Always Get What I Want.

Selfish

"What did he mean Jessica?" Joseph asked as we sat seated next to each other in the car. "What did he do to you?" The way he spoke, eerily calm, I knew he was doing all that he could to hold himself together after our encounter with his greatest enemy. It was the calm before the storm. I knew it wouldn't last. 

Based on thinking about all of the horrific things that could have happened I guess I had it fairly easy while I was in California. All the things that happened in my mind could have actually happened, scaring me physically instead of mentally. "While I was there they did something to me while I was sleeping. I don't know what exactly it was but it made my dreams..." I trailed off thinking about the gruesome things that my mind was able to come up with. "Vivid. I have nightmares." I whispered. 

I guessed that he could see the scared faraway look in my eyes as he quickly pulled me from the seat beside him into his lap and then he held me close, doing his part to make me feel secure in his arms. "You don't know the name device it was that he used on you?" he said softly and quietly. 

"No." I whispered. "He might have told me once after I woke up.." I shook my head. After I had one of those nightmares I spend the next several minutes reliving the experience. "They aren't like normal dreams. I can't forget them. It's like living out my worst fears every night over and over. It never stops." I pushed my head into his shoulder trying to reel in the tears that were beginning to brim. 

"Jessica." He pulled my head from my hiding place in his neck. He gripped both sides of my jaw and stared into my eyes. His deep green gaze penetrating me to my soul. "We will find a way to fix what he did to you." I nodded. "You will never have to see that sorry excuse of a man again. I promise you that." I nodded willing myself to believe him, but by the way that Romano was talking back on the plane I got the feeling that he wouldn't be leaving me alone anytime soon. I nodded and he wiped away a rouge tear away from my face I didn't realize had fallen. 

I buried my face back into his neck inhaling the sent of him. That and his hand rubbing circles on my back were the only things that could sooth my destructive thoughts. 

"Joseph, what are you going to do about the president? Don't you need his support to do what you do?" My voice was muffled by his shirt. 

Joseph scoffed "More like he needs my support to do what he does. I have connections everywhere. My family is well liked by many political leaders around the world. I was the one that got Jefferson elected that little bastard. Without me supporting him and telling him what to do he'll loose all of his foreign allies." We arrived at the mansion and Joseph lifted me out of the car. He placed me on the ground but kept his arm firmly around my waist as I limped as his side. "Romano used to be our friend and thus a friend to all of the others we had connected with. When word got out about what he had done to my mother.. Everyone turned on him. Its just a good thing he has deep pockets or he'd be out of business." 

"I thought you said that he was more powerful than you?" I was confused. "If you are friends with all of these people why would you say that." 

"I don't ask them for favors. I don't like to owe anyone anything. If there is any possible way for me to solve the problem on my own, I will. I guess that  if you were counting the backing I could have I am the more powerful guy, but if you're not counting that then Romano is. He has more money, more men." I nodded as he spoke. I guess it made sense. 

"Why don't you ask for help?" I knew it was selfish and wrong of me to think this way, but I couldn't help the thought that if he had asked his friends for help he might have found me sooner from entering my mind. 

"I avoid being backed into a corner at all costs. If you don't owe anyone anything than you are your own man. You don't have to be anyone's bitch." 

"You talk like you have some personal aversion to being helped." I shook my head. My brain couldn't comprehend how he could be so stubbornly independent. 

"yes. My mother. She was the kindest person that I knew. My father was in trouble. The whole business was. We were about to go under. My mother went to Romano and asked him for help. For money. He said yes. He gave her everything that she asked for, but. She owed him. Once a year she had to go to him." he stopped. His face looked disgusted. " He made her act like his wife. When we were OK again, stable financial wise she went one last time and that was the last time we saw her. I guess he thought that if he couldn't have her anymore that no one should be allowed to." 

"Your father let her do that? He let her go to him knowing what he would make her do." I asked disgusted myself. 

"He never knew. I only found out through Matthias after I'd taken over my fathers businesses. Matthias was my fathers chief financial officer. He was the one that made all the transactions between Romano's accounts and ours. He helped keep everything a secret. I resented him for a long time, but he was just doing what he thought was best. What he was asked." 

He was quiet for a long while until we reached his bedroom. I lowered myself onto the bed and elevated my leg to try and ease the throbbing. He stayed standing and watched me struggle to get comfortable. "You know I have been totally independent my whole life. I never asked for anything from anyone, even when I was first starting with this business. I think people respect me for that. I've never come closer to calling everybody I know to bring Romano down than I was these last couple of weeks. Now watching you. Watching you hurt and after hearing what he did to you, I wish I had." He sat down and held head in hands. 

He was within my reach. I could've reached out and touched him. Comforted him. But I didn't. I wished more than anything that I could've saved myself. In fact I hated myself for letting them do what they did to me. I also hated myself for being mad at Joseph. For not finding me sooner. For not doing everything he could. Even after all he'd just told me I just couldn't control the anger that was pumping through me. I clenched my hands in a fist and laid my head against the wall. I stayed silent not trusting anything that could come out of my mouth.

I didn't say anything for a long time. I wanted to tell him how I felt. I knew it was the best way for me to get over it but I couldn't bring myself to after what he'd told me about his mother. I guess it was because I understood. I understood his hesitancy, but it didn't help me to feel better about the situation. It didn't help me feel better about the fact that I was tortured and experimented on while he was here, dwelling on the past. 

"We'll get through this Joseph." I finally unclenched my fist and rested my hand on his shoulder. He nodded. I was sure that he was feeling just as mad at himself as I was. That was why I could give him comfort. 

"I know." He covered my hand with his. We stayed like that for a long time. Until he finally lifted his head from his hands. "I will always protect you. I promise you that I would rather die than ever let anything happen to you again."