Always, Amanda

Letter 4

Dear Alexander,

Hi!

Have you been taking care of your health lately? I hope you are doing well.

Ever met someone who made you feel nervous the first time? Not that kind of nervousness you felt when you met a scary professor or that kind of apprehension you felt when there’s a weird stranger at the end of the dark alley you were supposed to pass by; no, not that kind of uneasiness.

I’m talking about the good kind of being on edge but dangerous nonetheless. How can I explain this?

Well, to say the least, I was aflutter upon your return. I never knew my being in fifth grade would be so memorable.

I was standing along the hallway before the bell rang for the first subject and then a hushed silence descended among the students milling about. I was distracted for a moment talking with my friend Felicity so I glanced at the entryway. There were gossips of your return as you know; your cousin was quite a very talkative person. And I wasn’t really giving it the time of my day. All I knew was that you were going to be the sort of ‘new kid’ in town whom the students in school would make a field day – new distraction to the seemingly mundane life in a small town where everyone knew everybody.

You had this presence about you or let’s say an aura that drawn eyes upon you. Maybe it was because you were taller than most boys at that time, or maybe somewhat due to your spick-and-span demeanour that was refreshing to the eyes. Not that the boys in our school were grubby – well, not at all – but some had dishevelled appearances but hey, I couldn’t blame them, we were only in grade school. I didn’t know what captured me at first but maybe it was your cute dimple on your right cheek that deepened when you smiled at Brent after you two fist-bumped.

And for the first time, my eleven year-old self felt self-conscious about her appearance. It’s funny thinking about it now after all those years. I was sort of boyish before you came back so the foreign feelings you stirred in me the moment you were back made me felt so anxious.

So I was sort of relieved when you were teased with my friend Felicity the first few days of school. You two were cute as I learned that both of you were quite close during the first grade. I never knew that. I guess I was too self-absorbed back then and again there was Henry who was irritating the hell out of me during the time when I just wanted to learn the phrases our teacher wrote on the board so that I could go home early, play with my paper dolls and avoid altogether the presence of that particular boy for I knew he would be the last to go out of the classroom.

But then I never would have thought that during our fifth grade, I would be subjected to the same predicament as I had been during my first grade.
The only difference was the person who put me in the spotlight again. I tell you now; I really hated being teased upon by our classmates so I am sorry if I was being a stand-offish to you back then.

Why the heck would you ask about me from Brent during your basketball play? You could have asked subtlety when you two were alone and not had the whole team heard about it. But yeah, boys will be boys. Wait, why were you asking about me in the first place? What triggered? I’m really curious about it. Was it because I answered almost all Mrs. Miller’s questions during our English class? Not being egotistic about it, though since I was really nerdy at that time but seriously, that’s the only reason I could came up with even until now. Your cousin Brent told me before that you were at the top of your class in your previous school so I guessed your curiosity with the honour roll of the class started it. Am I right or am I too presumptuous? I really hope you can enlighten me on that matter.

I must admit now that back then, I hated your guts. I was planning on getting by with school peacefully because finally, Henry transferred to another school but you compromised my peace by asking about me which resulted to every student I knew connecting your name and mine with ‘Oh’ and ‘Ah’. Prior to your return, I was actually excited with the prospect of having you as my friend because you gave me an ice cream back then. So I’m really sorry now for the glaring I’d sent your way back then. It was childish but that was the only way I knew how to respond to that unexpected situation.

You elicited a strange emotion in me that a girl my age couldn’t fathom well that made me scared. And the only way I could protect myself was put up defences.

I hated having a nervous stomach whenever I saw you. I was only a girl back then but your presence made me realize that I was on my way to becoming a teenager. To say I was frightened was an understatement.

Talk to you soon!

Stay safe!

Always,
Amanda

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