Always Get What I Want.

Enough

Things were tense. We sat together in the dining room trying and failing to make conversation. I think the people around us could tell as well. Or maybe it was the look on Joseph's face that had everybody so on edge.

President Jefferson still hadn't called. It's been a week. Joseph was so sure that he would have phoned and begged for forgiveness the day after the incident on the plane, but we hadn't heard a peep. With each passing day Joseph's mood grew worse. I suppose I played a part in his mood too. He had asked me if I would stay with him in his room and I had quickly refused. I could see it in his eyes that he disapproved of my decision and asked me to think about it. I thought about it and I still didn't think it was a good idea.

"Oh for heavens sake." Joseph yelled. "Just get out! All of you." He was obviously tired of the tension, already having enough to worry about. People rose immediately from their half eaten plates and left the room like a fire alarm was going off. I rose to leave, I knew that I was stressing him out more than anyone. I was shutting him out. He didn't need to know the extent of my problems. Like I said he had enough to deal with.

"Not you." He grabbed my wrist before I could take any steps. We stayed silent for awhile I kept my gaze on the side of his face. He just stared down into his plate.

"Joseph." I whispered quietly.

He shook his head slightly. "I love the sound of your voice." His confession both made me smile and cringe at the same time. I couldn't imagine what the pair displayed as on my face. I didn't want to hear sweet things from him. I was trying to stay away.

His green eyes lifted up to mine and pleaded with me to be OK. To stop shutting him out. To stop making him feel like it was his fault. I could tell he had been getting just about as much sleep as me, which happened to be none, by the deep sags under his eyes. He looked more than worn out, and more than desperate.

"Joseph. What do you need?" Being around him in such close proximity like this made me feel like I was wrong for doing what I was doing. Wrong for pushing him away. I could admit that it wasn't because I was mad at him, that anger had faded the second he looked me in the eyes. As much as I wanted to say I was doing it to protect myself, I knew it was pure selfishness and stubbornness. The 2 made a terrible combination. I had made a decision that I wouldn't let anyone into my life enough to betray me again, and I wasn't going to make any exceptions. First my family, then Cameron the first time, then even Joseph abandoned me on those church steps.

"Please. I know I haven't said it, but I love you. I would do anything for you. Let me be with you. I know that your suffering, and I want to be there for you if you would just let me." He stood to his full height towering above me. Something I normally love, but now it was just suffocating. I needed to think about everything.

"I know you do. Just please give me some space." I stepped back and wiggled my wrist out of his gentle grip.

"I'll give you anything. As long as you'll come back to me." He had never sounded more like a broken man to me in all the months I'd known him. Not when he spoke about his father, not even his mother. He needed me just as much as I needed him, and yet here I was. Walking away. Leaving him alone.

I can safely say that even as I left him standing there. That he wasn't alone. My heart was with him, as it always would be. My mind might just take a bit more convincing. 

******************************************2 days later

I sat quietly in front of the mirror. I was back in my old bedroom. The one that even though it was located miles away from the house that I grew up in was more of a home to me than anywhere else ever had been. Ava sat behind me brushing through my hair. I had tried to tell her that she didn't have to but she insisted saying it was calming and she had a rough day.