distract him; phan + troyler

chapter 14

phil's pov

lips touching lips. smooth pink mouths caressing each other. warm breath blowing across pale cheeks, swirling over the patterned freckles. a blush spreading across the white plain like wildfire, twisting something deep within. muscles knot in the pit of their stomachs, twirling and turning in pleasure. soft moans echoing lightly, and small purple bruises of happiness dotting smooth skin.

it's what i want. and yet, i can't have it. i'd need a partner in order to achieve a bliss like that. as much as i despise admitting it, the one person i'd actually like to experience that with, seems to have reconciled with their ex, leaving me in their dust. it's troubling to say the least, how easily he let me go, but i suppose it makes sense. we were just friends, and now we're just friendly strangers.

thinking about dan is a dangerous game. images of his eyes and twinkles of his laugh wrap around my mind and pull me into a rabbit hole of emotions. it's only been a few days since he got back together with troye, and yet, it feels like a lifetime of sorrow. i miss him, and i miss having that easy friendship. i miss gushing about my interests and getting beaten at mario cart. a longing for him is all that currently resides within me. it's hard to lose a lover, but it's also hard to lose a friend.

i've tried talking to tyler, i want to try and salvage our relationship. it's hard being alone all the time, and i know we're going through a similar heartache, so i figured we could connect easily. he refused though, and i haven't been able to get ahold of him since. i guess he needs some space, and i can kind of understand why. after someone you care about betrays you, it's hard to form trust anymore.

the situation with dan is strange. he seems happier lately, like being with troye is the best decision he could have made. he's also started dressing in brighter colours and acting friendlier at school. other students are bewildered by his courtesy, but i admire it. his smiles radiate the school, brightening up my lonely days. i respect his decision, and i'm glad he's made that choice. he's really embracing his inner self, and seems to have completely given up on his tough persona. all that's left is a joyous, genuine person.

we don't talk though. he's too busy with troye and his friends. occasionally i'll wave at dan, but he never seems to notice. i can't tell if he's mad at me, or if he just simply isn't thinking about me. it's probably the latter, considering i'm a pretty bland person. there's nothing memorable enough about me to gain any more of dan's attention. instead, he had a melodic, blue eyed beauty to call his own. i'm not enough for his, i'm undeserving.

every night, i close my eyes and drift away from here. i'm living in a large home, right in the midst of the city, cooking breakfast. a cat rolls around by my feet as i flip pancakes on the stove. my boyfriend stumbles in, shirtless and blushing. he wraps his arms around me, planting a kiss on my cheeks as he drops some blueberries into the pancake batter. i turn around to join our lips as i drop the spatula and grip his waist. i run a hand through his messy hazelnut curls, sticking up in every direction since he's just rolled out of bed. it's adorable, and perfect, and i'm in love.

but then my alarm blares, reminding me that it's a dream, and i'm alone, and that he's with some other boy. it's painful, to realise every morning that i can't have what i truly desire. i want it to be reality, but i don't know how to do that. i contemplate it over and over, with tedious ideas rumbling around my mind. i brush my teeth as i think, mindlessly glancing around the toilet as i prepare for school.

soon enough i find myself at the door to the building, glancing at troye's group slightly before treading on. the door slams behind me as i walk hastily down the hallway, trying to erase the image of dan with his arms around troye. i'd gotten so close to dan, at one point. there has to be a way to get back to that point. how did they even get back together? did one of them force it on the other? maybe that's what i should do to dan, corner him and seduce him into wanting me instead.

that sounds really stupid though. i don't want to cause conflict, and i don't want dan to hate me. i'm tired of just doodling his name in my notebook though, i want him to know how i really feel. so, i make a quick decision and send him a message.

phil: i miss you. can we meet up and talk pls?

it hurts, knowing that he can't answer right away because he's too busy with his boyfriend. i want to be in that position, too busy to do something because i'm so focused on someone. in my mind, as i fantasise about this perfect relationship, it's always dan's eyes meeting my own. it's his curls wrapped around my slender fingers and his soft, pink lips between my teeth. for awhile, i thought this was because i had a crush on him. i was wrong though, it's because i'm madly in love with him.

a few classes later, when i've just sat down and started working, my phone buzzes. class hasn't started yet so i look at it, scanning the contents of the screen slowly. it's a text from dan. i sigh happily, relieved that he's finally answered.

dan: i'm sorry

my face falls, i'm puzzled. is he saying that we can't meet up, or is this some attempt to try and fix our relationship prior to talking in person?

phil: what do you mean?

his reply is instant, though it doesn't answer my question.

dan: after school, my house. i'll be alone then.

i send a response in agreement, feeling some anxiety settle in my stomach. i'll be alone with him, so we can be really honest. i presume that's good thing, i wouldn't want someone else's presence to affect what i want to say. though, i'm kind of scared of being alone with him. not scared of him per say, but scared of what i might do because i'm not thinking. what if i get too lost in his eyes to keep speaking? i just want to fix things, but i usually just make situations worse. i tend to fuck things up, but dan is something that i don't want to fuck up, at least not in that way.

a/n sorry this took a bit, i was in the hospital.
anyway, thanks for reading. this was just a little filler, so sorry if it was boring.