Saved Myself {Riarkle}

Chapter 14

He's sitting in my room holding me in his arms on my bed.

How did I let myself trust him?

How did I let my guard down?

How it this possible?

Just... how?

We haven't said anything really. I think we're both way too scared of fighting and then causing the other to run off or something like that.

Maybe we can just stay in this moment forever.

Farkle clears his throat, breaking the spell in the process. "So, why did you invite me here?"

I pull back and look away. "Everything just happened too fast. Decisions were made too suddenly and I want you to know what's going on. I don't want to lose you in my life."

He looks at me for a long moment then asks, "Even after what I did to you?"

I hesitate. "Yeah, because you came back for me when you could've just let me go."

He smiles and slightly elbows me. "I told you, you got a pure heart of gold if I've ever seen one."

"Whatever," I scoff looking away from him. I smile to myself because he's right. I've been stepped on, but I don't have to be such an awful person anymore. I don't have to pretend to not care about everyone and everything.

"How are things with you now?" Farkle asks quietly.

My fingers twist the beaded bracelet on my wrist. "Better. I'm just trying to figure myself out I guess."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

I take a moment to put my feelings into words. "I know that I jumped, there's no denying that, but what lead me to that moment? My counselor and I have been trying to figure out what's caused all these awful feelings about the world."

He looks into my eyes and I can tell that he really wants to help me. I know I need his help so I ask him for it.

He nods happily like a kid who just learned he's going to Disneyland. "Let's start with me," he says.

"You?"

Sheepishly he looks away. "I mean I did awful things to you, so if we want full trust between us then we need to figure out what we feel about each other and get it out now. I rather us not explode in each other's faces later on."

I shift towards Farkle and tell him, "Are you sure about this? I'm going to be brutally honest if we do it."

He takes me hand in his and it just feels natural. "I'm positive," Farkle finalizes.

"You asked for it," I mutter. I take a deep breath then say it all.

"I was a kid when so many people started to bully me. Not only did I have to learn to fight for myself, but I had to take everything on the chin. Worst of all I had to do it all with a smile because no matter what I could see the good in people. They could be the worst person in the world, yet I would still be able to find something it them that makes up for the bad. I'm just that kind of person.

"And even though I know why you did it, it doesn't make knowing that you were one of those awful people any better. I can't even begin to comprehend how messed up that is to me. You made me hate myself, and I hate you for it.

"I hate that you made me hate myself and the world and other people. I hate that I lost my trust in amazing people causing me to let go of my relationships with them. I hate that I lost my faith in everyone just because of some horrible things that were done to me. I hate that my joy was just stolen from me."

I wipe away a single tear and try not to get too sad.

Farkle rubs my palm with his thumb and whispers so softly that I can hardly hear him, "I'm sorry for that. Luckily you got it all out now, at least for the most part. But how do you feel about me now?"

I think for a moment and say, "I trust you enough to let you in my room and not freak out. I know that for whatever reason you are important in my life because fate keeps bringing us together, so I know I need your help."

"With what exactly?"

I lean my head on his shoulder and think. There's so many things I could say, but I know what's the most important one right now.

"I need to figure out everything that's made me this way."