Always, Amanda

Letter 12

Dear Alexander,

So...I drunk-messaged you last night...no big deal.

You know what? I already convinced myself that there's no one at the end of this e-address who is reading my mails. But hey, why quit sending you letters when I am already halfway to the finish line. Just a couple more and I'll bid you adios!

I've gone from being angry to hatred, then disappointment to numbness, and now, I'm just feeling indifference towards my dad. I just learned that he's been cheating on mom a long time ago already. Wow. Just wow.

Why couldn't just dad be honest with her? I kept asking myself that.

Why couldn't every man in my life be honest?

Why couldn't you be honest with me?

I waited for your calls and texts. Even though I was upset with you, I was worried why your family had to move out of town quickly. But you never contacted me until the next day. Okay, I could have called you first instead that day but I didn't. I was someone to not initiate contact first, you knew that.

I wondered if you really wanted to talk to me, you would have called me first.

I never even confronted you about what you did to me when you called. You remember what I asked you first? "Are you okay?" That's what came out of my mouth first when I answered your call. Was I that difficult that you couldn't confide your family problems to me? I was your girlfriend, for crying out loud!

We were supposed to talk to each other comfortably; we were supposed to be each others' crying shoulders. What happened?

Remember when I complained to you that my parents were hinting at me to take a nursing course in college? My aunt failed at being a nurse and they wanted me to be a doctor eventually. I was confused and frustrated at that time because I didn't even know what I wanted to be in the future. I told you all even about my inconsequential problems and perplexities. You could have done the same. That's how relationship works. Come to think of it, you never discussed with me what you would like your future to be.

You should have talk to me...you should have told me you were having doubts. Instead, you gave me an empty promise to work things out between us. And I took your words for it because I trusted you.

However, never did I imagine that you would cheat on me. That was heart-wrenching.

On the day of my sixteenth birthday as I was waiting for you to call me, Felicity texted me that she saw you on a date with some girl in the city. I couldn't breathe when I'd read it. I felt like being stabbed by a knife on my chest. It was supposed to be a happy occasion for both of us. We were supposed to celebrate our 11th monthsary on top of my birthday. You had a weird way of surprising me, really. Jeez!

So, I am not gonna apologize for the way I dumped you. Hell, Taylor Swift got dumped through a text message. Atleast I called you even if it was to break up with you. I know I never explained myself. I guessed you had an idea why. It was an impulsive move on me, I admit to that fact. I'd realized that even after I hung up on you that night. And it was stupid of me to not ask you an explanation and that was my fault there. But I was an emotional mess that night and was hurting.

When morning came, I actually sort of regretted my action that previous night. I was already on the verge of calling you again and getting back on my words about breaking up with you, that I just wanted some space.

But then Brent called me asking what happened.

I never even confided with anyone else about our break-up but I guessed, you went ahead and told our friends that we were over already. What the hell? It was supposed to be between us only. Maybe you wanted some advices from anyone because I didn't answer your calls after I hung up on you, but you could atleast have some decency to keep it between us first, until we sort things out.

You see what I did there? I gave myself an unnecessary explanation about your stupid action. It was very pathetic of me because behind everything that happened, I still cared for you.

Sigh, there were a lot of 'maybe's' and 'what if's' circulating my mind at that time: maybe Felicity was wrong with what she saw, what if I answered your call and listened to your explanation instead, and maybe she was just your friend after all...

And you know what was worst? It was when I tried getting out of the empty hole you left me and I realized how deep I had fallen in with you. You left a gaping hole on my chest that I had no clue in fixing it in the first place.

You were my first love dammit!

Yes, I fell in love with you even more when you moved out of town. Don't ask me why. I couldn't and cannot explain it even.

And I am not ashamed to admit it now.

But I guess, what happened between us was for the best, right?.

We were young then and we weren't really cut out for a long-distance relationship. We didn't expect it. I knew deep inside, the moment you left town, we were in for a bumpy ride. And there was still a long road ahead of us.

However, if you could have been honest with me in the first place then...

Anyway, I hope you are safe wherever you are right now. I have to cool off for a few days. Maybe this will be my last letter to you...or maybe not. I don't know. I am confused these days and a very emotional one.

Always,
Amanda

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