distract him; phan + troyler

chapter 3

phil's pov

"i can't believe him!" i hiss angrily. "i don't understand what's wrong with him."

tyler gave a comforting smile, his eyes filled with pity and extreme boredom. we're sitting on the flowery couch in my living room talking about the party yesterday. we left around noon, tyler said he wanted to help clean up. troye really should be with tyler. they're both so caring and sweet. they're also honest.

the lie i told was still in the back of my mind, a parasite infecting my body. i couldn't get rid of the disease-like guilt that resided within me.

tyler sensed my discomfort. "listen phil, you didn't do anything wrong. you were trying to help dan, and it's not like you did anything with him," he smiled. "i mean, if you had told troye that dan had slept in your arms that would have been fine with me though."

i shook my head. "tyler, you don't understand. i can't lie to people. even if they don't believe me, i can't stand the thought of someone not knowing the truth."

sympathy was written all over his face as he reached out and patted my shoulder. "if you want to tell troye what really happened, go ahead."

i shrug my shoulders, then wrap my arms around myself. the pastel blue shirt i'm wearing is quite big on me so the sleeves cover my hands. anxiety crawls across my skin like mosquitos in the summertime. i want so badly to tell troye. then he might break up with dan, and tyler would be happy.

but i can't do that to dan. the person i saw last night, the one i held in my arms, needs to be protected.  he's fragile, i can tell. the anger he produces doesn't appear real, but in fact necessary. he seems to have the need to be upset. maybe he likes the vibe he puts off, how it shows a mystery, one that attracts people. but i don't think that's it.

i think it's a way of coping. with what, i'm not sure. but Dan doesn't need to be that way, someone needs to show him that he can be himself. that is, if my theory is correct. maybe i'm wrong though, maybe he is a very disturbed person.

he cried when he talked about losing troye, which isn't a big deal, everyone cries when they think they're going to lose someone they love. but then he got so defensive, and over nothing! did he honestly think i would go around telling people he cried? and even if i did, did he think anyone would believe me?

he confuses me a lot, but i can relate to the heartbreak you feel when you think you're going to lose the love of your life. it's the most awful thing in the world. and i'm not talking about death.

i think it hurts more when they're alive, when they choose to leave you. they're still out there, still happy, but they chose to get rid of you. they wanted to leave you. when people die, they generally don't do it because they want to leave you.

"hey phil, you alright?" tyler says, his voice laced with worry and concern.

i shake my no. "i have to tell troye, i want things to be cleared up. but i'm not going to imply that it was romantic, because it wasn't. he just needed someone to be there, and troye wasn't."

tyler nods, even though it will probably mean he has to start spending less time with troye. but he's willing, as long as i'm happy. i know that for a fact, and i really appreciate it. i wrap him in a loving hug. "you're an amazing best friend."

"i know."

→

monday morning is one of my greatest weaknesses. it marks the beginning of another onslaught of days in a shitty building surrounded by bullies and ignorant teachers who don't give a fuck about anything going on around them. i'd give anything to stay curled up in my warm bed, blocking out the rest of the world.