distract him; phan + troyler

chapter 10

phil's pov

"what would you do if i left you?" dan mumbled almost inaudibly, not taking his eyes off of the cracked ceiling. we're both laying back on my bed, studying the area around us, in search of answers to whatever questions our brains hold.

i stare up there with him, tracing the cream coloured surface with my eyes, hoping i would see whatever he is seeing. "i don't know," i say back, hoping to dismiss his brooding doubts.

truthfully, i know exactly what would happen. i'd let myself break into a thousand minuscule pieces full of self hatred and raw emotions. i'm in way too deep, and i probably wouldn't be able to go on. i've pretty much lost tyler, and i really don't have anyone else besides dan. forgetting my loneliness though, i'd still be utterly heartbroken. dan is like my other half. if he was gone, my heart would break into two. i can't bear the thought of trying to pick myself up after something as awful as that. i'd become some irritable, cantankerous person, destined to spend the rest of their life in need of some comfort.

"why do you ask?" my worried side pipes up before my brain can filter it. my tone is so desperate for reassurance that i almost want to cry.

he turns to look at me now, placing a hand over my own. "i don't want to weigh you down."

i sit up suddenly, making him flinch in surprise. "you don't hold me back," i whisper, smiling slowly. "you lift me up."

i lay back down beside him, grasping his hand cautiously. neither of us are uncomfortable anymore, we're just content. we don't say anything for a while, enjoying the silence. i have so many words balanced on my tongue threatening to expose themselves and ruin the peaceful moment, but i resist. i enjoy the solace, and all the new feelings bubbling to the surface of my skin, crackling and sparking beneath my palm against dan's.

i can't shake the feeling that something is so right about this, and that all the mistakes i've made with people in the past are irrelevant. he makes me feel safe, and good. i'm not as weak when i'm holding his hand, and i'm not as empty when he's smiling at me. i want to cherish his company forever, and never release this thing that we share. i can't pretend that it's all platonic, because that's not who i am. i get attached easily, especially in this situation. i've only really known dan for a short period of time, and yet, it still feels like some sort on fantasy-filled lifetime.

his voice is like wispy fluffs of candy floss, filling me up with his kind words and sweetening me with his breath. i want to explore more of his sugary demeanour, and i want to taste it too. he's so irresistible to me, but i'm still stuck just holding his hand. if i didn't care as much, i'd just lean towards him and press my lips against his rosy ones. i can't though. there's too many possible outcomes. if he rejected me, i'd be alone. and besides that, troye is claiming he still likes dan. i want to pretend that's rubbish and that dan is perfectly happy with me, but it's not. dan probably still has feelings for troye, it's about as possible as water being wet. it's highly likely.

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troye's pov

i miss him, i really miss him. dan was like my rock, his stupid harsh act made him seem like my opposite, but in reality we're both pretty soft. we liked to cuddle and make up silly stories, while staring at the crystal stars for inspiration. he's so imaginative, and so creative, he was perfect when i needed someone to help me write a song. in fact, a lot of my songs were inspired by him, or inspired by the stories he'd write. we would sit on my bed and his moonlit voice would mumble about what he'd written recently, the i would put it to music. it was such a calming process, and i really loved it. when our relationship was doing well, we really were a beautiful pair.