Some Hamiltrash Shit

V. America's Favorite Founding Fuckboy/Superhero

[photo-Pinterest; Daveed Diggs, "What'd I Miss"]
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  Okay, so we all know Thomas Jefferson. Dude was a scientist, politician, inventor, father, husband, lover(?), enemy, and a SUPERHERO, as well of a douchebag. He is my spirt animal. Probably.
   He is FUCKING crazy! He wrote a Declaration of Independence at I believe 20. (Or 33, I forgot). Left to France right after just like "Fuck it, I'm out.". Oh yeah, he is ALSO the ambassador to France.
  And my favorite fact, his bed was right between his office and the rest of his house. So like, if him and his wife Martha, had you know, some fun, he could slide right into his office, and then sign something. Impress them with your lovemaking then impress them with your lawmaking. Ham, step that shit up.
  Dude was basically the original MVP. Honestly, he was probably the most accomplished men in America. Did he fight in the war? Nope. But, he kind of basically was the ignition because of his dear Declaration. Was he not only president, but ambassador to France? Hell yeah. You bet your sweet ass he was. In short, he is basically the definition of those memes that overhype the shit out of people. But, we all James Madison was Jefferson's hype man.
  But honestly, this man had a LARGE family. Okay, not as big as Hamilton, it was technically larger than his. He married Martha Wayles in 1772, and I believe she died early. But they had six children together. They being: John Skelton (1767–1771), Martha Jefferson (1772–1836), Jane Jefferson (1774–1775), Peter Jefferson (1777), Polly Jefferson (1778–1804), Lucy Elizabeth Jefferson (1780–1781), Lucy Elizabeth Jefferson (1782–1784). (I'll get back to this little bit later) And supposedly had an affair with one of his slaves, Sally Hemmings, and apparently, had children with her. A good amount.

  Okay so remember how is said I'd get back to his children, but Sally Hemmings first, well, so remember in my favorite hype song, "What'd I Miss?" Where America's favorite fuckboy comes home? Yeah you do, well, he says:
  "Sally, be a lamb, darling, won't you open it?" Referring to the letter he got from Washington? Well, he was taking to Sally Hemmings, his mistress. I don't know if his wife Martha was aware, hell is she was even alive, I think she was, (*glares at Hamilton*), but I know he had a mistress.
  Now, in going to have some rocks thrown at me, but sometimes I have problems shipping Phillip and Theodosia Jr. because, Thomas Jefferson had a daughter around Phillip's age. In fact, I did my research. Phillip (the eldest one, was born in 1782, making Jefferson's last daughter, Lucy Elizabeth, his age). And how awkward would that be? Like, having Hamilton and Jefferson, people whom of which absolutely HATED each other, have their children courting each other? Damn, that would be fun to see.
   Okay so fun story. So back in the day everyone was kind of an idiot and thought tomatoes were poisonous (spoiler alert, they weren't) and Thomas knew this. So at a dinner party somewhere after his trip back home from Paris, he wanted to impress some fuckers. So he stood up on his chair, and held up the tomato. Took the leaves off because those little shits aren't healthy.
  And fucking ate in one bite.
Everyone lost their shit, trying to fetch doctors, thinking he was trying to commit suicide or something, but he was okay. And then everyone was all like: "This dude is a fucking SUPERHERO! How could he have survived? Damn!".
  I can only imagine Martha being like "WHAT THE FUCK THOMAS, I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUICIDAL OR SOME SHIT!!". You know, assuming she wasn't dead when this happened.
  
   Also, apparently, this fucker LOVED mac n' cheese. Don't know where that started, but OKAY! So other than the important shit, apparently he invented the swivel chair. Wouldn't be surprised. Not a bone in my body is surprised. So if someone tells you "Hamilton would like Heelys". Slap that fool. It's obviously Jefferson who would like heelys. Don't even be surprised.

So to summarize the O.G MVP:
1. Superhero
2. Fuckboy
3. Loved swivel chairs
4. Had a boatload of children
5. Lost his wife to illness
6. Dickhead

   Raise a glass to Mr. Jefferson. He came home. Lord, he's been off in Paris for so long. :3
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  Well guys, I hope you enjoyed! I worked on this for a while. Honestly though, I love Thomas Jefferson. And I love Daveed Diggs. Hands up to both. And if I'm being honest, "What'd I Miss?" is probably my favorite song on the soundtrack. Thomas Jefferson is the MVP. He would probably so listen to "Bad and Boujee" I see it. Well guys, tomorrow I'm going to be talking about Angelica and friend zoning as well as some Hamliza goodness. Know a Hamliza trash? Send this to them!!! Goodnight y'all!
                                                  ~DSRG87