distract him; phan + troyler

chapter 15

dan's pov

lonely, pretending, pained. that's all i am. i'm fake, and tired and needy. my parents are gone again, with no plan of coming back at least for a few weeks. i asked to stay with troye, considering we're supposed to be dating, but he declined. he's always busy, out with some other boy. he's says that it's his tutor, and that they're close friends. i want to believe him, but it's hard. every time i get close to him, i swear i smell the scent of cologne, and neither troye nor i wear any.

things are strange with phil. every time i see him, it's as if a wooden stake is being pressed against my chest. i want to wrap my arms around him and beg the pain to go away, but i can't. i can't help but feel like i betrayed him, like being with troye is a personal attack against him. it's not though, my relationship really has nothing to do with phil. he was my friend. a good friend that i could fully trust, and one that i often found myself thinking about.

images of those icy blue eyes are constantly swirling around my brain, covered in anger and a yearning to connect with my own. i want to let my skin touch his, to look into those gaping holes of confusion and pain, i want to smooth over the surface with sugary words and dabbles of caring. i'm so excited to see him, and yet, not an ounce of my being has any desire to talk to him. not because i'm mad or anything, i'm just really afraid of fucking things up.

i sift through my closet, deciding whether or not to change clothes. school just ended and i practically flew home, hoping to have a little time before phil arrives. a lilac shirt catches my eye, it's thin with little blue roses decorating the long sleeves. i pull off the black one i've been wearing all day and replace it with the warmer piece of clothing. the light purple compliments my skin well, though it's kind of thin. you can easily see through the fabric. i grip the edge of the shirt, prepared to change, but then ringing of our house's doorbell interrupts me.

i gasp, then take a deep breath. everything is going to be okay, i'll be fine. i repeat the encouragements out loud as i skip downstairs and open up the front door. phil's back is to the door and his hands are in his pockets. the tight black jeans he's wearing leave little to the imagination. i try not to stare, blushing slightly as he turns around and looks at me strangely. i clear my throat, attempting to form words, but i fail. instead, i step back and gesture for him to come inside. his expression doesn't change as he comes in, tugging nervously as his clothing. i meet his gaze and signal for him to follow me. he chuckles quietly, under his breath almost, as we ascend up the steps to the second floor.

i walk into my bedroom with him following close behind. our hands brush as i reach past his to close the door, sucking in a tight breath. he raises his eyebrows, then pretends not to notice. the silence is uncomfortable, nervous and thought provoking. i open my mouth, then close it. staring down at the ground instead. he sighs loudly then sits on the edge of the bed, biting his raw lips impatiently. "dan?" he says after a few more moments of quietness. i look up and he pats a spot on the bed next to him.

i cross the room hesitantly and sit beside him, allowing some space between us. the sheets are creased so i smooth them. anything to try and soothe myself. "phil?" my voice says lightly, causing him to glance up. "you texted me, remember? what did you want to talk about?"

his breath hitches at the mention of his text. a delicate flush dots the tip of his nose and edge of his cheeks. he puts his head down swiftly, letting messy strands of hair fall across his face. it's gotten longer, now it sort of falls across his eyebrows, a small curtain for his forehead. phil suddenly looks up again, staring at me and moving his lips wordlessly, desperately searching for words. i reach forward and brush a few hair strands out of his face. his blush intensifies and i smile in reassurance.

"what if," he starts, then shuts his mouth hastily.

"what if?" i ask, wanting him to go on.

"what if you weren't with troye?"

"oh?" i mumble, caught off guard. "then i wouldn't be with troye, i'd be single i guess? that's pretty simple, right?" i chuckle.

"what if someone else wanted to be with you? would you consider it?"

i open my mouth to respond, but stop myself. is he trying to imply something? or maybe i'm projecting my own feelings. but i don't have those feelings to project. i don't know what to say. "oh," i respond simply. "maybe."

"okay," he says, gently grabbing chin. "then i'm going to do something really stupid."

then we're kissing. my body is screaming in excitement. i try to hold back a smile so i don't have to break the kiss, but i can't help it. i'm smiling and dying and screaming internally. his lips are so soft and warm and gentle. his breath is so warm and delicious and intoxicating. he's a drug in disguise, a friend i thought i had, but incidentally something more.

he pulls away sheepishly, retracting his hand, but maintaining eye contact. it's quiet for a second, and for a moment, i'm enchanted. caught under his spell of beauty and wishing for nothing more than him to kiss me again. he doesn't though, he stands up. i watch silently as he walks to the door, then turns around to say something. it sounds like an apology, but i'm so transfixed that it sounds underwater. he takes a step out the door before i stop him.

"phil wait," i yell as i scramble after him. he turns around surprisedly, fearing crossing his face at my intensity. i forcefully grab his wrist and push him against the wall. he whimpers quietly, trying to pull away. i shake my head no, signalling that i won't allow him to just leave. he looks scared, and really perplexed. so, in order to help him, i do exactly what i want to do. i kiss him again.

we're kissing, and i'm holding him close to my chest. it's quiet around us, but on the inside i'm still screaming. my mind is chanting happily, begging for me to never let him go. but then we're gasping for air and he has happy tears in his eyes and i'm mumbling about how long i've wanted that to happen. it's awkward and clumsy and perfect.

i want to cherish it, the feeling of his soft chest under my head. it's comfortable. he's so soft, and so beautiful. we walk back to my bedroom and flop down on the mattress, still cuddling happily. i try not to think about troye, or tyler, or anyone else overly involved in my life. instead, i just focus on the sound of phil's heartbeat pounding in my ear, and the soft breaths escaping his lips. it's amazing, and so is he.

but where do we go from here?

a/n is this book boring? will you tell me if it is? i'm worried that people are bored.