Life without...

The day I found out why

Flashback: 10 months ago

Riley's POV

It was two days after Ash and I met and he was giving me that tour of New York he promised to give me.
It was being really fun, but I wasn't really sure how to act. He had told me something really intimate about his life. 

"And this here is the Central Park, if you ask me it's the most beautiful space in New York", Ash said and we walked into the Central Park.

We were looking at some squirrels that were approaching us, when Ash said he would call a taxi, so that he could show me some locations in Brooklyn. I nodded and he walked outside the Central Park, since the signal was strangely being pretty bad.

So he left me alone and I kept looking at the squirrels and admiring the beautiful view.

When I took my eyes of the view and looked around me, it was already dark outside. The majority of the people were gone and it was getting colder. I rubbed my arms. Maybe Ash decided to pull a prank on me and leave me alone in the middle of Central Park. If so I would never ever talk to him again.

Suddenly someone pulled me by my jacket from behind and I nearly fell.
"Give me your money", the stranger yelled.

It was so dark in the spot where he dragged me, that I wasn't able to see him. He was holding me by my two arms, hurting me.

I was scared, what if he killed me or raped me. I was alone, no one would come and help me. James had given up on me. He had chosen Megan. I started panicking, my breathing got unsteady, making it hard for me to stand properly.

"Hey, what are you doing, give me immediately your money", the man said shaking me, but I just panicked even more. I couldn't move it was like I was glued to the ground and like my body wasn't really mine. It felt like a dream, that I couldn't control. 

"Hey, let her go", a voice behind the man said.

After that my vision got blurry. I just remember the man letting me go and getting hugged by Ash. He talked to me and tried to calm me down, but I can't remember anything he said. I think I talked to him, but I don't remember what I said. Later on he told me what I said and that shocked me. What I said on that day was the answer to the question of why I had these panic attacks. When he told me what I said, I promised to myself that I would never talk to anyone about that, besides Ash.

Ash was from this day, the only person, who understood what I was going on. The person I went to, when I badly needed to have a panic attack. It may sound strange to say that I needed to have a panic attack, but it was indeed so.
I could usually control my body around everybody, but when I was with Ash, it felt good to let all these emotions I had for weeks out.

He was the only person who could help me. He knew how he could bring me back to stable Riley. 

I think I changed a lot since I moved out of Toronto. I saw a new side of me. A side that was very fragile. I hated that side, because it broke me. The old Riley who was able to show her feelings was gone. I had left her in Toronto. The new Riley was not able to control her feelings. I had lost control over myself and that was for me the saddest thing that could have happened for me. If someone asked me how it felt to have a panic attack, I would tell him that it was scary. Imagine starting to laugh and suddenly not being able to stop. The sound coming out of your mouth but you're not making it. Your whole mouth feeling like its someone else's mouth. It sounds strange like it's just made up, but it's not. Maybe I wasn't laughing when I had a panic attack, but the thing with the body not belonging to you, surely was true. Maybe Ash was the one who always helped me in this situation, but it wasn't him, who I wanted to help me. But this person I wanted to be the one who helped me, wouldn't help me...

So this was a really important chapter for me. Not only because it's very important for the story, but because it contains my own experiences with panic attacks. I really want you guys to take this chapter seriously and try to understand that it wasn't easy to write about this, but nevertheless I really wanted to do this. Not just to explain to you guys how it is for me, but also to help others that suffer under panic attacks too. Just know that I am here for you. If you suffer under panic attacks never ever keep it to yourself. Go get help! In the next chapter you will see how bad it is to keep this thing to yourself. Love you guys and thank you for always being the ones to cheer me up❤