm smile was stuck to my lips as I imagined him, his hair all mussed, his eyes heavy-lidded, his mouth hung slightly open, still tired.

"And yours?" He asked tentatively. I was silent. "Was it really that bad?"

"No!" I assured him quickly. "No, it was a nice one, too. I just didn't know where to start!" Dan sighed.

"I know it was a bad one because there are no good ones." Dan whispered. "I'm so, so sorry I'm your soulmate, Phil." He sounded like he was about to cry.

"No, Dan, no. I love having you as my soulmate. It's opening my eyes to so many things. I just..."

"Don't try to make excuses Phil. It's going to continue like this for as long as it takes to get to the one good thing that's ever happened to me." He paused. "You." He was barely being audible anymore, but I caught his last word. I felt tears creep into my eyes despite the giant smile on my face.

"Then I have something to look forward to." I assured him. He just scoffed. "My life isn't all butterflies and rainbows either, Dan." I should tell him. I should tell him right now so he doesn't see it first. I'm not going to put him through what I had to go through unless I was right there for him.

A brief image of Dan and I flashed across my mind's eye, lying a bed together, our fingers intertwined. He slept and I just watched him, watched the way his eyes moved under their lids, dreaming vividly.

"Will you tell me?" He asked softly.

"You don't need to hear it, it-"

"Phil, it already happened to me." I sighed at his reasoning, but, realising he had a point, agreed.

"Okay. But only if you Skype me."