distract him; phan + troyler

chapter 17

i'm back bitches

tw; self harm
dan's pov

the wind is cold, and harsh. emptiness drips down the corridors of my house as night passes slowly outside. stars glisten lightly, their twinkling shiny against my red eyes. my lamp's glow bounces off the tears on my cheeks like sunlight across a puddle on a rainy pain. i hold my breath and let my lungs envelope in pain, sharp stings of warmth erupting through my cool body.

it's serene outside, a peaceful air of sleep hangs over the neighbourhood. i'm a blip though, my brain is filled with electricity and anticipation. i need to escape this void of pain and finally allow myself to smile again. so, i get up and throw on some dirty clothes, a sweatshirt and jeans. i stomp downstairs and race out of the house, running towards the nearest streetlamp. the roads are empty, and the pavement is bare.

plans swirl in my head like a tornado. i haven't the faintest clue of what i should i actually do. i need to fix things though, i need one final to chance to accurately get rid of the negativity in my life and choose a boy i can actually trust. that's the hard part though, do i choose the one i've known for so long? or do i choose the one who makes me feel the safest? i almost like the idea of a little danger.

but then, i pull out my phone and look at a picture of phil. i feel my throat tighten again as his blue eyes catch mine. a million apologies tumble off my tongue, and a thousand ways to say i love you crash through my mind. it's obvious, my decision. as amazing as troye was, he was never the right one. phil was the spurt of fate that came slamming into my life. he tore up my heart in the best way and glued back the pieces destroyed by other people. but i hurt him.

i scream, not necessarily voluntary, but still out loud. my hands grow numb as i clench them in anger with myself. my blunt nails dig deep into my skin and blood falls from where i've bitten open my lip. "fuck you, dan howell," i scream. "you're a mistake, a disgusting, vile mishap in the universe. you don't deserve phil, or troye, or anyone."

it burns, the realisation that i'm worthless. i've said it a million times but now i really believe it. i'm awful and deceiving. i hurt everyone i love without even realising it. i'm a fucking mistake.

there are few words that really penetrate your soul, maybe "i love you" or "i hate you." at this moment though, i can feel every harmful word or action stabbing me in the chest. i fall to my knees, sobbing. it's over, i've lost the battle with my broken mind.

i run home, to the kitchen cupboards. i pull out knife after knife, letting them stack up on the counter. then one by one i draw tiny lines across my wrist. oxygen caresses my blood as it escapes my bluish veins. it's not deep, but still effective. i want to taste the pain.

but then, a specific knife catches my eye. it's glistening silver with raw scrapes against the side, showing off its age. i drag it across my wrist slowly knowing that if i would end it all i would definitely use this knife. and maybe i would use it right now i think to myself. but i don't, because right then the front door swings open.

a/n i know it's short! i'm sorry! but it's been months! can you believe it!

i've missed you, and i kind of thought no one was reading this anymore but then, when i opened wattpad today, i saw that this book has over 7k reads! that's craziness! so thank you to everyone reading and thank you to everyone supporting me! i love love love you all and i'll see you soon!

x stay tuned